Your Health Isn't Just for You

What you have to decide is whether or not you want to do good to your spouse by taking care of your health the best you can.  Here are some simple ways you can take care of you and your spouse by taking care of your health. 

• Health Insurance
• get private health insurance if you don't have it through work
• get private health insurance for catastrophic events if you can't afford a regular policy
• Doctor and Medical
• go to the doctor when you feel sick - don't try to ride it out
• use urgent care when needed
• visit a doctor for periodic procedures as you grow older
• take prescribed medication daily and don't stop taking it
• visit the chiropractor or physical therapist for back problems
• investigate alternative medicine and therapies through websites such as MayoClinic.org
• Sleep
• get a sleep study done if your spouse thinks you have sleep apnea 
• sleep 7 or 8 hours a day if your body permits you
• Dental Care
• visit your dentist every 6 months
• floss every day
• wear a mouthguard from your dentist if you are a grinder
• Exercise and Eating
• exercise regularly or at least take regular walks
• eat breakfast 
• eat food at home instead of fast food
• eat more fruit and vegetables
• eat fiber
• Mental Health
• take care of your mental health via counseling and/or medication
• address addictions through counseling/12-step programs or other ways for things like smoking, drinking, drugs, and sex addiction

You must decide if you want to do good to your spouse by doing these things, apart from their demands or desires for you to do so.  Some spouses argue over these issues.  Some spouses don't care.  Regardless, your decision to do good to you and your spouse must be apart from his or her demands or passivity.  

It is your choice to take care of you and your spouse through taking care of your health.  

Share Sin and Shame

On the way to church this morning, noting my silence and facial expression, my wife asked me if something was wrong.  Instead of saying, "nothing", which is what my man-heart wanted to say, I told her that I was in a state of shame - feeling low and anxious about something I had done earlier in the morning.  I hadn't done anything wrong, but I was suffering from false guilt, fearing I had done something wrong.  My wife, who is such a good woman, didn't try to find a solution for me.  She listened to me and thanked me for sharing.  She says it makes her feel safe when I share these things.

Later this afternoon, I expressed arrogance and jealousy I'd felt during church towards the preacher and some others who had shared during the morning.  (This is true sin, because I put a divide between me and the other person I harbor arrogance towards.)  I often struggle with thinking that most things in church would run better if I were the one running it, speaking, or leading.  My heart is often guarded and unopen to the dignity and goodness of those who are in the spotlight.  This disposition of my heart often prevents me from living a wholehearted, full life - open to the words, feelings, and hearts of those I come into contact with. 

When I shared the sin of my arrogance and jealousy with my wife, she thanked me.  She often tells me that she feels more safe and trusts me more when I share these things with her.  I believe this is because hiddenness induces mistrust, while ownership and exposure induce trust.  On my wife's part, she usually just listens.  Sometimes she has feedback, but most often, she asks permission before she gives feedback.  Even in her feedback, she rarely tries to fix me or find a solution.  She simiply gives me ideas to think about that could be connected and helpful.  My role is to listen to her, allow her influence, and then make my own decision as my own person. 

In short, when we share our sin and our shame, we give our spouses the opportunity to feel more safe and develop trust overtime.  This is because ownership is one of the highest ways to develop trust in a relationship.  In addition, on the receiving end, when we listen deeply, refuse to try to fix our partner, and offer feedback very gently and with permission, then we also garner safety and trust in our partner.  The process is complicated and messy; yet, with patience and time, it can become glorious.

Ownership

Have you ever shared with your spouse about how they had hurt you and your spouse became defensive, argumentative, avoidant, or contemptuous?  Have you ever hurt your spouse, they addressed the issue with you, and you became defensive, argumentative, avoidant, or contemptuous?  In both of these situations, either you or your spouse, or both of you, are doing something that will lead to years of frustration in your marriage - avoiding ownership.

Ownership means that we take responsibility for our actions towards our spouse.  If our spouse was hurt because we were short with them, then we take ownership.  If our spouse was hurt because we were late for dinner and hadn't called beforehand, then we take ownership.  If we spent money that the other didn't know about and it hurt them, then we take ownership.  If we were looking at pornography, our spouse found it, and felt betrayed, then we take ownership.

Ownership builds trust.

I remember listening to a pastor at my church talk one time about how he had hurt his wife in a conversation.  He had been defensive and avoidant.  The argument wasn't resolved.  He drove off to work.  On his drive, he realized that he wanted to take ownership for what he had done.  He called up his wife on his cell phone and said, "I am so sorry.  I don't want to do that any more.  That isn't what I want to do to you."

In that moment, I realized something that has been very powerful for me and my wife.  When I take ownership for my actions and have a deep desire to change and treat her differently during a similar situation in the future, then it builds trust between her and I.  Even more trust is built when my future actions line up with my desires.

My wife and I go through this process all the time.  She and I meet each other in the middle of our harm towards one another.  Sure, we could avoid it, rationalize it, or debate it, but that creates further division.  Instead, we meet each other in the middle of the pain, be it big or small.

Telling on ourselves builds trust.

Another form of ownership is telling on ourselves.  There are times when we harm our spouse without them knowing it.  Sounds strange, right?  Think about little white lies you've told.  How about pretending to enjoy something with your spouse when you were secretly hating the activity?  Maybe it was more dramatic like you caught yourself flirting with someone at work and didn't realize it until after the fact.  Now you don't know what to do.

Some of us might say that we don't want to hurt our spouse by telling them.  Better to keep it hidden and try to change than risk telling our spouse and hurting them.  Bill Thrall puts it very well when he says, "When we do something against someone in secret, we have already harmed them, they just don't know it yet."  And, to be honest, they probably do know, they just don't know what it is.  We all have a sixth sense that something is wrong.

Taking ownership and telling on ourselves is one of the deepest and most intimate things my wife and I do together.  It feels paradoxical, but when we meet each other in the middle of our harm against one another, we experience trust, safety, intimacy, forgiveness, and peace.  The terrifying part about this process is that the only way to get to those things is to meet each other in the middle of pain, sadness, confusion, and uncertainty.  It is never easy or simple, but the risk may result in something glorious.

Speaking Their Language

Last year, my wife, then girlfriend, and I went to a ballet called "Ballet Under The Stars" in a local park.  The night air was crisp, the stage lighting was excellent, and the dancers were talented. 

We attended the event with her brother and sister-in-law.  During the highlight of the show, while probably the best routine was being performed, I was literally about to utter, "Wow, this is powerful."

Just before I said these words, my wife's sister-in-law said, "Wow, this is beautiful."

I chuckled a little under my breath.  Here we were, watching the exact same show, and my first words were about power and her first words were about beauty.  Same observation, completely different interpretation.

Or was it?

If we take a coin, then on one side is beauty and on the other side is strength.  It is a paradox of being one-in-the-same coin and yet opposite sides, just as with gender, men and women are both humans who unite as one flesh and yet are so different from one another.  A man and a woman unite and paradoxically can help each other to become more masculine and more feminine, thus even more distinct from one another, yet even more united as one flesh - a mysterious, glorious, fearful process.

Anyway, let's get back to the practical point I'm making.

Men and women speak differently.  We all know that.  However, have you ever thought of trying to speak your partner's language?  What if the two of you were looking out at a sunset or a sky full of stars, and as a man, you looked to your beautiful woman and said, "These stars are beautiful and they are like a decoration to go with your beauty.  You are beautiful."

What if you were a woman looking at the sunset or the sky full of stars and said, "This sky is powerful, the sheer massiveness of it is so powerful, and it moves me.  The stars move planets and you move me.  You are powerful and you move me."

The point I'm trying to make here is that as couples, we need to practice trying to put things into the language of our spouses.  It is truly a cross-cultural arrangement and we must dare and risk speaking to our spouses, not as we wish to be spoken to, but as they desire.

