In the past couple years I've asked God to help me in three key ways. Two years ago, I asked Him to help me get in touch with my feelings. Last year, I asked Him to help me have a desire to do good to others. In the past several months, I have asked God to help me move towards forgiveness.
In all three cases, when I began to ask God to help me move in these areas, things have begun to change. These three things above involve courage because they involve moving towards things that terrify us. When I look back on the steps of courage I've taken in the past couple years, I am filled with an immense sense of gratitude and awe.
But here is what is very cool and thought provoking. When I look back on the man who took the courage to do these things, I am amazed. I literally think to myself, "Who is this man who did these things?" It is sort of like I look back on myself and I wonder if I'd be able to do these things again because it almost seems like some of what I've done was impossible.
And this is exactly my point - I believe I feel gratitude and awe when I look back on my former-self because what I have done was impossible. This points me to the divine.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
The Power of Small Moments
People watch movies that depict characters who overcome adversity or movies that display grand adventures and celebrations of accomplishments and heroic deeds. The feelings in these movies are powerful. We watch these movies to connect with perseverance, adventures, celebrations, and heroicism. The sad part is that many of us miss out on the ways in which our lives are much more beautiful and powerful than movies.
Just as an example, it could be that you and your partner decided to create an unusual and different meal together instead of going out to eat and it resulted in conversation about a troubling aspect of your relationship that needed addressing. Conflict occurred, but it was addressed, not run away from, and led to deeper intimacy. Later in the evening following dinner, the two of you looked at each other and experienced a sense of gratitude and joy for having chosen to enter relationship through a well-cooked meal and conflict. The issue was not fully resolved, but you realized you could trust your partner just a little bit more because he or she didn’t run away but chose to enter. Holding hands, you simply said, “Thank you for entering that. It means so much to me.”
In another example, it could be entering into conflict with someone at work whom you’ve chosen to forgive and approach as an equal. You enter the conversation already with a sense of peace because you’ve chosen to forgive them. By the end of the conversation, you realize they don’t understand you and you even realize nothing will change. Yet, you challenged the politics and you feel a sense of victory for having entered the conflict along with your fear. You tell about your experience to a good friend or your spouse of this mysterious mixture of forgiveness and confrontation you entered and they are able to participate in a small little celebration with you by affirming you. You can see the respect and admiration in the way they smile at you.
Do you see that when we take time to celebrate the courage required to live life to the full that we enter the script of a movie that is distributed to the angels? In these small moments of celebration, we experience feelings of power and beauty that go beyond any movie that has ever been filmed. That is because the real life movie we live is connected to the divine.
Just as an example, it could be that you and your partner decided to create an unusual and different meal together instead of going out to eat and it resulted in conversation about a troubling aspect of your relationship that needed addressing. Conflict occurred, but it was addressed, not run away from, and led to deeper intimacy. Later in the evening following dinner, the two of you looked at each other and experienced a sense of gratitude and joy for having chosen to enter relationship through a well-cooked meal and conflict. The issue was not fully resolved, but you realized you could trust your partner just a little bit more because he or she didn’t run away but chose to enter. Holding hands, you simply said, “Thank you for entering that. It means so much to me.”
In another example, it could be entering into conflict with someone at work whom you’ve chosen to forgive and approach as an equal. You enter the conversation already with a sense of peace because you’ve chosen to forgive them. By the end of the conversation, you realize they don’t understand you and you even realize nothing will change. Yet, you challenged the politics and you feel a sense of victory for having entered the conflict along with your fear. You tell about your experience to a good friend or your spouse of this mysterious mixture of forgiveness and confrontation you entered and they are able to participate in a small little celebration with you by affirming you. You can see the respect and admiration in the way they smile at you.
Do you see that when we take time to celebrate the courage required to live life to the full that we enter the script of a movie that is distributed to the angels? In these small moments of celebration, we experience feelings of power and beauty that go beyond any movie that has ever been filmed. That is because the real life movie we live is connected to the divine.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Falling in Love
“Falling in love in the Christian way is to say,'I am excited about your future and I want to be part of getting you there. I'm signing up for the journey with you. Would you sign up for the journey to my true self with me? It's going to be hard but I want to get there.”
― Tim Keller
― Tim Keller
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Jesus and The Cross. Why?
In human relationships, forgiveness always is connected to equality. When I forgive someone, I choose to be equal with them. This is because I have decided that I will treat them as a fellow human being, who like me, is both truly sinful and truly valuable. They become my equal. When I forgive them, I have allowed them to have truly harm me - thus I take on their sin - revealing what remains - their value. It neither negates the sin, nor downplays the value of the offender. It minimizes nothing and it elevates everything. It elevates sin. It also elevates the courage, compassion, and pain of the one who forgives and it elevates the tremendous value of the one who has been forgiven.
This is the same with the cross. God never self-protects. He lets us wound Him. He takes on our sin and He sobs and carries deep pain. Do you really believe that when you harm someone in word or deed that it is really just him or her whom you harm? To harm a child is to harm their father or mother. To harm a human being is to harm the One who gave them life.
At the cross, God meets us as an equal. He has become every human being we have ever harmed in word or deed, because truly our harm went straight through them and directly to Him at the cross. God somehow entails every aspect of being human while retaining every aspect of being God. His perfect love brings Him to the point that He is unable to protect Himself from harm, and this is why at the cross He is completely and utterly wounded by us.
In this moment - he meets us as an equal - because although He is more than capable of protecting Himself from us, He allows Himself to be fully harmed by us. Yet, He declares our tremendous value to Him by saying, “I will not hold this against you, but you must realize it costs me everything. You have utterly harmed me. But, you must also understand, I truly I love you and I will never hold it against you.”
To the non-Christian, the cross might seem a little weird or metaphorical, but I don’t believe it can be anything but a “historically-true myth” as J.R.R. Tolkien once explained to his friend C.S. Lewis. I don’t believe it can be anything but true because in His humanity at the cross, God says, “I am your equal. I refuse to self-protect. I will let you wound me and suffer all the consequences of your sin to the fullest extent and it will be utterly painful, but in the end, after all the wounding and pain, I will look up at you and say ‘It is finished’. All the pain will die away and I will feel complete peace and know nothing but your value.”
There are more aspects to the cross, but this is one of them.
This is the same with the cross. God never self-protects. He lets us wound Him. He takes on our sin and He sobs and carries deep pain. Do you really believe that when you harm someone in word or deed that it is really just him or her whom you harm? To harm a child is to harm their father or mother. To harm a human being is to harm the One who gave them life.
At the cross, God meets us as an equal. He has become every human being we have ever harmed in word or deed, because truly our harm went straight through them and directly to Him at the cross. God somehow entails every aspect of being human while retaining every aspect of being God. His perfect love brings Him to the point that He is unable to protect Himself from harm, and this is why at the cross He is completely and utterly wounded by us.
In this moment - he meets us as an equal - because although He is more than capable of protecting Himself from us, He allows Himself to be fully harmed by us. Yet, He declares our tremendous value to Him by saying, “I will not hold this against you, but you must realize it costs me everything. You have utterly harmed me. But, you must also understand, I truly I love you and I will never hold it against you.”
To the non-Christian, the cross might seem a little weird or metaphorical, but I don’t believe it can be anything but a “historically-true myth” as J.R.R. Tolkien once explained to his friend C.S. Lewis. I don’t believe it can be anything but true because in His humanity at the cross, God says, “I am your equal. I refuse to self-protect. I will let you wound me and suffer all the consequences of your sin to the fullest extent and it will be utterly painful, but in the end, after all the wounding and pain, I will look up at you and say ‘It is finished’. All the pain will die away and I will feel complete peace and know nothing but your value.”
There are more aspects to the cross, but this is one of them.
The Power of Equality and Forgiveness
Tim Keller -- I have counseled many people about forgiveness, and I have found that if they do this - if they simply refuse to take vengeance on the wrongdoer in action and even in their inner fantasies - the anger slowly begins to subside. You are not giving it any fuel and so the resentment burns lower and lower. "Shouldn't they be held accountable?" I usually respond 'Yes, but only if you forgive them.' There are many good reasons that we should want to confront wrongdoers. Wrongdoers have inflicted damage...we should confront wrongdoers - to wake them up to their real character, to move them to repair their relationships, or at least to constrain them and protect other from being harmed by them in the future. Notice however, that all those reasons for confrontation are reasons of love. ~Tim Keller
Steven's Response -- I know the difference between confronting someone with forgiveness and confronting someone with a desire for pay-back. Confronting someone with forgiveness feels powerful and yet has a sense of equality in confronting the offender. I do not feel above or below them. Confronting someone out of a desire for pay-back or trying to force them to "figure it out" feels absolutely unpeaceful, unrestful, and there is no equality in my pursuit of the offender. In this way, the offender will never listen. However, with equality and forgiveness, I believe that more often the offender will listen, even if it takes a long time to relent and open up to admission for what they have done. Many times, they will never relent or open up. In addition, I have also been the offender many times. I know that when someone confronts me out of forgiveness and equality that the person helps me in an amazing way to relent and open up. I believe forgiveness and equality is a way to help both the confronter and the offender.
