Your Health Isn't Just for You

What you have to decide is whether or not you want to do good to your spouse by taking care of your health the best you can.  Here are some simple ways you can take care of you and your spouse by taking care of your health. 

• Health Insurance
• get private health insurance if you don't have it through work
• get private health insurance for catastrophic events if you can't afford a regular policy
• Doctor and Medical
• go to the doctor when you feel sick - don't try to ride it out
• use urgent care when needed
• visit a doctor for periodic procedures as you grow older
• take prescribed medication daily and don't stop taking it
• visit the chiropractor or physical therapist for back problems
• investigate alternative medicine and therapies through websites such as MayoClinic.org
• Sleep
• get a sleep study done if your spouse thinks you have sleep apnea 
• sleep 7 or 8 hours a day if your body permits you
• Dental Care
• visit your dentist every 6 months
• floss every day
• wear a mouthguard from your dentist if you are a grinder
• Exercise and Eating
• exercise regularly or at least take regular walks
• eat breakfast 
• eat food at home instead of fast food
• eat more fruit and vegetables
• eat fiber
• Mental Health
• take care of your mental health via counseling and/or medication
• address addictions through counseling/12-step programs or other ways for things like smoking, drinking, drugs, and sex addiction

You must decide if you want to do good to your spouse by doing these things, apart from their demands or desires for you to do so.  Some spouses argue over these issues.  Some spouses don't care.  Regardless, your decision to do good to you and your spouse must be apart from his or her demands or passivity.  

It is your choice to take care of you and your spouse through taking care of your health.  

Share Sin and Shame

On the way to church this morning, noting my silence and facial expression, my wife asked me if something was wrong.  Instead of saying, "nothing", which is what my man-heart wanted to say, I told her that I was in a state of shame - feeling low and anxious about something I had done earlier in the morning.  I hadn't done anything wrong, but I was suffering from false guilt, fearing I had done something wrong.  My wife, who is such a good woman, didn't try to find a solution for me.  She listened to me and thanked me for sharing.  She says it makes her feel safe when I share these things.

Later this afternoon, I expressed arrogance and jealousy I'd felt during church towards the preacher and some others who had shared during the morning.  (This is true sin, because I put a divide between me and the other person I harbor arrogance towards.)  I often struggle with thinking that most things in church would run better if I were the one running it, speaking, or leading.  My heart is often guarded and unopen to the dignity and goodness of those who are in the spotlight.  This disposition of my heart often prevents me from living a wholehearted, full life - open to the words, feelings, and hearts of those I come into contact with. 

When I shared the sin of my arrogance and jealousy with my wife, she thanked me.  She often tells me that she feels more safe and trusts me more when I share these things with her.  I believe this is because hiddenness induces mistrust, while ownership and exposure induce trust.  On my wife's part, she usually just listens.  Sometimes she has feedback, but most often, she asks permission before she gives feedback.  Even in her feedback, she rarely tries to fix me or find a solution.  She simiply gives me ideas to think about that could be connected and helpful.  My role is to listen to her, allow her influence, and then make my own decision as my own person. 

In short, when we share our sin and our shame, we give our spouses the opportunity to feel more safe and develop trust overtime.  This is because ownership is one of the highest ways to develop trust in a relationship.  In addition, on the receiving end, when we listen deeply, refuse to try to fix our partner, and offer feedback very gently and with permission, then we also garner safety and trust in our partner.  The process is complicated and messy; yet, with patience and time, it can become glorious.

Ownership

Have you ever shared with your spouse about how they had hurt you and your spouse became defensive, argumentative, avoidant, or contemptuous?  Have you ever hurt your spouse, they addressed the issue with you, and you became defensive, argumentative, avoidant, or contemptuous?  In both of these situations, either you or your spouse, or both of you, are doing something that will lead to years of frustration in your marriage - avoiding ownership.

Ownership means that we take responsibility for our actions towards our spouse.  If our spouse was hurt because we were short with them, then we take ownership.  If our spouse was hurt because we were late for dinner and hadn't called beforehand, then we take ownership.  If we spent money that the other didn't know about and it hurt them, then we take ownership.  If we were looking at pornography, our spouse found it, and felt betrayed, then we take ownership.

Ownership builds trust.

I remember listening to a pastor at my church talk one time about how he had hurt his wife in a conversation.  He had been defensive and avoidant.  The argument wasn't resolved.  He drove off to work.  On his drive, he realized that he wanted to take ownership for what he had done.  He called up his wife on his cell phone and said, "I am so sorry.  I don't want to do that any more.  That isn't what I want to do to you."

In that moment, I realized something that has been very powerful for me and my wife.  When I take ownership for my actions and have a deep desire to change and treat her differently during a similar situation in the future, then it builds trust between her and I.  Even more trust is built when my future actions line up with my desires.

My wife and I go through this process all the time.  She and I meet each other in the middle of our harm towards one another.  Sure, we could avoid it, rationalize it, or debate it, but that creates further division.  Instead, we meet each other in the middle of the pain, be it big or small.

Telling on ourselves builds trust.

Another form of ownership is telling on ourselves.  There are times when we harm our spouse without them knowing it.  Sounds strange, right?  Think about little white lies you've told.  How about pretending to enjoy something with your spouse when you were secretly hating the activity?  Maybe it was more dramatic like you caught yourself flirting with someone at work and didn't realize it until after the fact.  Now you don't know what to do.

Some of us might say that we don't want to hurt our spouse by telling them.  Better to keep it hidden and try to change than risk telling our spouse and hurting them.  Bill Thrall puts it very well when he says, "When we do something against someone in secret, we have already harmed them, they just don't know it yet."  And, to be honest, they probably do know, they just don't know what it is.  We all have a sixth sense that something is wrong.

Taking ownership and telling on ourselves is one of the deepest and most intimate things my wife and I do together.  It feels paradoxical, but when we meet each other in the middle of our harm against one another, we experience trust, safety, intimacy, forgiveness, and peace.  The terrifying part about this process is that the only way to get to those things is to meet each other in the middle of pain, sadness, confusion, and uncertainty.  It is never easy or simple, but the risk may result in something glorious.