The best way to do this is to ask, "How can I speak to you in the way that affects you?"  Or, try stuff out, and then ask, "Did you like the way I expressed that to you?" 

This is a good way to start.

Calling for No Reason

I heard a guy say one time that he calls his wife a couple times a day for no reason at all.  He just wants her to know that he's thinking of her.

I took this guy up on his advice and I probably call my wife at least once a day for no reason at all.  No appointment to schedule.  No mutual chore that we need to embark upon.  No item on the agenda.  None of that.  I just call to say "Hi, how are you?"  That's it.

This is very vulnerable for us as men and maybe even downright scary, but give it a try.  The reason you're calling isn't for an item on the agenda.  It's just so she knows you're thinking of her and her heart.  It helps her to feel more open and safe with you.

Oh, and it doesn't have to be a 30 minute phone call that's going to ruin work for you.  My calls are usually an average of 3 minutes, which surprises me because we like to talk to each other.  Anyway, if your wife is a talker, just tell her you need to get back to work but you wanted to know how she was doing.  That's okay.

Of course, it can get more complicated than that and who's to say who's working during what hours and when each of you is free or not free for a phone call.  Maybe she's a nurse and busier than you and you have to leave a voicemail.  The point is that she knows your desire is there.  She'll appreciate the voicemail as well.

Good luck men.

Take a Walk

My wife told me to write this blog - Take a Walk.  Here it is:

One of the things we really like to do is take walks.  We've realized this is something that is very important to us.  See, we're really good at talking and communicating, but sometimes it helps to do so while taking a walk.  I'm not sure really why, but the physical activity plus talking works really well.

Taking a walk can be really vulnerable, because there's nothing to do.  All you can do is talk.  And, if you aren't talking, then you have to deal with the silence.  I highly recommend turning off your cell phone.  Frankly, it can almost feel scary - turning off that cell phone.  If you've got kids that may or may not be an option, but if you can create a situation where you can turn off your cell phone, then that's the best option.

Walks tend to bring out scary conversations like, "Can we talk about our dreams and our future?"  Whew!  Why can't we just be okay with right now? - this is what I am thinking when she asks this question.  But, the reality is that a walk is a great time to process through what's happening in life right now, as well as talking about what our hopes and dreams are for the future.

So, the next time you and your spouse are trying to think of something to do, instead of downloading a movie or driving to Red Box, try taking a walk sometimes.

Affecting Your Husband

My wife affects me to the core when she tells me what she knows I can do well.  In particular as men, we are interested in whether or not our work counts.  Does what we do really matter?  Does it do anything to you?  Do you admire our work?

For example, if I write a blog entry, my wife can say, "You're a good man, with a good heart, who is very loving." This is a good response and I don't want her to stop, but it doesn't do as much as when she says, "These words you wrote, the way you crafted them, the way that they made me feel, and what I learned from them were powerful."*

As another example, if I build something out of wood, stain, paint, metal, or tinker toys for that matter, my wife can say, "This is so beautiful.  You always make such beautiful things."  This is a good response, but it doesn't do as much as if she says, "Wow.  How did you make this dresser?"  After listening what I did and how I did it, if she says, "Wow.  You are really good at working with your hands.  This is an excellent piece of work," then I'm much more deeply affected.

As men, we want to know if you think we can do things.  Of course, don't stop using the words, "I love you" or "You are a good man with a good heart."  Please, don't stop saying these things.  We need it all, just as you do.  However, if you want to affect us to the core, to really speak intimately to our hearts, then tell us what you think about our work and what we can do.

It does something to us.

______________________________
*My wife has increasingly been getting better at affecting me in this way through her words and through her written messages to me.  Thus, I have gratitude in thinking about how she has awakened me to what I have written above.  I've experienced this through her willingness to learn how to connect with me as a man.

Getting Outside Help

My wife and I meet with a counselor.  We do so extensively.  If you've been reading these previous blog entries of mine, you might be tempted to wonder how we are doing so well.  The reality is that apart from outside help, we wouldn't be doing very well right now at all.

My wife and I are both broken people with broken pasts, and we still have our current sinful nature.  We bear a mixture of dignity and depravity and that depravity is something we aren't able to deal with on our own.

We need help from the outside.

I've been meeting with an excellent counselor for the past year and a half and my wife has been meeting with her for the past year or so.  We also attend a marriage class that is taught and facilitated by people who have worked through lots of issues in their marriages, many of whom have gone from very difficult marriages to marriages that are anywhere from improving to thriving.  A good marriage class or small group counseling is also helpful.

A lot of you might be thinking, I don't need help from the outside.  I don't need a counselor.  My wife and I are doing fine.  My husband and I are doing fine.  The reality is that there aren't very many marriages that are doing well at all.  This is a sad reality in a world ridden with sin and shame.  Most marriage partners are living together but hiding from one another in various ways.

To find a good counselor, you need to look for someone who not only has good training, but also someone who has worked through their own stuff.  A counselor isn't someone who has always had their stuff together, rather most good counselors have worked through the harm done to them and the pain they have caused themselves and others.  Before submitting yourself to a counselor, ask them about their master's program.  Did it require them to submit to their own therapy through the program or at least outside of the program during their duration of the program?  Also, can the therapist share a little bit about how they have worked through their harm, pain, and dysfunctional patterns?  They don't need to give you exclusive details, rather a general, overall picture.  If they give you a deer-in-the-headlights look, then you probably aren't sitting in front of the right person.

All marriages, including relatively good ones, need someone from the outside who can help shed light on the relational dynamics within the marriage.  An unhealthy marriage desperately needs help.  A healthy, unhidden marriage needs fine tuning along the way in order to help from getting stagnate.  A healthy couple knows they need this help.  They get help from time to time even when they are doing well as a way to trouble shoot stuff before it gets out of control.  Sort of like getting your oil changed to prevent blowing out an engine gasket.  An unhealthy couple, on the other hand, often doesn't believe they really need very much help at all.  This is unfortunate.

The thing is, when you invite your spouse to see a counselor, they will either get scared and resist, or they will get filled with gratitude.  Either way, you are taking a risk, demonstrating a tremendous amount of courage.  Your spouse will know whether or not you want a counselor to "get your spouse fixed" or the opposite, which is that you truly want some help from the outside, including yourself, to strengthen the relationship - that your heart is for them and not against them.

If your spouse isn't willing, the real question you'll have to grapple with is whether or not you'll do it on your own.  My prayer for you is that it would be the two of you, but sometimes it has to start with one or the other who has found the courage to do so - to get help from the outside - to find someone who can help you with the parts of you that you can't see on your own.

Do you and/or your spouse have help from the outside?

Joy and Graditude in the Ordinary

I used to have grand ideas about how to save the world.  I had the following beliefs:

• if I could become a politician who saved the U.S. then that would be extraordinary.  
• if I could write a book that would change people, then that would be extraordinary.  
• if I could start an orphanage, adopt some crack babies, or start an inner-city ministry, then that would be extraordinary.

But, then I ran into my wife.

My wife and I find ourselves in some of the most extraordinary moments as we sit down to eat a meal.  A sense of gratitude and joy often comes over us as we simply thank one another for cooking dinner or washing the dishes following dinner.  A sense of gratitude and joy comes over us as we realize the other person has listened to our vulnerability in sharing some of the fears or failures we experienced during the day.  "Thank you" becomes more than just a polite expression.  It becomes a deep sense of connection to the other person.

As another example, we also experience a sense of gratitude and joy as we share each others accomplishments and successes during the day, along with words of affirmation, a way to endorse the other person's value, worth, and recognition.  "Thank you for affirming me."  It is powerful.

As a final example, we experience a sense of gratitude and joy when we share with each other how we have been blamed, harmed, or hurt, be it a large infraction or a seemingly smaller one.  When our spouse says, "I'm so sorry that happened to you.  That wasn't fair and that person shouldn't have done that to you."  When we say these sorts of things to each other, without trying to fix the other, we validate their feelings and woundedness.