Steven's Response -- I know the difference between confronting someone with forgiveness and confronting someone with a desire for pay-back. Confronting someone with forgiveness feels powerful and yet has a sense of equality in confronting the offender. I do not feel above or below them. Confronting someone out of a desire for pay-back or trying to force them to "figure it out" feels absolutely unpeaceful, unrestful, and there is no equality in my pursuit of the offender. In this way, the offender will never listen. However, with equality and forgiveness, I believe that more often the offender will listen, even if it takes a long time to relent and open up to admission for what they have done. Many times, they will never relent or open up. In addition, I have also been the offender many times. I know that when someone confronts me out of forgiveness and equality that the person helps me in an amazing way to relent and open up. I believe forgiveness and equality is a way to help both the confronter and the offender.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Toward Desire
When I'm in a good place mentally, I do things out of a desire to love - to do good simply for the sake of doing good. When I do things in this way, without an agenda, I feel the power of God inside me.
When I feel stuck in fear, shame, and self-protect mode and I can't seem to find a single ounce of desire to love, I ask God to reveal it in different little places in my day to day life. Then, when the desire comes, I don't worry about what I did to that person yesterday or what I might do to that person tomorrow. I just go with the urge to do good and risk the consequences.
We are all a mixture of good and evil. Somewhere deep inside, we desire to do some of the most amazing feats of goodness that have ever been heard of. On the other hand, deep in our hearts we can also find some of the most horrifying desires to even include murdering our very own spouses with our silence, our resentments, or our manipulations and control. It's all there.
Since we are a mixture of the greatest goods and the greatest evils, we must rely on the grace of God. At the cross, He forgives everything. At the resurrection, He turns us into new creatures capable of being like Him. Despite the mixture, we take a chance - we ask God to help us find the desire inside us to do good. Then He helps us find it and sometimes we do things that are told of in the heavens.
When I feel stuck in fear, shame, and self-protect mode and I can't seem to find a single ounce of desire to love, I ask God to reveal it in different little places in my day to day life. Then, when the desire comes, I don't worry about what I did to that person yesterday or what I might do to that person tomorrow. I just go with the urge to do good and risk the consequences.
We are all a mixture of good and evil. Somewhere deep inside, we desire to do some of the most amazing feats of goodness that have ever been heard of. On the other hand, deep in our hearts we can also find some of the most horrifying desires to even include murdering our very own spouses with our silence, our resentments, or our manipulations and control. It's all there.
Since we are a mixture of the greatest goods and the greatest evils, we must rely on the grace of God. At the cross, He forgives everything. At the resurrection, He turns us into new creatures capable of being like Him. Despite the mixture, we take a chance - we ask God to help us find the desire inside us to do good. Then He helps us find it and sometimes we do things that are told of in the heavens.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Imperfection. Get some.
The fact that I can't finish everything, be everywhere, or say every word correctly to each friend and enemy is not only okay - it is something that can be turned into an outward form of love.
What I mean is that one thing I've experienced lately in my relationships is that if I embrace or value my imperfection, then I truly hold more concern for the person in front of me than when I strive to act perfectly towards them. On the other hand, if I value perfection, then I hold more concern for hiding my shame or feelings of inadequacy from my own heart or from the person in front of me. Thus, I actually care less about humanity by striving to be perfect. My focus is less on the person and more on hiding my shame.
Of course, we all have a mixture of motivations, but I think the God-given part of us desires to value our imperfection as a way to love those around us. We just have to ask God to help us find that desire which He has already put into us. So, what I see is that valuing or even treasuring my imperfection is a form of outward love. I also believe that the more we value our own imperfection, the more it helps us to connect with the imperfection of others in a more healthy way.
What I mean is that one thing I've experienced lately in my relationships is that if I embrace or value my imperfection, then I truly hold more concern for the person in front of me than when I strive to act perfectly towards them. On the other hand, if I value perfection, then I hold more concern for hiding my shame or feelings of inadequacy from my own heart or from the person in front of me. Thus, I actually care less about humanity by striving to be perfect. My focus is less on the person and more on hiding my shame.
Of course, we all have a mixture of motivations, but I think the God-given part of us desires to value our imperfection as a way to love those around us. We just have to ask God to help us find that desire which He has already put into us. So, what I see is that valuing or even treasuring my imperfection is a form of outward love. I also believe that the more we value our own imperfection, the more it helps us to connect with the imperfection of others in a more healthy way.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Gratitude and Power
A life of authenticity, vulnerability, and moving towards what we desperately want (i.e. relationship) and are completely terrified of (i.e. relationship) all at the same time brings about some of the deepest feelings of gratitude I've ever known. One of the reasons I believe in Jesus' teaching is because he doesn't sugar coat anything. We are capable of the greatest evils and we are capable of the greatest acts of love and miracles. At the cross and in real life, He engages us in the light and in the dark. What I also believe is that a person who carries God inside him or her is that he or she is capable of doing things in this life that might be spoken of for eternity. It might be as simple and unassuming as treating someone with kindness and equality without pretense.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Fighting to See if We Can Win
In this life, we avoid a lot of battles because we spend a lot of time trying to calculate wether or not we will win them. C.S. Lewis paints this picture very well in his children’s book called Prince Caspian. The boy-king Peter has challenged an enemy adult-king, named Miraz, in hand-to-hand combat. Just before entering the sword-fighting area, Peter’s brother Edmund has a short conversation with him.
“I say,” said Edmund as they walked, “I suppose it is all right. I mean, I suppose you can beat him?”
“That’s what I’m fighting to find out,” said Peter.
If Peter had tried to calculate whether or not he could win before fighting the adult-king Miraz, then he never would have entered the fight in the first place. C.S. Lewis is trying to point out that most often the only way we will know if we can win a battle is if we fight them to find out.
In my life, I’ve spent a lot of time fighting over who is right and who is wrong. I’ve fought for what I thought was justice, when in fact it has often been a fight to display my correctness and their wrongness.
Today, I still fall into this pattern; however, I know it isn’t what Lewis is really talking about here. Yes, we fight against injustices, true injustices to be sure, but these aren’t the greatest sorts of battles. The greatest sorts of battles are honesty, authenticity, vulnerability, repentance, knowing and being known by using our voice or by truly listening, setting or expanding boundaries where needed, communicating with loved ones and others in a direct manner, forgiveness, loving the unloveable, and entering into the unknowns of relationships both current ones and opportunities for new ones.
Our greatest fear in fighting these sorts of battles is the uncertainty of the future. What will happen? Will we be harmed? Will we lose what we have? Will we be overtaken? Will we be mocked or disrespected? Will we fail others or will they fail us?
The only way we can know if we can win these battles is to walk into them. It is completely counter-intuitive. To be vulnerable, repentant, or forgiving (among the others listed above) are some of scariest battles we can ever embark upon.
Nevertheless, I think I find out more and more that as I enter these battles, the fact that I have entered them is where I have already won. Had Peter entered this sword-fight with the adult-king and lost, he still would have won in a certain sort of way by virtue of the fact that he entered the fight in the first place.
Monday, December 19, 2011
The Little Drummer Boy
This is my favorite Christmas song. I think the lyrics are so elegant because they are so simple and yet so profound. This powerful yet tender king desires us and the gifts we bring out of our personhood. The moment we believe that what we bring to the table out of who we are isn't enough is the moment we fail to understand the type of desire God already has for us. Just bring your drum. It is enough.
The lyrics:
A new born King to see
Our finest gifts we bring
To lay before the King
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
So to honor Him,
pa rum pum pum pum,
pa rum pum pum pum,
When we come.
Little Baby
I am a poor boy too
I have no gift to bring
That's fit to give the King
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Shall I play for you
pa rum pum pum pum
pa rum pum pum pum
On my drum?
Mary nodded
The ox and lamb kept time
I played my drum for Him
I played my best for Him
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
Then He smiled at me
pa rum pum pum pum
pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Christmas - I don't get it
The birth of Jesus. Does it make sense? Why so much attention paid to His birth, both in the bible and in Christian cultures?
See, I get the cross. The cross is the central theme of God’s atonement for our sin. I look at Jesus on the cross and the suffering He endured on my behalf and it makes sense. It makes sense to meditate upon His work at the cross.
The birth of Jesus - I don’t get it as much. I don’t have as much reason to meditate upon it. What significance does His birth have?
Recently, as I pondered the questions above, I tried to think about the perspective of the wise men who came to find Jesus. From their perspective, they had no idea who He was. They didn’t know who they’d find. Rich. Poor. Known. Unknown. Who could he be? They really had no clue. They simply followed God’s leading at the star. To them, He was a mystery. And, the other interesting thing is that they were presumably from another religion in the east. Or, maybe they were Jews living in another area. It doesn’t really say. Of course, we don’t know, but what I do know is that they were walking in the dark. They had no idea what their travels would find. It left Jesus mysterious, as He should be. Just as a woman longs to draw a man to her partially through her mysteriousness, so God longs to draw the entire human race to Him partly through His mysteriousness as well. Of course, I’m not talking about hiddenness or fickleness or self-protection. No, I’m talking about a healthy form of mystery that draws us in for the ultimate purpose of being known. God longs to be known and He will reveal Himself to us, but part of how He draws us in is through the seductiveness of mystery.
So, in thinking about the Christmas tradition and the yearly celebration of the birth of Christ, I am brought to a place where I become like one of the wise men of long ago. They had no idea who he would be. And here is the anaglogy: When I ponder the birth of Christ at Christmas this year, I think about the fact that I don’t know who He will be in the year to come. Now, I’m not saying that Jesus literally becomes a new person, but I am saying that we don’t know what He will bring in the year to come. It isn’t that who He is literally changes, but who I perceive Him to be changes over time. In this sense, I’m taking some license. When I think about the birth of Christ this Christmas, I don’t know who He will be next year. I don’t know who I will come into contact with. I don’t know what new personality traits I will discover. I don’t know what new expressions of power and love or sadness and suffering He will bring. In essence, even though I know Him and even though He never really changes in reality, who He is next year remains a mystery to me.
I long to know who He is next year. His mystery draws me in. I want to know Him, and this Christmas season I will travel to find this babe. Who will I find?
See, I get the cross. The cross is the central theme of God’s atonement for our sin. I look at Jesus on the cross and the suffering He endured on my behalf and it makes sense. It makes sense to meditate upon His work at the cross.
The birth of Jesus - I don’t get it as much. I don’t have as much reason to meditate upon it. What significance does His birth have?
Recently, as I pondered the questions above, I tried to think about the perspective of the wise men who came to find Jesus. From their perspective, they had no idea who He was. They didn’t know who they’d find. Rich. Poor. Known. Unknown. Who could he be? They really had no clue. They simply followed God’s leading at the star. To them, He was a mystery. And, the other interesting thing is that they were presumably from another religion in the east. Or, maybe they were Jews living in another area. It doesn’t really say. Of course, we don’t know, but what I do know is that they were walking in the dark. They had no idea what their travels would find. It left Jesus mysterious, as He should be. Just as a woman longs to draw a man to her partially through her mysteriousness, so God longs to draw the entire human race to Him partly through His mysteriousness as well. Of course, I’m not talking about hiddenness or fickleness or self-protection. No, I’m talking about a healthy form of mystery that draws us in for the ultimate purpose of being known. God longs to be known and He will reveal Himself to us, but part of how He draws us in is through the seductiveness of mystery.
So, in thinking about the Christmas tradition and the yearly celebration of the birth of Christ, I am brought to a place where I become like one of the wise men of long ago. They had no idea who he would be. And here is the anaglogy: When I ponder the birth of Christ at Christmas this year, I think about the fact that I don’t know who He will be in the year to come. Now, I’m not saying that Jesus literally becomes a new person, but I am saying that we don’t know what He will bring in the year to come. It isn’t that who He is literally changes, but who I perceive Him to be changes over time. In this sense, I’m taking some license. When I think about the birth of Christ this Christmas, I don’t know who He will be next year. I don’t know who I will come into contact with. I don’t know what new personality traits I will discover. I don’t know what new expressions of power and love or sadness and suffering He will bring. In essence, even though I know Him and even though He never really changes in reality, who He is next year remains a mystery to me.
I long to know who He is next year. His mystery draws me in. I want to know Him, and this Christmas season I will travel to find this babe. Who will I find?
Saturday, December 3, 2011
A Healthy Fear of God
God tells us in the Bible that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 12:2) and that perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). In fact, 1 John 4:18 says that those who fear are not made perfect in love. Further, Luke 1:67-75 says that Christ came so that we would be able to serve God without fear.
Nevertheless, there is a lot of confusion in the church over what a healthy fear of God looks like in light of the cross. Thus, what does a healthy fear of God look like? What does it look like when all threat of condemnation has been taken away? What does it look like when one of God’s directly stated purposes in Christ has been to do away with fear? What’s left?
The New Testament does discuss the fear of God and show numerous examples. Let’s look a a couple of them.
In Luke 8:25, Jesus commands the winds and the waves to stop so that their boat wouldn’t topple over. It says that they had fear and amazement because Jesus had told the winds and the waves to obey.
In Luke 1:12, John the Baptist’s father, Zechariah, sees an angel. He is gripped with fear.
In Luke 8:37, it says that the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave because they were afraid of Him. He had delivered a man from an evil demon, the man came into a right mind, and Jesus drove a herd of pigs over a cliff without even saying a word to them much-less physically scattering them.
What kind of fear do we see in these three verses? Jesus controls nature. Zechariah sees an angel. I propose this is a fear based upon power, not based upon judgement.
Thus, I argue that the only healthy form of a fear of God in light of the cross is due to the power of God, not due to any threat of condemnation or even of any turning away of his face from us. It just doesn’t go with the gospel.
Something that helps me to relate to this type of fear is to go back into my childhood and think of times when I was afraid of things that wouldn’t hurt me. For example, I remember watching hot air balloons being filled up and getting ready to take off into the air. I was very young. The noise from the fire being used for the hot air and the enormous size were very powerful and I distinctly remember being afraid. Yet, at the same time, I remember being drawn to them as well.
I also think of the times I’ve watched the Space Shuttle lift off to go into outer space. In particular, if the volume and speakers on the TV have enough bass, I have had this distinct awareness that if I were in person that it would be a fearful event due to the immense power of the vehicle.
Another time, I remember being tested for my green belt in Karate. The founder of my system called American Kenpo, came to test me and another student. His name was Ed Parker and he had rubbed elbows with Bruce Lee and taught famous people such as Elvis Presley. I was 14 years old and Ed Parker felt enormously powerful to me. He felt so powerful and so commanding that I feared him.
These are three times (among others) that I can remember when I had a fear that was based upon the immensity of power of the object, event, or person. The hot air balloon wasn’t going to harm me. The space shuttle wasn’t going to harm me. Ed Parker wasn’t going to harm me. In fact, he was there to help me. Nevertheless, I feared him and the other situations as well. There was so much power.
Finally, a feeling that is associated with the fear of power is exhilaration. I feared Ed Parker due to the immense power surrounding his presence. However, due to his goodness, I also experienced a feeling of exhilaration. I was blown away by the fact that I was in his presence. It was (to this day) one of the most amazing experiences of my life. (This might sound a little over-the-top, but you have to look at it from the perspective of a 14 year-old).
In short, a healthy fear of God, biblically speaking has nothing to do with condemnation and everything to do with power and exhilaration.
Nevertheless, there is a lot of confusion in the church over what a healthy fear of God looks like in light of the cross. Thus, what does a healthy fear of God look like? What does it look like when all threat of condemnation has been taken away? What does it look like when one of God’s directly stated purposes in Christ has been to do away with fear? What’s left?
The New Testament does discuss the fear of God and show numerous examples. Let’s look a a couple of them.
In Luke 8:25, Jesus commands the winds and the waves to stop so that their boat wouldn’t topple over. It says that they had fear and amazement because Jesus had told the winds and the waves to obey.
In Luke 1:12, John the Baptist’s father, Zechariah, sees an angel. He is gripped with fear.
In Luke 8:37, it says that the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave because they were afraid of Him. He had delivered a man from an evil demon, the man came into a right mind, and Jesus drove a herd of pigs over a cliff without even saying a word to them much-less physically scattering them.
What kind of fear do we see in these three verses? Jesus controls nature. Zechariah sees an angel. I propose this is a fear based upon power, not based upon judgement.
Thus, I argue that the only healthy form of a fear of God in light of the cross is due to the power of God, not due to any threat of condemnation or even of any turning away of his face from us. It just doesn’t go with the gospel.
Something that helps me to relate to this type of fear is to go back into my childhood and think of times when I was afraid of things that wouldn’t hurt me. For example, I remember watching hot air balloons being filled up and getting ready to take off into the air. I was very young. The noise from the fire being used for the hot air and the enormous size were very powerful and I distinctly remember being afraid. Yet, at the same time, I remember being drawn to them as well.
I also think of the times I’ve watched the Space Shuttle lift off to go into outer space. In particular, if the volume and speakers on the TV have enough bass, I have had this distinct awareness that if I were in person that it would be a fearful event due to the immense power of the vehicle.