I used to think that I could experience the joy of doing something extraordinary if I saved the world.  Now, I realize that I experience the most gratitude and joy in the simple moments that my wife and I have as we often meet for moments of quiet connectedness to listen, share, validate, and support one another.  It is possible that one day, God might use me to save the world; however, I can't experience the type of gratitude and joy found in such a venture without it sprouting from the deeper sense of gratitude and joy that I experience with my wife at the dinner table for quiet moments of reflection.

This is where God takes us at our core relationship and allows us to move with that core relationship out into the realm of the many.  Saving the world really means husbands, wives, fathers, and mothers who experience deep senses of gratitude and joy in the seemingly ordinary moments of the day and then carry their heart into the world and then those around them are infected by their ordinary joys which infuse into their own spousal and parental relationships.  The extraordinary is truly about others being infected by our seemingly ordinary gratitudes and joys.

"Joy comes to us in moments - ordinary moments.  We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary." - Brene Brown

A Happy Husband is a Happy Life

Now that I’m getting into the whole marriage arena, I’m starting to hear all sorts of expression, commentary, and proverbs about marriage.  A couple months ago, I heard someone say, “I do believe in the expression that a ‘happy wife is a happy life’.”

Well, I have all sorts of thoughts on that one.  It’s true and it isn’t true.  Keeping your wife happy isn’t the goal, but doing good to her is the goal.  In the long run, doing good to your wife, loving her, results in a happy life – in the midst of all sorts of other stuff like pain, sadness, joy, hope, disappointment and fear. 

I digress.

As I thought about writing another blog entry on marriage, a recollection of some friends of mine came to mind and I thought, “Hmm, I know a couple who has done the opposite.”

So, that’s where I came up with the title: “A Happy Husband is a Happy Life”.

Four or five years ago, my friend and his wife chose to do something that I believe has been very healthy for their marriage.  He had previously worked for a power company making a lot of money – at least a lot of money in my book.  At minimum, they didn’t have to worry about finances extensively.   Unfortunately, the job kept him contained in a cubicle, a man who loves to work with his hands clicked away at his computer every day – bored with his occupational life.

After returning from a year overseas working for an NGO, the husband tried out his hand at remodeling, something he’d done before on the side, but never as a primary source of income.  The projects started rolling in and so they decided he would do so as along as it was working out.  Initially the work kept coming in.  But, remodeling and carpentry is an up and down business and the money isn’t as secure as working for a power company.  Times have been hard financially, but they – and more specifically the wife – have stayed with this up and down employment for the past several years. 

It is to the wife that I pay my respect.  Financial security is a very important thing in our lives.  I have a high degree of respect for husbands who work jobs they don’t like in order to support their families.  However, in this situation, she believed that her husband was happier doing remodel work and so she chose to live a more difficult life financially for the sake of her husband’s emotional health, her emotional health, and the health of their children. 

In addition, the situation works very well for her too, since he works out of his garage and out on job projects.  When he’s working at home, she gets to see him, the kids get to see him, they have lunch together, and watch him work through the window.  Thus, it isn’t just that the husband is emotionally healthy due to this choice they’ve made.  They all benefit.

In this life, we will have money and we won’t have money.  I’m not going to try to write out some sort of blanket rule for how we should make our decisions on these sorts of things.  I respect those who choose financial security and also respect those who choose to struggle through job preference as a choice.  I respect them both for different reasons.  It is a choice.  Nevertheless, I share this story with you, simply because I think it is a cool story and one worth sharing.
____________________________
*Note: Before posting this blog entry, I sent it to my friend to whom I'm referring to check it for accuracy and make sure he approved my post.  He said "I approve this message" and he also said he appreciated my take on the situation.  He states that things are on the up right now with his remodeling business, but he also states that "yes" it is an up and down business but that he believes God is good and trustworthy even in the midst of the down times when they come.

Don't Hide

While speaking with a friend of mine at church the other day, he gave me one good piece of advice about being a husband.

"Don't hide."

Getting Old, Getting Real

In the Velveteen Rabbit, two stuffed animals talk about what it means to be loved and to become Real:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.  "It's a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.  "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.  "You becojme.  It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

_____________________________________

Women, decorate and take care of yourselves over your lifetime because your beauty is not dependent upon what culture has told you to believe.  Decorate and take care of yourselves because you are already beautiful.  Men, tell your women often that they are beautiful because you know the truth, which is that they are already beautiful.  Don't roll your eyes due to the fact that they need to hear this from you often and why won't they just believe the truth?  What you need to understand is that it is our role and our power to tell them the truth in this area so that they can believe the truth over time.  Women, this is where you offer your vulnerability.  Men, this is where you nurture their vulnerability.  When they fail to believe you, it isn't because there is something wrong with you, it is because they need your help to believe the truth about themselves.  They really need us and this is where we get to use our strength over and over again.

Men, take care of yourselves physically and emotionally, not so that you can prove your power, but to demonstrate the power you already have.  Your body will break down but your strength will not.  You will have to find new ways to exert the strength you have.  Your power will come from your words.  Men, you have the ability to tell others their identity - your wives, your children, and other men in your life.  As you grow older, your new power becomes your words.  In fact, this is the way you become like God - you instill the words of identity into others.  Your wives and daughters learn their beauty.  Your sons and other men learn their strength. 

Women, believe your men when they tell you who you really are.  Don't demand them to declare words of identity to you.  Instead, invite them to do so and tell them the type of beautiful power they have to do amazing things to your heart.  It is a huge risk to stop demanding and start naming your desires with only an invitation.  Refuse to criticize him for not doing it the way you want him too.  Instead, explain to him how he can be most powerful and how his words can affect you most.  He will know if you are inviting or demanding.  It will take amazing patience.  But, in the end, your man might find the strength he thought he was losing.  Your invitation, instead of your demand, is the way in which you invite his strength.  This is one of the best ways you can love him. 

Synopsis:
Women, believe in your beauty.  Men, declare their beauty.
Men, exert your strength.  Women, invite their strength.

Gottman on Building Trust

What I've found through research is that trust is built in very small moments, which I call "sliding door" moments, after the movie Sliding Doors.  In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.

Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship.  One night, I really wanted to finish a mystery novel.  I thought I knew who the killer was, but I was anxious to find out.  At one point in the night, I put the novel on my bedside and walked into the bathroom. 

As I passed the mirror, I saw my wife's face in the reflection, and she looked sad, brushing her hair.  There was a sliding door moment.

I had a choice.  I could sneak out of the bathroom and think, I don't want to deal with her sadness tonight; I want to read my novel.  But instead, because I'm a sensitive researcher of relationships, I decided to go into the bathroom.  I took the brush from her hair and asked, "What's the matter, baby?"  And she told me why she was sad.

Now, at that moment, I was building trust; I was there for her.  I was connecting with her rather than choosing to think only about what I wanted.  These are the moments, we've discovered, that build trust.

One such moment is not that important, but if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship - very gradually, very slowly.

Taken from an article by researcher John Gottman @ www.greatergood.berkeley.edu who wrote The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples, as quoted by Brene Brown in Daring Greatly.

Struggle

My wife asked me to write a blog about some of the struggles we have faced both prior to marriage and within marriage. I can understand why she's requested this one. A lot of my blog entries could make it seem like we are the perfect couple and why can't I live up to that or why can't my spouse be more like him or her.

The truth is - we all struggle.

My wife and I have our own stories coming into marriage and our own story that we are now developing within marriage. I'm a man and she's a woman. Frankly, we fall into a lot of patterns that are similar to others. When my shame gets triggered, I go silent. When her shame gets triggered, she wants to control. Neither of us wants to do harm to one another, but we do. When I go silent, I'm harming her, despite my desire to do just the opposite. When she gets controlling, she harms me, even though she doesn't want to do so.