Another time, I remember being tested for my green belt in Karate. The founder of my system called American Kenpo, came to test me and another student. His name was Ed Parker and he had rubbed elbows with Bruce Lee and taught famous people such as Elvis Presley. I was 14 years old and Ed Parker felt enormously powerful to me. He felt so powerful and so commanding that I feared him.
These are three times (among others) that I can remember when I had a fear that was based upon the immensity of power of the object, event, or person. The hot air balloon wasn’t going to harm me. The space shuttle wasn’t going to harm me. Ed Parker wasn’t going to harm me. In fact, he was there to help me. Nevertheless, I feared him and the other situations as well. There was so much power.
Finally, a feeling that is associated with the fear of power is exhilaration. I feared Ed Parker due to the immense power surrounding his presence. However, due to his goodness, I also experienced a feeling of exhilaration. I was blown away by the fact that I was in his presence. It was (to this day) one of the most amazing experiences of my life. (This might sound a little over-the-top, but you have to look at it from the perspective of a 14 year-old).
In short, a healthy fear of God, biblically speaking has nothing to do with condemnation and everything to do with power and exhilaration.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Pursuit
As a man, when I pursue a woman*, I feel as though God is pursing me.
Just as a woman feels pursued by God as we move towards her emotionally or relationally or physically, we also feel pursued by him during those very moments. It is almost a paradox, or more likely, when we pursue a woman (be it our wife, fiancee, or girlfriend), it is God telling us we have the power and value to do so. This is one aspect of God's pursuit of us as men. Our pursuit of a chosen woman is somehow His very pursuit of us.
______________________
*Be it your wife or fiance or girlfriend
Friday, October 7, 2011
A Personal Definition of Joy
The inability to carry this weight and power.
Yet I carry it.
This is joy.
_________________
I wrote these words in response to how I feel when I am acting out of my true self, as opposed to my sinful nature. (Let me say that I act out of my sinful nature a lot, so don't get the wrong idea here) But, when I act from my true self, I find that I am powerful and I move people without really trying to move them. I am simply "me" and it is powerful. It moves people. Yet, during these times when I feel this sense of weight and power, I also have this realization that I am unable to carry it, as if my entire being might burst open. Yet, somehow I don't burst open. I am held together. It is pure grace. It is God. He is who I speak of. He is the weight and power I carry inside me. It is a great paradox. There is no way I can carry God inside me, yet He is inside me. It isn't possible, but it's real. It just is what it is.
The feeling associated with this paradox is joy.
Nehemiah 8:10
Yet I carry it.
This is joy.
_________________
I wrote these words in response to how I feel when I am acting out of my true self, as opposed to my sinful nature. (Let me say that I act out of my sinful nature a lot, so don't get the wrong idea here) But, when I act from my true self, I find that I am powerful and I move people without really trying to move them. I am simply "me" and it is powerful. It moves people. Yet, during these times when I feel this sense of weight and power, I also have this realization that I am unable to carry it, as if my entire being might burst open. Yet, somehow I don't burst open. I am held together. It is pure grace. It is God. He is who I speak of. He is the weight and power I carry inside me. It is a great paradox. There is no way I can carry God inside me, yet He is inside me. It isn't possible, but it's real. It just is what it is.
The feeling associated with this paradox is joy.
Nehemiah 8:10
From Boyhood to Emptiness
I am angry over a harm that has been done to boys and men. The harm comes from men, women, and evil itself. This writing is my attempt to explore the issue. I hope it drives you to pray for men to become powerful through emotions.
To be called into manhood these days is to be called into emptiness
This call into emptiness invites us to violence
The violence is a man stripped of his emotions
Severed from the stem of what it means to be a human being
See, when we were young
We had emotions
Chemicals that ran throughout us
We were connected to our bodies
Somewhere along the way
We were told to control our emotions
They became a source of shame
Control emotions, make decisions, and be a leader - a contradiction
Do you know research indicates
Human beings are incapable of making decisions without emotions?
Nevertheless, we are told to control our emotions
We are told to somehow stop the "bad" ones
However, emotions are interdependent
Cut anger and sadness departs
Cut jealousy and compassion leaves
Cut sadness and joy is eliminated
The reality is that wounded wives and mothers bore a misplaced ambivalence
Be nice. No wait. Be dangerous. No wait. I hate you.
Other men perpetuated the lie because they were lost too
They told us women couldn't lead because they were emotional beings
So we go to lust
It is the quickest way to comply with the lie
Unfortunately lust severs all emotions except for resentment and fear
It transports us out of our very own bodies and we cease to be human
We didn't know that by departing from this earth
On fantasies of sexuality
We were inadvertently harming ourselves
Severing power and leadership
Lust is a knife that cuts off our emotions
We become dead men unfit for manhood
To cut off anger is to cut off an arm
To cut off sadness is to stick a knife into our hearts
Our lust turns us into cardboard cutouts
We have "controlled" our emotions
Now we have no more
And we are incapable of leadership
The lie was perpetuated by both men and women
Cut off your arms but learn how to throw a baseball
Cut off your legs but run for a touchdown
Organize the plays and don't let your woman down you stupid man
A woman has misplaced ambivalence
In desperation she flippantly says get your act together
Okay husband, maybe I want the emotions back, but you scare me
I want you to unnerve me but don't frighten me
Sometimes the psychologists call us adult children
But we aren't even children because children have emotions
And we aren't yet adults because we haven't grown up
We lie in a deserted wasteland that is neither adult nor child
The reality men is that every woman wants to be unnerved
She wants the kind of fear a man instills in her
Not resentment, bitterness, and violence
No, she wants the anger and sadness against injustice that moves her
Men, the five senses are a bunch of hogwash
That was a concoction brewed by yet another empty man
The sixth sense is an entire set of emotions
Chemicals that need to be re-released into our bodies
If you want to know other human beings
You must find your emotions once again
Our personhood contains mind, emotions, and body
We go from our whole person to their whole person
Oh so sad is the paradox
We've lived in it so long
And we don't know what to do
We have no vocabulary for the emotions we lost long ago
But men, if you could truly see their hearts
Their real selves - these dear women
You would know they want to be unnerved
The fear and exhilaration our feelings drive
And women, if you could truly see our hearts
Our real selves - these powerful broken down men
You would know that we are so tired of the paradox
We yearn for those emotions left back somewhere in boyhood
So you'll have to take our anger
To have our sadness
You'll have to take our jealousy
To have our compassion
Men, your responsibility is to stop lust
But it isn't for religious bullshit
It is a means to restoring emotions and power
Then a voice from boyhood will call you into manhood
You will desire to treat them well
You will see what it does to them
The healthy power it puts into you
The value it puts into them
Men, we left boyhood
But we never entered manhood
We were misguided into entering emptiness itself
And we became violent
I'm not sure exactly how it happened
But yes, we are violent cowards
Yes, we have been harmed and this harm is a factor to our violence
But now is the time to redeem your story
To enter manhood is to ask God
Dear God - please take me back to these chemical emotions
Tell me the power I have to speak words of identity to her
So that she will want to decorate herself with a sunset and city lights
So sad, culture permitted us to leave boyhood
But only to enter emptiness - a sham pretending to be manhood
On the last day, you will meet us with our emotions and whole heart
We will tell you that you do not have permission to pick and choose our emotions
We will keep our violence towards injustice
Yet our violence towards women will empty as tears
We will keep the jealousy that was protective
But we will incinerate the jealousy that bore power and control
Were it not for God Himself
You would not be able to bear our sadness
Our anger
Or our tears
The peace in our hearts will last for generations
The joy we emanate will radiate for millennia
Our anger will turn to sadness
Our sadness will turn to joy and peace
You will not be able to contend with the power of our emotions
But the power of our emotions will be the bedrock of your compassion
Our tears of anger and sadness will unnerve you
But they will be the water-source of rivers that guide you
The men of the earth cry out
You have destroyed us
Dear women who fear violence
Empty men who have no hope
On the last day
We will look like God Himself
We will have emotions that will level mountains
We will lead with a power you have never known
It will move you and restore your hearts
To be called into manhood these days is to be called into emptiness
This call into emptiness invites us to violence
The violence is a man stripped of his emotions
Severed from the stem of what it means to be a human being
See, when we were young
We had emotions
Chemicals that ran throughout us
We were connected to our bodies
Somewhere along the way
We were told to control our emotions
They became a source of shame
Control emotions, make decisions, and be a leader - a contradiction
Do you know research indicates
Human beings are incapable of making decisions without emotions?
Nevertheless, we are told to control our emotions
We are told to somehow stop the "bad" ones
However, emotions are interdependent
Cut anger and sadness departs
Cut jealousy and compassion leaves
Cut sadness and joy is eliminated
The reality is that wounded wives and mothers bore a misplaced ambivalence
Be nice. No wait. Be dangerous. No wait. I hate you.
Other men perpetuated the lie because they were lost too
They told us women couldn't lead because they were emotional beings
So we go to lust
It is the quickest way to comply with the lie
Unfortunately lust severs all emotions except for resentment and fear
It transports us out of our very own bodies and we cease to be human
We didn't know that by departing from this earth
On fantasies of sexuality
We were inadvertently harming ourselves
Severing power and leadership
Lust is a knife that cuts off our emotions
We become dead men unfit for manhood
To cut off anger is to cut off an arm
To cut off sadness is to stick a knife into our hearts
Our lust turns us into cardboard cutouts
We have "controlled" our emotions
Now we have no more
And we are incapable of leadership
The lie was perpetuated by both men and women
Cut off your arms but learn how to throw a baseball
Cut off your legs but run for a touchdown
Organize the plays and don't let your woman down you stupid man
A woman has misplaced ambivalence
In desperation she flippantly says get your act together
Okay husband, maybe I want the emotions back, but you scare me
I want you to unnerve me but don't frighten me
Sometimes the psychologists call us adult children
But we aren't even children because children have emotions
And we aren't yet adults because we haven't grown up
We lie in a deserted wasteland that is neither adult nor child
The reality men is that every woman wants to be unnerved
She wants the kind of fear a man instills in her
Not resentment, bitterness, and violence
No, she wants the anger and sadness against injustice that moves her
Men, the five senses are a bunch of hogwash
That was a concoction brewed by yet another empty man
The sixth sense is an entire set of emotions
Chemicals that need to be re-released into our bodies
If you want to know other human beings
You must find your emotions once again
Our personhood contains mind, emotions, and body
We go from our whole person to their whole person
Oh so sad is the paradox
We've lived in it so long
And we don't know what to do
We have no vocabulary for the emotions we lost long ago
But men, if you could truly see their hearts
Their real selves - these dear women
You would know they want to be unnerved
The fear and exhilaration our feelings drive
And women, if you could truly see our hearts
Our real selves - these powerful broken down men
You would know that we are so tired of the paradox
We yearn for those emotions left back somewhere in boyhood
So you'll have to take our anger
To have our sadness
You'll have to take our jealousy
To have our compassion
Men, your responsibility is to stop lust
But it isn't for religious bullshit
It is a means to restoring emotions and power
Then a voice from boyhood will call you into manhood
You will desire to treat them well
You will see what it does to them
The healthy power it puts into you
The value it puts into them
Men, we left boyhood
But we never entered manhood
We were misguided into entering emptiness itself
And we became violent
I'm not sure exactly how it happened
But yes, we are violent cowards
Yes, we have been harmed and this harm is a factor to our violence
But now is the time to redeem your story
To enter manhood is to ask God
Dear God - please take me back to these chemical emotions
Tell me the power I have to speak words of identity to her
So that she will want to decorate herself with a sunset and city lights
So sad, culture permitted us to leave boyhood
But only to enter emptiness - a sham pretending to be manhood
On the last day, you will meet us with our emotions and whole heart
We will tell you that you do not have permission to pick and choose our emotions
We will keep our violence towards injustice
Yet our violence towards women will empty as tears
We will keep the jealousy that was protective
But we will incinerate the jealousy that bore power and control
Were it not for God Himself
You would not be able to bear our sadness
Our anger
Or our tears
The peace in our hearts will last for generations
The joy we emanate will radiate for millennia
Our anger will turn to sadness
Our sadness will turn to joy and peace
You will not be able to contend with the power of our emotions
But the power of our emotions will be the bedrock of your compassion
Our tears of anger and sadness will unnerve you
But they will be the water-source of rivers that guide you
The men of the earth cry out
You have destroyed us
Dear women who fear violence
Empty men who have no hope
On the last day
We will look like God Himself
We will have emotions that will level mountains
We will lead with a power you have never known
It will move you and restore your hearts
The Women of the Earth Cry Out
When I was young, I danced for everyone
Wearing a princess dress and a crown
A smile stole the attention of all
I knew I was on the stage and pretty
The early and middle years were a mess
I can't quite make out what happened
Something was taken from me by men
And taught to me by women
If you could see inside our hearts
You'd know this is true for all of us
See, you men think we act from our true selves
But this isn't who we truly are as women
The culture tells us many myths like
They're just men being men
The way they undress us with unhandsome eyes
Yes, we know what you are doing
But If I could go back
If I could go back to before those middle years
I'd tell you what my true self wants to say to you
I'd tell you no
You don't have permission to look at me that way
You have assaulted me
And the women of the earth cry out
Your action demands full penalty
We have said no
And this is your connection to the rapist.
On the last day, I will be holding my Father's hand
I will tell you no, and you will turn into flowers or into dust
__________________________________________________
*In the next to last line, by "Father" I mean God
Wearing a princess dress and a crown
A smile stole the attention of all
I knew I was on the stage and pretty
The early and middle years were a mess
I can't quite make out what happened
Something was taken from me by men
And taught to me by women
If you could see inside our hearts
You'd know this is true for all of us
See, you men think we act from our true selves
But this isn't who we truly are as women
The culture tells us many myths like
They're just men being men
The way they undress us with unhandsome eyes
Yes, we know what you are doing
But If I could go back
If I could go back to before those middle years
I'd tell you what my true self wants to say to you
I'd tell you no
You don't have permission to look at me that way
You have assaulted me
And the women of the earth cry out
Your action demands full penalty
We have said no
And this is your connection to the rapist.
On the last day, I will be holding my Father's hand
I will tell you no, and you will turn into flowers or into dust
__________________________________________________
*In the next to last line, by "Father" I mean God
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Albert Einstein
The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything. -Albert Einstein
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I Feel Happy of Myself!
Watch this video and then read my commentary.
For more information on parenting, see Phoenix Parent Consulting.com or Post Institute.com. My commentary below is a combination of what I have learned from the author of Phoenix Parent Consulting.com, along with my own story. See another blog entry of mine for more on my story about men and emotions called Jump Starting Emotions.
Son: I feel.
Dad: Do you feel alive?
Son: I feel. I feel happy of myself.
This boy is at a crucial moment in his emotional development. It took him a few moments, but he was able to identify his feelings. He knew how to say he felt happy of himself. He could feel real endorphins or seratonine or whatever chemicals they are moving around in his body. His identification of being happy wasn't intellectual. It was connected to his body.
Right now, one of evil's main goals is to separate this boy from his feelings over the next several years. In fact, it has already begun. When he is disregulating and can't calm himself down, he will be taught to calm down by plugging into a TV. Or, when he is emotionally upset, he will learn how to calm himself by plugging into an iPhone or texting a million text messages in order to avoid the pain, sadness, anger, or joy that he feels. Food or shopping or reading books might be another option. As he gets older, he will learn how lust is an even quicker way to disconnect. He will learn how to disconnect from his feelings and his body in order to calm down, rather learn how to stay with his feelings, continue to name them, and learn how to calm down through communcation and physical contact.
The father in this video asks a great question: "How do you feel?" Furthermore, he needs to do something extremely important in more difficult situations. When his son is angry and voicing his anger or extremely sad and crying at home or in a public situation, he needs to pull him aside and ask him, "How do you feel?" Once his son answers the question, he needs to ask the follow up question, "Can you tell me what happened? Can you tell me your story?" After hearing his story, he needs to affirm his son's feelings. He also needs help his son learn to take action if an injustice was done against him or he needs to validate his son's anger or sadness of an injustice occurred and it is unable to be resolved. He needs to maintain a boundary if his son was angry over a "no" that had been given by the dad, but he still needs to affirm and identify with the sadness or anger that his son is experiencing over the "no" that he received.
Now, I know that in real life, parents aren't always able to do this in many situations. Sometimes, things are moving too quickly. However, so often, I've seen parents shame their children in public or at home because they don't know what to do with them. They either go silent, yell at their children to shut up or stop crying (thus invalidating the child's feelings), or they pacify the child by giving them what they want. Their children learn one thing: If I get disregulated and lose control of my emotions, then mom or dad or guardian won't help me to calm down through conversation and physical contact. They will yell at me or hide their face from me. Therefore, I will do the only thing I know how - I'll do what I've watched them do when they are angry or sad and - I'll go watch TV, play on my iPhone, send text messages, eat, read, and do anything to disconnect from these out of control emotions because I don't know how calm myself and mom or dad or guardian don't know how to help me.
Over the years, this boy, if his father continues to ask him how he feels and comfort him and listen to him during times of high emotion, he will learn to stay connected to his emotions and his body and he will have a better understanding of how to calm himself when he's either angry, sad, or elated. If his father stops communicating to him about his feelings and listening to his stories behind those feelings, then this boy will calm himself by disconnecting and he will enter the world as an adult male who is incapable of being a man who can connect relationally with his wife, much less connect to other men. Not only will he be disconnected from anger and sadness, but he will be disconnected from joy as well. His wife will ask him how he feels and he will say he feels "good" or "bad". The sad reality is he will speak these words from a heart that is dead to emotion. He won't be able to say "I feel happy for myself!" He won't be able to say "I feel sad" or "I feel exposed" or "I feel nervous". He will be disconnected from those endorphins or seratonine or whatever chemicals that used to run through his body during childhood and he and his wife won't know how to connect with one another. What this son will continue to look for from his parental figures is protection - those who will validate his feelings and help him to continue to name them into adulthood. Then he will be very powerful.