Here some examples:

Today, we were talking about finances on our drive. We recently sold our car and have some money. Sounds great right? But, what about how to spend it? That can cause problems. In fact, it has done so already. We've gone back and forth on a number of ways to spend it. I've gone silent and I've tried to control. She's gone silent and tried to control. We've both reacted a number of times and it has taken a lot of emotional risk to keep going back to the discussion to meet each other.

So often in situations like this, I'm tempted to say, "Whatever, just do whatever you want to do with it." This would of course be the worst thing I could do because I'd essentially be saying, "I'm bowing out. I'm not going to stay engaged with you in this process." From her point of view, this would be me telling her that I don't love her. Nevertheless, even though I've stayed in the arena with her, I have still harmed her with my silence and control and she has harmed me with her silence and control. The beauty is that if we choose to stay engaged, then things like our finances can become a place where we form some of our deepest bonds of intimacy, having gone through the process together. The reality is - we've been doing this for three months now and we've only survived about 25% of our budgeting sessions without conflict and hurt.

It is a struggle.

How about other day to day stuff? Let's talk about how to do things around the house. My wife is someone who values efficiency. I'm someone who never does anything efficiently. My wife is someone who thinks about all the ways that something can be accomplished. I'm someone who thinks about what problems may arise. My wife is open to relationships. I'm more selective and often fearful. My wife drives aggressively. I drive tentatively. Can you see the conflict inherent in this relationship?

I love my wife, but I really have to believe the truth, which is that she isn't my enemy when everything wants to tell me that she is. So often we can believe that the other person is out to make us men feel like we aren't good enough or make us women feel like we're too much. The reality is that we have to declare those beliefs as utterly false so that we can find what is deep down in our hearts, and often hard to find - that they aren't the enemy and that we want to do good to them.

I know that many of you might be thinking - but what if I don't know whether or not I want to do good or do harm to my spouse or not? This sort of ambivalence causes a lot of shame and guilt, especially for those of us who have been engaged in years of cycles of harm.

The reality is that we are all mixtures of goodness and harm. There is a dark side of us that wants to harm - truly. There is a good side of us that wants to do good - truly. The thing we have to remember is that our true self - the one that God has created - wants to do good. No matter how loud the voice of the dark side might be (sounds like Darth Vader here) we have to ask God to help us find that something deep down inside us, which is our desire is to do good to our spouse. When we engage with our spouse and try to believe that they aren't against us, then much can be accomplished in terms of intimacy and emotional health.

Commentary Question: What changes have you made in your marriage to help work through struggles?

One Car

In college, I went to an event in our dorm on creative dating.  The man who presented had written a book about he and his wife and their creative dating practices.  I can’t remember his name or the book he wrote, but I do remember one thing.  He said, “My wife and I drive one car.  On purpose.  Our driving times together are times that we get to talk without interruption.  A lot of good, quality time happens during those drives.”

Now, I’m not saying that you need to drop down to one car, if you have two.  And, you might even need two cars, depending on your situation.  However, even if you have two cars, my question is – how often do you drive each other to work?  Or, if that isn't a possibility, how often do you drive together to different functions, errands, and different events when it would be easier to use two cars?

My wife and I currently have one car.  I don’t want to judge anyone for how they run their lives logistically.  However, if we might buy another car in the future, my hope is that we intentionally drive each other to different places reasonably often, even if we get a second car.  We’ll see what happens when the rubber meets the road.  

Comment Question: What are some things that you and your spouse do to increase the amount of uninterrupted quality time?

Do Good Once a Day

In my last blog entry, I talked about how if you practice saying "I love you" to your wife once a day, then it will probably turn into more than once a day.

Similarly, for either husband or wife, if you try to do one good thing a day to him or her, then you will probably begin to do two, three, or four good things to him or her a day over time.  Once-a-day turns into more-than-once-a-day.  It has the opportunity to snowball. 

When we do good to our spouse, simply for the sake of doing good to them, it becomes very powerful and life giving.  This is hardest for struggling marriages, and that is why I say - give it a try just once a day.  That way it doesn't have to be so overwhelming.  Just try doing good once a day and see where it takes you.

Oh, and if you want to take a huge risk, ask your partner, "What is something good I could do to you today?"  What you think and what they think might be very different.  Especially across the sexes.

I Love You

Men, I heard this guy say one time that he makes sure to tell his wife that he loves her at least once a day. I decided to follow suit and I've done it ever since. Truth be told, once I started this practice, it turned into more than once a day. I think that in many things with our spouses, an intentional once-a-day can turn into more-than-once-a-day, almost without meaning to. 

Oh, and by the way, it doesn't get old for them to hear you say "I love you", especially when your desire is to do good to them out of an honest heart.  There are all of the in-between moments or regular occurances throughout the day, but then there are also those crucial times when they are down about something and they need to hear your words say "I love you", not to try to fix them in that moment but simply to know that you love them in the middle of it.

Double Dating

In recent entries, I've stressed the need to find and grab hold of our own individual interests and the need to endorse the interests of our partner.  This is part of the individuation we need in our marriage relationships - the need to be our own person.  On the flip side, there are a few mutual things we need to cultivate and nuture as well.

One of those activities is double-dating.  I'm sure that now or in the past that you've run into that newly married couple who used to hang out with ya'll, but now they're married and you never see them for the light of day.

That kind of couple has got to get themselves out into the world.

You and your spouse have got to get outside yourselves.  Dinner-out and a movie can only go so far.  You gotta get out there.  You need to double-date.  See, most singles think they have it made once they get married because they have that companion that doesn't have to go home at the end of the evening.  And yes, this is very true in-and-of-itself.  The reality is, however, we all know that our spouse, dinner, TV, and a movie won't cut it over time.  Boring.  Boring.  Boring. 

Our spouses might not be boring in-and-of-themselves, but give it enough time without any outside contact to the world and even the most interesting Las Vegas showtime entertainer won't catch your eye for much longer.  In addition, reclusing into your own two-selves for long periods of time just isn't psychologically healthy.  We were designed for relationship.  Our partner was designed to be our primary human source for relationship, but not our only one. 

So, it's time to get out there.  Feels strange to say this, but it's sort of like dating all over again.  A number of married couples already have a network of built in double-dating relationships and somehow they knew the need to get out there and be with other couples. On the other hand, a number of us (me included) would sink into the recesses of our homes if we didn't intentionally force ourselves to get out there and meet the rest of the world.  For those of you in this boat, those of you who eat the same meal every day, watch the same news program every night, and take the same route to work every day - you're going to have the greatest difficulty.  How in the world are we supposed to find others to double-date?  Who do we do this with?  How do we get out there?

In our Cable TV, Wireless Internet, Wii, PlayStation, Netflix, and Hulu based culture, double-dating can present a bit of a problem if you aren't already a part of a community.  This is in contrast to the experience most of us had in high school and for those of us who went to college.  We hung out with our friends in-between classes during high school and drove off campus during lunch time with upper classmen friends.  We went to high school football games, participated in clubs and organizations, and then hung out on weekends at parties or just at friends' houses.  During college, we lived in the dorms, met people, and did life with lots of others.  We ate lunch and dinner, studied together, played paintball, went rock climbing, middle-of-the-night Walmart runs, fraternity and sorority events, religious club activities, and dorm social activities.  The whole lifestyle was conducive to activities outside the dorm room.  Dating and double dating and hanging out were almost effortless, at least for a number of people.  When we leave college, get married, and especially have children, the getting-out-there process becomes more difficult. If we never socialized much growing up, then the task becomes even more daunting.

Neverthless, you and your spouse have a desperate need to get out there with others.  It really is a life or death situation - at least psychologically and spiritually speaking.

There are two ways I can think of to start meeting other couples and start going out on those double-dates, and I'm sure there are plenty of other ways.  First, I think Meetup.com and other social websites are a great place to start.  Sit down with your spouse at the computer, iPad, or iPhone and start searching.  What would you guys like to try out?  Maybe Meetup.com Horseback riding.  How about Meetup hiking or painting.  One time I looked up writer's groups and found like five or ten of them right in my own area.  There are all sorts of things on the site.  In fact, there probably is some sort of married-couple-double-dating Meetup for all I know.  Truth be told, I haven't even looked.  But, there's a ton of stuff out there.

Another way to meet others is to hook up with your church if you happen to be religious.  Religious centers are designed specifically to bring people together.  Meet some of those other married couples.  Attend a marriage class.  Go to the church volleyball picnic or the church-wide family pool party.  Say "hi" to someone.  Once you feel comfortable, see if your spouse feels comfortable asking out such-and-such a couple to a baseball game, coffee, or to play more volleyball.  Maybe you invite a couple of couples to a barbecue at your home or in the park.  Make sure your partner feels comfortable too, or it'll backfire.  You might have to wait a little bit or look for another couple they feel comfortable asking out.  Remember, you're doing this dating thing as a couple now.

One concern that I hope you have right now as I make these suggestions is this - how do I know these new people are safe?  Well, remember that one thing you don't have to do is ask them out right away.  You can hang out in those Meetup's or church activities for a long time before you ask anyone on a double-date. 

The other great resource I strongly recommend is a book called Safe People by Cloud and Townsend.  A complimentary book to go along with it is Boundaries by the same authors.  The idea is to get yourself out there as a couple, gather up the courage to ask others out, and take some emotional risks, while keeping in mind some of the principles found the books Safe People and Boundaries.

On a final note, you might be wondering how often you should be getting out there for a double-date?  How often should we be try hanging out with a new couple?  The reality is that we are all different and we all have our own sets of fears, much less the fact that our lives are so busy and fast paced anyway.  My wife and I generally seem to be doing a double-date about one to three times a month - and I'm even lumping lunches, visits to their house, and coffee into the mix, much less more creative type dates.  This is made much easier by the fact that we are already part of a church community and that we're already intentional about getting ourselves out there.  If you and your partner haven't tried doing this before and it feels scary, why not just try to do a double-date once-a-month?  That goal is achievable, and if you guys start liking the whole thing, then it will probably turn into more than once-a-month.

So, if you seem stuck or if you keep meeting with the same couple once every two months but can't seem to break into any new couples for a double-date, then you're gonna have to take a risk and do the whole Meetup.com thing or the church activity thing or something like that. 

Several years ago, I read a book by Henry Cloud called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping.  The book was for singles, but I think it applies to married couples as well.  In the book, Cloud recommends that those in their thirties, who haven't successfully found a marriage partner, try to date at least five people at a time.  I'm not talking five serious relationships - I'm talking about going out on dates for the sole purpose of going out on dates - nothing else.  I tried it out and by the time I got to person three or four, I actually ran into my now current wife.  The point was to stop thinking and start dating - just get out there.

Similar to dating singles, double-dating is the same.  You gotta get out there and go on some initial dates with these other couples.  It doesn't mean you're going to be best friends with them for the rest of your lives.  In fact, maybe you decide you don't like the couple after the first double-date and you never go out with them again.  There's nothing wrong with that.  On the other hand, maybe you'll find a couple or two couples or three couples or more that you can do things with on a regular basis. 

As spouses, it is crucial to get outside ourselves for the psychological health of our marriages and our children.  Our spouse and our children were never designed to bear the weight of our full set of needs.  The larger community has been provided to complement our families and meet our needs and desires as our additional resources.  As married couples, one need we have is relationship with other married couples.  Double-dating is a great way to improve the health of your marriage.

Refuse Anything Less Than Equality

Refuse anything less than equality with your spouse. 

So many of us go into relationships because we want to rescue or be rescued, teach or be taught, fix or be fixed.  All of these sorts of relationships are ones of inequality. 

I decided early on to believe the truth, which was that my wife (then girlfriend) was my equal.  I decided to listen to her and refused to think about how I was going to respond until after she had finished.  I decided to speak to her before I knew whether or not I was right or wrong.  I decided to take her seriously.  I decided to take myself seriously.

In equality, we decide to let the other person be in their own process in life and with God and with others. We stop trying to change them.  We share our desires, but we refuse to make demands. We have healthy boundaries and respect theirs as well. We allow their involvement and decide to let them in but refuse to succumb to their every whim.

In equality, we refuse to rescue or be rescued, teach or be taught, fix or be fixed.  We see each other for who we really are - a mixture of good and bad - and we decide that both of us have much to offer and much to learn from.  We meet them in each and every conversation on the same level and refuse to downplay either their desires or our own desires.

We meet them as our equal.

Learn Everything You Can From Them

Learn everything you can from your spouse.

There.  I said it.

This is a source of conflict for many couples.  The reason is that once we get to know our spouses, we begin to see all of their flaws and that makes it difficult to learn from them.  However, opening up ourselves to learn from our partner is actually a very difficult, but very rewarding way we can extend grace to them. 

If I open myself up to learning from my partner, then I am telling them, "I know all of the flaws, all of the sin, and all of the dysfunction between you and me.  Nevertheless, I'm going to try to find all the things I can to learn from you because you have value and you have things I can learn."

When a husband opens himself up to learning from his wife, then she feels that he's inviting her involvement and she feels loved.  When a wife opens herself up to learning from her husband, then he feels respected, endorsed, and maybe even admired.

Oh, and one more thing.  When you learn something from them - tell them about it.  In the moment you tell them what you've learned from them, it is like the power of God has run through you and spoken to them.  It is truly amazing.  It is grace running through us into them and it becomes addictive - a joy.

Take an Interest in Their Interests

A couple years ago I had coffee with someone who said this, "I read some author a long time ago who says to take an interest in your spouse's interests. So, that is what I try to do. For example, sometimes I take her to to the bookstore and we have to find books that we've never read before. Then we share with each other about the books, why we chose them, and why they interest us. It helps us to keep remembering that we need to learn about our spouse's interests."

Well, let me tell you something - I recorded that idea in the old data banks and saved it for a later date. When my wife and I first started dating, I took her to a bookstore and that's what I did. I called it a "bookstore activity".   I told her we had 30 minutes to find 3 books that we'd never read before and then we'd meet to share about why we chose them after the 30 minutes.  During our time of sharing, I found out that one of her interests was gardening. Several months later, I bought her some antique style gardening tools for Christmas.  I was able to apply what I had learned about her.

Taking an interest in the other person's interests doesn't mean we try to force ourselves to like what they like, but it does mean that we try to find different ways to endorse their interests.  I'm not planning on gardening this fall as much as my wife plans to do, but I do plan to help her out as I can and to ask her about her plans and what she wants to do with her gardening.

Try to discover your spouse's interests.  Try a bookstore activity or simply ask them about their interests.  Ask them what activities or dreams they've given up on over the years.  Why have they given them up?  Why have they stopped painting, writing poetry, cycling, or training dogs competitively?  Encourage your spouse to try out new things that might generate new interests. 

Cautions

• Don't try to get your spouse to like what you like.
• Don't secretly hope your spouse will begin to like what you like.
• Don't feel guilty for not liking what your spouse likes.
• Simply take an interest in their interests.  It is much more rewarding and satisfying.
• Shared interests will come over time.
• Let them have their own set of individual interests. 

Disclaimer
If you and your spouse have lots of individual interests and few shared interests, then maybe it's time to do the opposite and figure out some ways to find shared interests.  But, that's a topic for another blog entry.

Make Theft a Priority

In teaching, we talk about how the best teachers, in reality, are just good at stealing. We intentionally seek out the best teachers and then steal from them.

I recently read a book called "Steal Like an Artist" by Austin Kleon that reminded me of something that I want to share with you about how I do relationship with my wife.

I steal.