One final thought: Adult men who have lost connection with their emotions and their bodies are not lost. It can be a long and difficult process, but men can learn how to feel once again and become very powerful in their lives. For more information on this and my story, see my blog entry called Jump Starting Emotions.
__________________________________________
For more information on parenting go to Phoenix Parent Consulting.com
Son: I feel.
Dad: Do you feel alive?
Son: I feel. I feel happy of myself.
This boy is at a crucial moment in his emotional development. It took him a few moments, but he was able to identify his feelings. He knew how to say he felt happy of himself. He could feel real endorphins or seratonine or whatever chemicals they are moving around in his body. His identification of being happy wasn't intellectual. It was connected to his body.
Right now, one of evil's main goals is to separate this boy from his feelings over the next several years. In fact, it has already begun. When he is disregulating and can't calm himself down, he will be taught to calm down by plugging into a TV. Or, when he is emotionally upset, he will learn how to calm himself by plugging into an iPhone or texting a million text messages in order to avoid the pain, sadness, anger, or joy that he feels. Food or shopping or reading books might be another option. As he gets older, he will learn how lust is an even quicker way to disconnect. He will learn how to disconnect from his feelings and his body in order to calm down, rather learn how to stay with his feelings, continue to name them, and learn how to calm down through communcation and physical contact.
The father in this video asks a great question: "How do you feel?" Furthermore, he needs to do something extremely important in more difficult situations. When his son is angry and voicing his anger or extremely sad and crying at home or in a public situation, he needs to pull him aside and ask him, "How do you feel?" Once his son answers the question, he needs to ask the follow up question, "Can you tell me what happened? Can you tell me your story?" After hearing his story, he needs to affirm his son's feelings. He also needs help his son learn to take action if an injustice was done against him or he needs to validate his son's anger or sadness of an injustice occurred and it is unable to be resolved. He needs to maintain a boundary if his son was angry over a "no" that had been given by the dad, but he still needs to affirm and identify with the sadness or anger that his son is experiencing over the "no" that he received.
Now, I know that in real life, parents aren't always able to do this in many situations. Sometimes, things are moving too quickly. However, so often, I've seen parents shame their children in public or at home because they don't know what to do with them. They either go silent, yell at their children to shut up or stop crying (thus invalidating the child's feelings), or they pacify the child by giving them what they want. Their children learn one thing: If I get disregulated and lose control of my emotions, then mom or dad or guardian won't help me to calm down through conversation and physical contact. They will yell at me or hide their face from me. Therefore, I will do the only thing I know how - I'll do what I've watched them do when they are angry or sad and - I'll go watch TV, play on my iPhone, send text messages, eat, read, and do anything to disconnect from these out of control emotions because I don't know how calm myself and mom or dad or guardian don't know how to help me.
Over the years, this boy, if his father continues to ask him how he feels and comfort him and listen to him during times of high emotion, he will learn to stay connected to his emotions and his body and he will have a better understanding of how to calm himself when he's either angry, sad, or elated. If his father stops communicating to him about his feelings and listening to his stories behind those feelings, then this boy will calm himself by disconnecting and he will enter the world as an adult male who is incapable of being a man who can connect relationally with his wife, much less connect to other men. Not only will he be disconnected from anger and sadness, but he will be disconnected from joy as well. His wife will ask him how he feels and he will say he feels "good" or "bad". The sad reality is he will speak these words from a heart that is dead to emotion. He won't be able to say "I feel happy for myself!" He won't be able to say "I feel sad" or "I feel exposed" or "I feel nervous". He will be disconnected from those endorphins or seratonine or whatever chemicals that used to run through his body during childhood and he and his wife won't know how to connect with one another. What this son will continue to look for from his parental figures is protection - those who will validate his feelings and help him to continue to name them into adulthood. Then he will be very powerful.
One final thought: Adult men who have lost connection with their emotions and their bodies are not lost. It can be a long and difficult process, but men can learn how to feel once again and become very powerful in their lives. For more information on this and my story, see my blog entry called Jump Starting Emotions.
__________________________________________
For more information on parenting go to Phoenix Parent Consulting.com
For more information on doing Time-In's instead of Time-Out's, see the following funny video on You-Tube. The man in the video does have credentials and his website is: Post Institute.com. He's trying to show the difference between disregulation and disobedience, and how we can often get them mixed up.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Getting Serious about Play
There is a book called "Play" by Stuart Brown, M.D. This person has done a lot of research on the importance of play in our lives. He talks about how we are wired with a need to work, play, and rest. We need all three but most of us are only good at one or two of them. We have names for the sorts of people who are only good at one of them: workaholics, thrill-seekers, and sloths. I fall under the workaholic portion.
Recently, I realized my need to play more. I'm usually afraid of people who like to play because I don't do it too well anymore. But, when I read the opening chapter to Brown's book called "Play", I realized the serious nature of play. Play is spiritually healing. It isn't an option that we have as adults. We have to play. We are designed to play. Sadly, most of us spend our entire lives working, eating, and watching movies. It's a really boring existence.
If you feel like you lost your ability to play, then this is what you gotta do. You gotta get out there and try new stuff. It sounds scary because it involves risk, but if you haven't been playing for a long time, then you probably don't even know or remember what you like to do. I think the old adage which says "I'll try anything once" is a good place to start. I mean, maybe you don't wanna drop a rock in a crack pipe and start smoking, but there's a lot of stuff out there to do that isn't going to kill you if you try it once.
For those of you who are engineers and think too much, here are the properties of play as outlined by Brown:
- Apparently purposeless (Done for its own sake)
- Voluntary
- Inherent attraction
- Freedom from Time
- Diminished consciousness of self
- Improvisational potential
- Continuation desire
For those of you who are married or dating, there's a lot of "Creative Dating" books out there that can help you get started. I think that's a great place to start. I typed it into Amazon.com and five creative dating books popped up right away. Also, double dating and group dating is a great way to get out of your shell. Just try a whole bunch of things and then tell your partner honestly which things you love, find okay, and hate. Then, see where you guys line up. It's like a Venn Diagram. You see what each of you loves separately and which things you love together.
In addition to play with others there is also personal play. For example, I collect jazz records. I've got a turntable. I'll stop at the record store downtown and sift through two dollar records for half an hour before I go home. Women, you can go out to the shoe store and decorate yourself with all sorts of nice high heels and glitter this and stylistic straps that, but I'll do my man shopping at the record store. It's my shoe shopping.
So, get serious about play. If you're lounging around on the couch all day, you might have the opposite problem and need to work, but if you're too serious about life, it's probably time to get serious about play. Don't walk down to the corner and pick up a rock from the dealer, but there's a lot of stuff you can do to play and rejuvenate your soul.
No Condemnation Turns Hatred into Sadness
There are two kinds of hatred: Others-centered hatred and self-centered hatred. In both types of hatred we have condemned ourselves and others. The other morning I woke up very sad and I had the following thought: No condemnation turns into sadness. The person who knows they aren't condemned can begin to feel anger, sadness, sorrow, and grief over loss and injustice. These losses and injustices have been imposed on by others and are also self-imposed. Sadness oozes above the surface of resentment, bitterness, and anxiety which are feelings that indicate self-condemnation. It grows stronger and more powerful as we wade through the waters of No Condemnation*.
- It is Jesus putting his hand on your shoulder and you are a prostitute.
- It is Jesus inviting you into community and you never had one.
- It is Jesus putting his hand on you and you are a leper.
- It is Jesus sticking with you for three years and maintaining boundaries you so desire.
- It is Jesus defending you from being stoned by those who condemn you.
- It is Jesus fighting for you and turning tables over and telling people to get out of your house.
When Jesus puts His hand on our shoulder and we feel the warmth of No Condemnation, the years of injustice and loss for both others and ourselves turn from resentment, bitterness, and anxiety into sadness. Sadness is very freeing, very powerful, and in sadness we feel connected to God.
__________
*Romans 8:1
Monday, August 1, 2011
Jump Starting Emotions
Do you suffer from a failure to feel emotions except for anxiety and resentment? The resentment could be pointed towards others or towards yourself. Well, if you do, you aren't alone. There are many many people in this world who suffer from this sort of problem. Stereotypically, men are thought most likely to be out of touch with their feelings. - unable to name them or even feel them. However, there are many women who suffer from this problem as well.