Here are a few ideas. Find good spouses and steal from them. Listen to them. Take note of the things you see them doing that keeps the relationship authentic or fresh. Attend marriage classes, invite your spouse to counseling if they are willing, read books or websites on creative dating, find books on how to love, and and most of all - keep your eyes open.

Make theft a priority.

The Internet is a great place to find all sorts of stuff on creative dating and lots of practical ideas on how to show your spouse that you love them. One time I found a website called "101 ways to show your wife that you love her", or something like that. My wife and I were only dating at the time but I stole religiously from that site.

Making theft a priority is such a good idea because we all have so many weird ideas about what our spouse may or may not like, but the truth is that if we don't make stealing a habit, then we're probably only hitting a fraction of the ways in which they desire to be loved by us. So, steal openly and try things out on your spouse. Have a rule that each of you can tell each other what you like and don't like. The idea is to steal lots of stuff and then see what part of your stolen goods works for them in particular. Over time, through communicating with your spouse, you'll begin to learn more about the things that he or she loves.

Write Notes to Her Everyday

Try to write a note to your wife everyday but give yourself grace when you don't. She will know your desire over time to do good to her. Oh, and don't worry about running out of ideas. The more you write notes to her, the more the ideas will come.

What You Don't Want to Do

Tell your spouse what you don't want to do to him or her.

I got this idea from a man who was telling a story about how he had said a really mean thing to his wife a couple days prior. It really hurt her. At some point after the incident, he had to leave to go to work or run and errand. The silence was awkward and hurtful. It isn't that he wanted to continue to hurt her with silence, but shame had crept in and so he withdrew.

At some point during his drive, something changed in his heart and he knew what he needed - even wanted - to do. He called her up on his cell phone and said, "Wife, I don't want to do that. That's not want I want to do to you."

I'm pretty certain that he drove home later to a woman who was willing to enter and engage with him because he had provided her with the safety of a repentant heart that had a real desire to do good to her and willing to admit when he hadn't.

I have kept this story and this statement of his in my mind. I tell my wife often about the things I don't want to do to her - sometimes after the fact but sometimes even before they happen, as a way to actually prevent them from happening when I am tempted to do so. This is one way to create a sense of safety in a relationship.

Tell them what you don't want to do.

Eye Contact

Make eye-contact with your husband or wife.  Period.

Eye contact is so difficult because eye-contact requires grace.  It requires grace on the part of the receiver and the giver.  See, eye-contact is one of the most vulnerable things we could ever embark upon with our spouse because in the eyes we feel either accepance or rejection.  Shame tells us we can't look into our spouse's eyes because of what we've done, what they've accused us of doing, or what they would leave us for if they really knew what was going on inside our heads.  Judgment tells us the person making eye-contact with us doesn't deserve our returned eyes, our willing hearts, or open ears.

But this is what I want to say to you. 

Make eye-contact with your husband or wife.  Period.

Eye-contact is a place where we get to truly extend the gospel to another human being.  In eye-contact, I refuse to hold my sin or another person's sin between us.  I refuse to hold their imperfections or my imperfections and inabilities between us.  With our spouse, eye-contact is one feature of the relationship that promotes deeper emotional intimacy.

This is where we have to make a separation between the difficulties in the relationship and the value or worth of the other person.  When I make eye-contact, when I place my hand on her cheek, arm, or shoulder, I tell her or him, "You have value.  Independent of all the misunderstandings, contradictory desires, selfish actions, or feelings hurt, I will make eye-contact with you and make physical contact with you because I know you are good, that God has made you in his own image, and that you have much to offer  the world.  I may not feel that way right now, but I'm going to separate the two.  I'm looking into your eyes because you deserve it based upon your God given value.  I'm looking through all sin and shame to see the inner-core of who you are." 

And it is with a heart that contains these types of sentiments that we reveal God to the other person.  They begin to have a connection to Him through how we view them.  What occurs in these instances are so powerful because as our spouse sees God through us, it is directly through us that this happens.  It is sort of like we're a power line and the current has just run through us.  This current or surge of energy we feel is a deep type of joy or gratitude and our own connection with God and the other person.  Now I'm not saying its always as epic as what I've just portrayed - but sometimes it is.

There are times that I have a hard time looking into my wife's eyes.  Just this morning, in fact, I felt insecure about something I had done and thought she might be angry with me.  But, I went to her.  I refused to hide.  I went to her, made eye-contact, and I shared it with her.  She, in turn, was able to enter into the issue with me, clarify, endorse, and we were able to walk into the morning together.

Eye-contact is scary at first, but in time, if you offer your eyes to your spouse, you begin to offer your very being to them, and you begin to slowly walk out of the hiddenness of your heart - the deep fears you are afraid to share with your partner. 

Over time, eye-contact becomes addictive.  I love to make eye-contact with my wife.  You know how you can look at a baby for hours and hours at a time?  How can we do that with a baby and not with an adult?  It's because shame has been introduced into all of our relationships and it takes looking straight through that shame into the person's God given soul in order to make eye-contact.  With a baby, there is no shame.  Eye-contact can last for prolonged periods of time.  But, in a grace-based marriage relationship, just like with an innocent baby, we can begin to practice looking at each other without shame, forgiving all sin, and treating the other person as Christ would treat them.  Without shame.  Without judgment.  Even if we feel shame about ourselves or have contempt towards the other person (in the dark side of our soul) we choose to take a chance and treat them with the part of our selves that wants to treat them with purity and hope.

We make eye-contact.

More Than Encouragement

If your husband or wife loves to play sports then find every way you can to get them out there playing their favorite sport. Writing - same thing. Serving the poor - same thing. Painting, acting, alone time for walks in the morning, cooking creatively, training dogs competitively. Whatever it is - deliberately get them out there to do what they love. Create space in your schedule, watch the kids, set aside money - do these things directly in open conversation. Don't just show a general sense of interest. Get active. Do it simply to do good to them. The stories to be told in such relationships are powerful and beautiful.

Community Based Weddings

My wife and I married each other four days ago, surrounded by family and friends, taking in every bit of it, on a peaceful, cool, late summer evening in Prescott Valley.  The honeymoon has taken place in Oak Creek Canyon and Flagstaff, and we are now rounding up the last, playful, financially carefree evening before rolling back down the hill to our Phoenix home.

There is something I want to tell you about our wedding.  Primarily, the wedding was born through a mixture of creativity, initiated among the dreams of my wife and God himself, culminating in a crisp, peaceful, early evening wedding.  Secondly, the wedding and honeymoon were produced through a collective outpouring of family, friends, church community, and even friends of friends.  

Our community delivered a cornucopia of talents, abilities, service, financial contributions, and guidance that culminated in a wedding we could not have construed on our own.  The financial aspect alone expresses our fortune due to services rendered by family, friends, and even friends of friends, the value of the wedding likely ten to twenty-thousand dollars higher than our budget.  Here are some of the flat-out pro bono services:  The venue was free.  The photography was free.  The sound equipment was free.  The musicians and singers were free.  The food was free.  The set-up was free.  These are just to mention a few.  In addition, people sacrificed their entire day to help set everything up, some experiencing dehydration and exhaustion.  Oh, and the wind kept busting lights and luminaries until the Lord told the winds to be still just prior to the wedding.

I simultaneously experience gratitude and sorrow as I reflect upon the fact that the cost of the average wedding puts so many engaged couples into debt even prior to being married.  Our silent culture of isolation, lacking clusters of networks of grace-giving communities, forces engaged couples to go-it-alone in their preparations.  Yet, the love of God is expressed in this - when we risk entering community and all of the hurt and pain that may ensue, we create a situation in which it is God's desire for us to experience their hearts as they help us.

The story of our wedding is a story about a divine interplay of the creator, community, and gratitude.  Our story prior to marriage already contains difficulties, and our marriage will contain even more difficulties and pain, yet the value and magnificence of the story is about faith, hope, and love which trump everything.  The story we write with God, the connection we feel to God in the midst of it, this kind of joy we experienced in the midst of the community that surrounded us.