About two years ago, I identified this problem in myself. I felt dead. No feelings. A tragedy would occur and I'd feel nothing. An amazing event of love or overcoming obstacles would occur and I'd feel no joy or admiration. I remember watching 9/11 and I had no feelings about it. I knew I was supposed to feel sad, but I felt nothing. Now that is truly sad.
Once I identified the problem, I faced a bigger problem. How do I get these emotions back? I knew I had feelings when I was a child, but something turned off and I didn't even seem to know why. I started talking with other men in my church about the problem and that was at least the beginning of the process. But, still there really wasn't much progress.
About three to six months ago (I'm horrible with timeframes), I stumbled on something that helped me to jump start my emotions. Now, I'm not saying this will work for everyone, but I'm just going to tell you my story and maybe it might help you - or maybe it won't. I don't know. You'll have to tell me if you try it.
The thing which has helped me recently is watching a number of very emotional movies. Most of these movies are about black men and women overcoming huge obstacles in their lives. The themes range from suffering, to temporary moments of victory, to life-shattering horror, to resolutions of peace. I've felt sadness, admiration, respect, honor, anger, joy, triumph, and peace.
The big thing I started to notice is that I've slowly begun to feel these sorts of feelings in my own life. For example, last month, my entire class did a project that was extremely difficult to accomplish. I made it just strong enough so that a couple of them wouldn't make it. I knew all of them could accomplish the task, but I was predicting a few of them would give up. It was my way of testing to see if they could make it at the next level. Not only did all of them make it, but they wrote amazing paragraphs. Their writing was so impressive to me that I started sharing their writings with other teachers. All of the sudden, I realized that I was having feelings of being "proud" of them. I had real hormones or endorphins or seratonine or whatever all that stuff is going around in my body. It was a real feeling. I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt "proud" in more than just words. I actually felt connected to my body.
The other thing that has occurred is I've been revisiting the difficult stories of my past through things like journaling or quiet contemplation, and so forth. Many of these memories used to be laced with resentment and bitterness. Although the resentment and bitterness are real, huge buckets of sadness have begun to accompany those memories. Loss. Sadness. Etc. They have come alive. Before, the stories were dead. They had no feeling. They had no life.
Why all this emphasis on feelings anyway? The reason is that brain research is telling us more and more that fear, anxiety, and resentment block access to emotions and that emotions are necessary for higher cognitive functioning. We need our emotions to regulate ourselves and have a mental state capable of operating in the higher cognitive areas. Basically, the idea that we can be rational without use of our emotions is being disproved through a ton of research.
Just picture a child who is throwing a temper tantrum. They are totally irrational. You are the parent and you are trying to get them to calm down. If you try to engage them at a cognitive or logical level, it will never work. They are incapable of operating at that kind of level. You have to assist them in calming down, draw them close to you when they are ready, and then engage their emotions and ask them why they are so angry or sad. Once all of this occurs, then they are able to talk rationally. Before that moment, there is no rationality and they are completely disconnected.
So, let's take this to a theological level. In a biblical context, God is our father - our parent. In order to really connect with God, many of us need to recognize that we've live our lives completely disconnected from Him. We've felt dead - living with only fear and resentment, which block our access to all of our other emotions. We've lived very irrational, temper tantrum based lives that are incapable of talking with God in a rational and whole hearted way. Why? Because inside we live lives of silent temper tantrums. Some of us express these temper tantrums vocally and others hide them inside. Nevertheless, we try to connect with God in a rational way (the way of Western philosophy) but fail to see that only when we can be calmed and really feel our feelings, will we be able to commune with Him using our whole brain and whole body. Our emotions are access to higher cognition and even connection with our body and with God.
Many of us spend our entire lives lashing out against God (actively or passively) and keep arguing that He isn't showing himself or doing enough for us or for those around us. The reality is that many of us are entirely irrational and in a state of throwing a fit, failing to realize that God is right there with us. For many of us, God has been in the process of calming us over years or even decades in order to ask us how we feel. Engaging our feelings is a way in which God is drawing us near to Him, just like a human parent slowly draws their child close to them to whisper words of safety in their ear and ask about their sadness or anger. When we get to this point with God, then explosions of possibilities and depth with God abound. The grace involved is that God is right there with us the whole way through this slow process and never loses sight of what He is accomplishing, despite our tempers. His aim is to calm us and engage our emotions. I think Jesus is the perfect example of how to see this aspect of God. In the gospels, His disciples were basically throwing fits all the time, often questioning Jesus, and competing with each other. Jesus kept going with them and offering safety every step of the way. Then he died for them in order to guarantee they would be with him forever. Now that is serious passion, grace, patience, and endurance. He wants to walk every step of the way with us forever. That is a loving parent who wants to calm us - connect with our emotions - to go to greater depths of intimacy than we've ever thought possible. This is what I believe.
Here are the movies I've seen (in reverse order):
A Lesson Before Dying
Boyz N the Hood
Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story
The Express (Ernie Davis story)
Remember the Titans
Coach Carter
Finding Forrester
Anwtone Fisher
The Vernon Johns Story
Scottsboro: An American Tragedy
Freedom Song
The Rosa Parks Story
Eyes on the Prize
Freedom Riders
Freedom Writers
Dalai Lama: The South of Tibet
The Massachusetts 54th Colored Infantry
The Tuskegee Airmen
10,000 Black Men Named George
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Ernie Davis - Alive and Well
I watched a movie called "The Express" about the first African American Hiesman Trophy winner Ernie Davis (1961). Of course, Jim Brown should have been the first to win the prestigious award, but race played a factor into that decision and the award came around next to Mr. Davis. Both Brown and Davis played for Syracuse. Davis helped Syracuse win the national championship at the Cotton Bowl vs. the Texas Longhorns. Ernie Davis was drafted by the Cleveland Browns and slated to play in the backfield with Jim Brown himself.
Prior to his first season with the Browns, Ernie Davis was diagnosed with Leukemia. He died the next year in 1963. He never played in the NFL. Nevertheless, the Cleveland Browns retired his jersey, despite never setting foot on the football field.
I was teary eyed as I watched the end to this movie, but I want to tell you why. I wasn't teary eyed because I felt sorry for him. I did feel sad for him. I did feel sad because maybe he could have married and had a football career that could have blossomed. I felt sad that he wasn't alive today because I would have liked to have met him for facing up to the racial adversity he fought through all his years growing up and in college. I wanted to meet him because he seemed like a decent person and a person who loved life and people and football. I did feel sad.
Then I thought to myself, "No, he is alive and I have met him." His story was passed on to my heart. I can take him with me. That is when I realized that intertwined with all of the sadness I felt was admiration - beautiful, strong admiration. That is glory. That is a glimpse of the divine.
He wrote a letter to the Saturday Evening Post called "I'm Not Unlucky" which was published in March 1963. He was 23. years old.
Ernie Davis
1939-1963
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Empty Hands
I took karate in the 80's back when Ralph Macchio was the "Karate Kid" of 1984 and Bananarama dominated the sound track with "Cruel Summer". Anyway, that's besides the point. This is a serious blog entry, but I couldn't help reminiscing a little.
The style or system of karate I took was called American Kenpo. The originator of this system was a guy named Ed Parker. He rubbed elbows with Bruce Lee and gave karate lessons to famous people such as Elvis Presley.
In 1957, he wrote a creed - his personal thoughts on how his system of karate should operate in the minds of his students. As an adolescent, I was required to memorize the creed and recite it each time I took a test to pass to the next belt level.
Here it is:
"I come to you with only karate, empty hands. I have no weapons, but should I be forced to defend myself, my principles or my honor; should it be a matter of life or death, of right or wrong; then here are my weapons, karate, my empty hands."
This morning as I was walking down Mill Avenue to pick up coffee before work, I thought of the many different difficult situations in my life right now, be they small or large ones. I thought about how I relate to people, how I avoid conflict, how I put things off, or how I hide in various ways or another. Then I thought about ways in which I've grown, ways in which I've spoken when I didn't want to speak, waited when I didn't want to wait, and acted when I didn't want to act.
That is when this creed from my childhood percolated into my mind. "I come to you with empty hands...here are my weapons...my empty hands."
There are about six actions I can really think of that we need to do in relationships: listen, speak, wait, act, feel, and repair. These are our weapons - the weapons of love. These are our weapons - our empty hands.
One of the problems is that when we choose to use the weapons God has given us instead of what we might perceive to be "better weapons", we feel naked. We feel exposed. We feel inadequate. We feel unsafe. We feel "unarmed". We feel like we need a weapon to hold onto, but only our empty hands remain. We only have our "self" - our very self is the weapon of love that God has given us. But, we don't feel like our "self" is enough. So, what do we do? We look for weapons that can make us stronger than those around us. Well, the problem is that we don't have any other weapons than what we've got, so our ongoing attempt has been to exagerate or over express only one or two of the ones we have. Maybe you speak and act, but don't listen or feel or repair, and so forth.