Labyrinths Untangled

I desire you Lord

More than words can confess

Joy wells up in my soul

I can’t recount such a process

If I attempted to locate

Those deep rivers and powers inside

I’d be lost among the labyrinths

Those You’ve untangled and reconciled

To define such elusive mystery

Translates pride into utter travesty

On that day You dwelled in me

Forces trembled throughout eternity

You told me my name

And told us our name

You took on the enemy

And remove our shame

The Lord is a warrior

Fighting for us through the ages

The Lord is a warrior

Turning us into wise old sages

Melody Beattie on Letting Go

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care.  Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.  Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.  It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.  It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means taking care of ourselves.  And we do this in gentleness, kindness, and love, as much as possible. ~Melody Beattie

The Worst Form of Murder

I believe that self-protection is the worst form of murder.

• Isolation
• Aggression
• Manipulation
• Unwillingness to be wrong
• Unwillingness to be right
• Silence
• Wearing a mask that says "everything is okay"
• Avoidance 
• Abuse
• Perpetual analysis
• Being extremely "clingy"
• Being passive
• Lack of repentance 
• A lack of boundaries
• Too many boundaries that amount to walls
• Giving in all the time
• Never giving in
• Comparing one to another
• Critical spirit
• A constant desire for control
• An unwillingness to hear the other person's heart
• An unwillingness to forgive
• Rarely listening (ignoring or thinking about what to say next instead of listening)
• Rarely speaking up
• Complaining all the time
• Being on guard all the time

There are so many others, but these are big ones.  In each of these forms of self-protection, we raise up an invisible wall that prevents intimacy.  A marriage, family, or friendship that exists under any or a number of these types of self-protection turns into an utter and unwarranted type of loneliness over time.

This type of loneliness is a kind of death.  I believe it is the worst form of murder because it is so deceptive.  The perpetrator hasn't physically killed another, but he or she has emotionally murdered the other.  It is so subtle, but it is so devastating.  Sometimes the perpetrator and/or victim aren't even aware of doing these things and sometimes they are.  Often the perpetrator and the victim are interchangeable and harm one another.  No matter the pattern, these forms of self-protection essentially turn perpetrators and victims into a walking dead persons.

Mark Twain on Right Conduct

Laws control the lesser man. Right conduct controls the greater one. - Mark Twain

Doing Good
This quote from Twain reminds me of a change that occurred in my heart last year. When I started dating my fiancee, I asked God to help me to have a desire to do good to her.  This was different from my previous ways of thinking. I mainly used to try to keep away from bad stuff and try to do good stuff in order to make sure that no one was angry with me. That's what it means to "follow the law" as Twain speaks of.  But with my fiancee, something had changed. I asked God to help me to do good, simply for the sake of doing good.  Not to keep her happy, but to do good to her.  This is what Twain means by "right conduct".  I call it "doing-good".  Doing good simply to do good to your spouse or others is a change in mindset that can restore a marriage or keep a good marriage healthy.

Nice Guys and Bad Asses: The Search for Caring yet Effective Men
One point of clarification: doing good to someone doesn't mean they are always happy with you, especially in the short term. Nice guys finish last because they are ineffective, not because they are nice. Unfortunately, many women fall for bad asses, not because they truly want a bad ass, but because they are looking for men who are effective at loving them. Overly nice guys are ineffective yet caring.  Bad asses are effective, yet uncompassionate.  Men, what they are looking for is someone who is compassionate, yet effective. You need to stand your ground in your love. Giving in to what someone else wants isn't always the best way to love. Doing good is. Somehow, there is a balance between standing our ground by being our true selves and yet at the same time learning how to give up control and enter things we feel uncomfortable with at times. This interplay of holding boundaries at times and expanding them at times is messy and scary, but it is a road worth going down.  Doing-good requires both.  A man who does so is a caring, yet effective.

Results
I believe right-conduct or doing-good starts at the core with our spouse or partner, but it goes beyond that relationship into our lives with others and the community at large. We don't need the law to keep us in line. We want to do good to others simply for the sake of doing good to others. I actually have felt more close to God than ever before because I think that in doing-good for no other motivation than to do good is sort of what it is like to be God.  Thus, I believe He has helped me to identify more with Him as He has awakened me to emulating Him. 

Richard Gere on Bravery

I don't think that bravery is about skin. Bravery is about a willingness to show emotional need. - Richard Gere


This quotation is threatening to most men, and of course to a lot of women.  But, for men, to show emotional need is to allow someone to enter, which is scary because it is so vulnerable.  Admitting emotional need and allowing another to help meet that need means they might be able to harm you.  There is a willingness to give up control in order to risk love.  It is utterly scary.  This is exactly why it is called bravery.

Pema Chodron has a quote which I love.  It says, "Compassion is learning to relax and moving towards what scares us."  For men, allowing another person to come into contract with our emotions is terrifying.  We have a hard time relaxing.  To those of you who are women, my advice is to ask permission before offering to meet a man's emotional need.  Slowly, they might permit you to help and they will be imperfect at it even if they try.  But, permission is the key.

Story Elevates Success and Comfort

We all suffer and experience loss but at times during our suffering and loss, we experience success and comfort.  The person who is good at success and comfort is also the kind of person who recognizes the deeper story in the middle of it. This person is probably a good suffer as well. 

Upon their success or comfort they ask themselves: Did I see the deeper story?  Did I see the small and large acts of courage and love that happened in the middle of it?  Did I see courage and love and beauty and heart? When they choose to ask these quesitons and enter the deeper story, they experience feelings of gratitude and joy.

We embrace success, comfort, blessing, and honor well when we fully accept them and see the story for what it is.  C.S. Lewis explains this well when he talks about how a great architect can look at his or her own work and say "Wow!  This building and its design are awesome!"  The success itself isn't the ultimate goal.  It is the story behind the success or the enjoyment of a comfort earned or unearned that speaks of glory and grandeur. 

In this, success and comfort point to the divine and sucess and comfort are connected to intimacy rather than vanity and idolatry.  Success, comfort, suffering, and pain are connected when we realize that the deeper theme of story and where that story leads are more powerful and beauty than the success and suffering themselves.  It is always a way in which we are pointed to intimacy and the divine.

Story Trumps Everything

One thing I've recently become aware of is how story trumps everything. Story trumps success. Story trumps suffering. Story trumps comfort. Story trumps desired outcome. Story trumps loss.

What do I mean by this?

99% of us suffer and experience a tremendous amount of loss during our lifetimes. There aren't that many people who live with an easy spouse, wonderful children, experience very few losses, and then die peacefully in their sleep. Most of us experience health problems, lack of financial resources, children who go astray, untimely deaths in the family, loss of freedom,  the betrayal of a family member or friend, and die a somewhat drawn out and uncomfortable death.

Inside of these stories, however, lie the potential for love, compassion, and heroicism. Those who suffer well (since almost all suffer) ask God to help them find these themes in the middle of sorrow and pain. The good sufferer also chooses to enter community with his or her suffering instead of choosing to isolate out of shame and self pity. Love, compassion, and heroicism can only be experienced in community.

The courageous story of the sufferer is when they risk bringing their suffering into community. The courageous story of the community is when those in it risk loving the sufferer. These are the sorts of stories that trump all suffering and even all success. The good sufferer stays in the mix of never running from how much they hurt and never running away from the community which can meet them in their suffering. These sorts of stories bring some of the deepest feelings of intimacy and deepest connections with God that will ever exist. Our ship may have gone down and been senseless and untimely, but when it went down, there was a story and that story is the one that God and the heavens, and our future selves will know of and be told of.

Whether or not we succeed or fail, whether we live or die, and whether or not we experience justice or injustice is always penultimate. The ultimate or highest point is whether or not we live out the deeper story and the deeper themes of love, compassion, and heroicism.