You know these people and you and I are one of them. People who listen and wait over and over again but will never speak or act. It is their weapon. It is how they keep you out. They will hear your heart, but they will never let you see theirs. Others speak and act, but never listen or wait. They bulldoze over anyone who gets in their way. It is also their weapon of choice. They don't ever get known or know others. A third type of person listens and acts, but never speaks. A fourth type of person is always trying to repair situations, ones that don't even need repair, but they fail to ever truly act in a given situation. They're repairing over and over again. They're too busy repairing to let you in. Others refuse to begin the arduous task of tapping into their feelings, which they've shut off for years via addiction and/or the control of others. No one ever gets their heart either. Feelings are too dangerous to let loose - to risk exposure.
You get my point, I hope. We exaggerate one or two weapons all the time, in order to avoid using the ones that risk vulnerability - that risk and expose our hearts.
"I come to you with empty hands..." We speak up when we don't want to speak up. We let our voice be heard. We listen when we don't want to listen. We feel when we don't want to feel. We do these things when they are needed. Using our weapon of choice (in an over exaggerated way) makes us feel powerful and less exposed, but it also keeps us from knowing others and being known, the very thing we want and dread at the same time.
My weapons? Speaking. Listening. Waiting. Acting. Feeling. Repairing. When we do these at the appropriate time, instead of guaging whether or not we will win, then we will suffer wounds and pain. But we will also find our strength. Those around us feel the effects of our vulnerability and they are assaulted by the love of God. They take notice and feel the strength in our courage.
The style or system of karate I took was called American Kenpo. The originator of this system was a guy named Ed Parker. He rubbed elbows with Bruce Lee and gave karate lessons to famous people such as Elvis Presley.
In 1957, he wrote a creed - his personal thoughts on how his system of karate should operate in the minds of his students. As an adolescent, I was required to memorize the creed and recite it each time I took a test to pass to the next belt level.
Here it is:
"I come to you with only karate, empty hands. I have no weapons, but should I be forced to defend myself, my principles or my honor; should it be a matter of life or death, of right or wrong; then here are my weapons, karate, my empty hands."
This morning as I was walking down Mill Avenue to pick up coffee before work, I thought of the many different difficult situations in my life right now, be they small or large ones. I thought about how I relate to people, how I avoid conflict, how I put things off, or how I hide in various ways or another. Then I thought about ways in which I've grown, ways in which I've spoken when I didn't want to speak, waited when I didn't want to wait, and acted when I didn't want to act.
That is when this creed from my childhood percolated into my mind. "I come to you with empty hands...here are my weapons...my empty hands."
There are about six actions I can really think of that we need to do in relationships: listen, speak, wait, act, feel, and repair. These are our weapons - the weapons of love. These are our weapons - our empty hands.
One of the problems is that when we choose to use the weapons God has given us instead of what we might perceive to be "better weapons", we feel naked. We feel exposed. We feel inadequate. We feel unsafe. We feel "unarmed". We feel like we need a weapon to hold onto, but only our empty hands remain. We only have our "self" - our very self is the weapon of love that God has given us. But, we don't feel like our "self" is enough. So, what do we do? We look for weapons that can make us stronger than those around us. Well, the problem is that we don't have any other weapons than what we've got, so our ongoing attempt has been to exagerate or over express only one or two of the ones we have. Maybe you speak and act, but don't listen or feel or repair, and so forth.
You know these people and you and I are one of them. People who listen and wait over and over again but will never speak or act. It is their weapon. It is how they keep you out. They will hear your heart, but they will never let you see theirs. Others speak and act, but never listen or wait. They bulldoze over anyone who gets in their way. It is also their weapon of choice. They don't ever get known or know others. A third type of person listens and acts, but never speaks. A fourth type of person is always trying to repair situations, ones that don't even need repair, but they fail to ever truly act in a given situation. They're repairing over and over again. They're too busy repairing to let you in. Others refuse to begin the arduous task of tapping into their feelings, which they've shut off for years via addiction and/or the control of others. No one ever gets their heart either. Feelings are too dangerous to let loose - to risk exposure.
You get my point, I hope. We exaggerate one or two weapons all the time, in order to avoid using the ones that risk vulnerability - that risk and expose our hearts.
"I come to you with empty hands..." We speak up when we don't want to speak up. We let our voice be heard. We listen when we don't want to listen. We feel when we don't want to feel. We do these things when they are needed. Using our weapon of choice (in an over exaggerated way) makes us feel powerful and less exposed, but it also keeps us from knowing others and being known, the very thing we want and dread at the same time.
My weapons? Speaking. Listening. Waiting. Acting. Feeling. Repairing. When we do these at the appropriate time, instead of guaging whether or not we will win, then we will suffer wounds and pain. But we will also find our strength. Those around us feel the effects of our vulnerability and they are assaulted by the love of God. They take notice and feel the strength in our courage.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
What if God Isn't Evil?
The question we gotta ask in some way and some day is
What if God isn’t evil?
And what if God isn’t evil
Then things that don’t make sense would make sense
Because sometimes it feels like a war
Because most often it is a war
And if you wanna go down the lonely road
Don’t call it a war
But call it something that was taken from you that you deserved
But the truth is that war doesn’t make sense
And truth and pain and senseless and silent murder don’t make sense
But in a war where nothing makes sense
The only thing that makes sense is that we’re in it
Maybe we’re in a war and God isn’t the evil one
Maybe we’re in a war
And we’re wounded and low on supplies and nothing seems to work right
Then it might be that God is on our side
That He’s got us in this war and it doesn’t make sense
And the only thing that makes sense is that God’s got us in this war
And we’re down in the trenches and hurting
He’s on our side but we’re disillusioned
And we don’t have friends all the time
And we have to wait and the winters are cold
But those in just wars know it’s good but don’t know the why of everything
We just have to fight
What if God isn’t evil?
And what if God isn’t evil
Then things that don’t make sense would make sense
Because sometimes it feels like a war
Because most often it is a war
And if you wanna go down the lonely road
Don’t call it a war
But call it something that was taken from you that you deserved
But the truth is that war doesn’t make sense
And truth and pain and senseless and silent murder don’t make sense
But in a war where nothing makes sense
The only thing that makes sense is that we’re in it
Maybe we’re in a war and God isn’t the evil one
Maybe we’re in a war
And we’re wounded and low on supplies and nothing seems to work right
Then it might be that God is on our side
That He’s got us in this war and it doesn’t make sense
And the only thing that makes sense is that God’s got us in this war
And we’re down in the trenches and hurting
He’s on our side but we’re disillusioned
And we don’t have friends all the time
And we have to wait and the winters are cold
But those in just wars know it’s good but don’t know the why of everything
We just have to fight
New Reality Fight Song
I took a trip down memory lane
Went back to before I was sane
The rest of the story is untold
What could’a happened will never be told
If I try to get back the wrongs I did
Try to turn back time - something invalid
A bunch of shame - lies that cost
You can never pay back because it costs
You gotta see what’s down below
A current of power - strong undertoe
The storms and waves - depravity
But deep down inside there is a new me
Put down all fake humility
Your strength and heart - reality
Don’t run from dreams - insanity
Take a torch for all - for all to see
Into the light here we come
We wanna live life - the kingdom come
Rap to a beat but don’t conform
Not the same as a need - a need to perform
Brothers and sisters we got for now
And a spirit we got that goes pow wow
You thought you had no worth for them
But Christ came and said you were - amen
If I could have it any other way
I wouldn’t have it any other way
New chapters are better any way
Forever and ever here to stay
In the end it’s nothing else but play
Go resist evil but only for play
Stay with your heart and your soul
Never hurt yourself but grow whole
Trust Him who calls from above
No anger because His name is love
Take a look at your life
Where you came from
It isn’t what you did
But who you came from
Went back to before I was sane
The rest of the story is untold
What could’a happened will never be told
If I try to get back the wrongs I did
Try to turn back time - something invalid
A bunch of shame - lies that cost
You can never pay back because it costs
You gotta see what’s down below
A current of power - strong undertoe
The storms and waves - depravity
But deep down inside there is a new me
Put down all fake humility
Your strength and heart - reality
Don’t run from dreams - insanity
Take a torch for all - for all to see
Into the light here we come
We wanna live life - the kingdom come
Rap to a beat but don’t conform
Not the same as a need - a need to perform
Brothers and sisters we got for now
And a spirit we got that goes pow wow
You thought you had no worth for them
But Christ came and said you were - amen
If I could have it any other way
I wouldn’t have it any other way
New chapters are better any way
Forever and ever here to stay
In the end it’s nothing else but play
Go resist evil but only for play
Stay with your heart and your soul
Never hurt yourself but grow whole
Trust Him who calls from above
No anger because His name is love
Take a look at your life
Where you came from
It isn’t what you did
But who you came from
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