The good sufferer honestly loathes suffering and embraces the power and beauty of the story all at the same time.  The good sufferer does it well and does it poorly and it is never done correctly.  They simply choose to enter instead of running away or harming self or others.  The good sufferer goes through grief and the story becomes powerful.  This story is what is told to the angels.  It is courageous and they know it.  The sufferer knows it and it evokes deep feelings of intimacy and connectedness with God and others.

Messed Up Repentance

Here are words and phrases that make me cringe when I hear the word "repentance".

*refrain
*more commitment
*I "repented" of that sin
*turn away from sin
*I need to learn to control my emotions and repent of my anger
*I shouldn't be thinking this way
*I gotta stop being so selfish

Oh, how I wish we could get our stupid little Christian ears to listen to the non-religious once in a while. I mean seriously. What does the word repentance mean anyway? To be honest, I had never even heard the term until I entered Christian religious circles. And don't tell me that the word repentance is in the Bible and that it isn't just a word based on culture. Yes, I know that it is in the Bible and I know that it means something along the lines of turning around. But, what I'm talking about here is the way in which it is often interpreted by us as religious persons.

I've heard somewhere that we make the mistake of backing up away from hell one step at a time instead of turning around and running towards heaven. To me, this is the essence of repentance.

However, this is where it gets tricky. The temptation is to beat ourselves up because we don't think that we are capable, deserving, or desirous of such actions. To run towards heaven and all that is good seems daunting and downright impossible.

But this is true repentance. First, we acknowledge that we are incapable of doing anything about our sin. We are incapable of backing away from hell. This idea I borrow directly from Bill Thrall. But, I think repentance goes further than this. I believe true repentance says that there is nothing we can do about our sin, AND that we have a desire to do good to others and to run to heaven.

Whoa. Wait a minute. What in the world does that mean? How can I simultaneously have both? The answer is that those who bear the Holy Spirit also bear God's very desires to do good to those around us. His heart lives inside us and we carry His heart. Repentance means we acknowledge that we carry these desires inside us but that we have no ability to carry them out. We simultaneously carry the desire to walk away from hell and run towards heaven, yet at the same time we simultaneously have the inability to back away from hell or run to heaven.

Yet, the desire is there.

This is where I want to point out something I believe is very crucial. I can't skip desire. I can't go to God in prayer and tell Him, "God, I desire to do good to my wife/supervisor/friend. Help me to love them more." We must step back even further in repentance.

We say, "God, where is my desire? I can't find it. God, please help me find this desire. I don't even know if its true that I have this desire. God, if you don't help me find this desire, then I am lost. I am going to hang on You on this one. Dear God, please help me find this desire. Where is it?" This question is really the next step in repentance after we've already admitted there's nothing we can do about our sin. Once we start by asking God to help us find our desire to do good, then we have already acknowledged that He put it there in the first place, apart from us. This is repentance. This is humility. This is a humble character. This turns our hearts into things that can fight for our spouses, loved ones, friends, and yea - even our enemies.

Thus, here are words or phrases I like that are associated with repentance:

*admission
*open hands
*taking a chance on God's protection
*admitting desire might be inside us
*asking to find that desire
*risking desire
*asking God to help us move towards our desire to do good
*trying to do good and seeing what happens

In repentance, we admit we can do nothing about our sin and we ask God to help us find our desire to do good to others and to ourselves. Once we catch a glimpse of the desire He has put into us, it is like a little bit of yeast that works itself through the whole dough; it is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of seeds, but one that grows into a large tree that shelters us from the sun; it is like a wellspring of water that wells up into eternal life; it is as if God lives inside us.

Hmm. Maybe He does.

Now that is powerful.

Grief vs. Condemnation

What happens when we name our emotions and name our desires, but our partner never seems to respond?

(BTW - I recommend reading the two blog entries before this one because this is the third in a series on naming emotions, naming desire, and entering faith and grief.)

First of all, we don't give up. All the data may point to the irrifutable conclusion that they will never change. But we have God.

I'm serious about this point. I'm not throwing out religious BS here. I am a man of such little faith, but time and time again I meet people who have stories which tell me God is true. These are stories of adultery, brokenness, forgiveness, and restoration. These are stories of passivity or aggressiveness that lead to distancing and isolation, but then have turned back towards mutual sadness, grief, forgiveness, and moving back towards one another. These are stories of all sorts of harm, brokenness, forgiveness, and the slow process of learning to trust again.

If it weren't for these stories, then I'd be shoveling a bunch of religious BS. But, I'm not.

Second, we become willing to enter grief and ask God to help us move away from condemnation and into that grief. Somewhere in grief, as opposed to condemnation, lies deep sorrow, pain, and anger - but somehow there is also peace, thankfulness, and joy. I don't know how it works, but I know I have seen it. I have seen the face of those who have entered grief and forgiveness willingly and come out on the other side with a deep, broken, thankful, open, and yes - even a heart that is capable of enjoying life in amazing ways.

So that's it. Somehow grief is where we must go when our desires are not met - either in the short term or in the long term. The loss is always there, but somehow much is gained that couldn't occur outside of staying with and going through our grief.

Naming Our Desires

We name our desires in the same way as we name our emotions.

(Note - I recommend reading the blog entry before this one because this is the second in a series on naming emotions, naming desire, and entering faith and grief.)

Fighting: All you ever do is spend money frivilously. You are wreckless and we aren't going to be able to buy a home because you keep buying stereo systems for your car or playing golf at private courses on the weekend.
Naming: I feel afraid. I feel insecure. I feel unsafe.

Naming our feelings already points to our desires, but we also need to move into conversations in which we name our desires without laying down our demands.

Demand: You need to stop spending all this money. You don't care about me or your children. We need a home and we're stuck in this apartment because of you. Don't you care about our future?

Desire: I don't want to try to take away the things that help you to relax like upgrading your car or playing golf, but I also have my own desires to have a home in a house we can call our own with a yard I can decorate and have for the children to play in. Could we talk about setting aside a certain amount of money each month to save up for a down payment, but also talk about setting aside a certain amount of money for you and the things you like to do to relax? Then, we can move towards both desires.

Now this is sort of a cookie-cutter conversation and things are much more messy than this sometimes, but the difference is that the person has named their desire without making demands. It is direct, goal orientated, is achievable, and isn't pointing the finger at the other person or trying to take something away from them.

In this way, the desire has been named. Now let the other person sit with it and digest it. This is what I belief is the difference between demand and desire. When we name desire, we name it and then we let the other person wrestle with it. We let them sit with it. We let them digest it. We don't know what they will do with it, but we have given up trying to manipulate them into doing it. It is utterly terrifying. In fact, they might refuse immediately. But, maybe they might wrestle with it and open up to it over time, even with their own desire to do good to you instead of simply trying to keep you happy. We don't know what they will do with it until we try. When we try, it is called bravery.

So, this is what I mean by naming desire vs. fighting/demanding.

How to Stop the Fighting

Okay. I'm going out on a limb here. I believe that what I'm about to say is correct, but it probably isn't the full answer. Nevertheless, I proceed. Here is a principle I believe worth considering.

When someone, such as your spouse, hurts you - name your feelings. Then leave space for them to digest.

I'm not saying that the conversation ends here; in fact, it is where the conversation begins. What I mean is that when we name our feelings, we name who we are and how we have been affected.

We don't run away. We don't get defensive. We don't try to correct the other person or try to get them to understand why they are wrong and we are right. We don't do any of that. We simply name our feelings. Our feelings themselves name the hurt and point towards our desire.

Here are some examples:

Fighting: All you ever do is spend money frivilously. You are wreckless and we aren't going to be able to buy a home because you keep buying stereo systems for your car or playing golf at private courses on the weekend.
Naming: I feel afraid. I feel insecure. I feel unsafe.

Fighting: You're never home. Don't you care about me? Do you love me or do you love your job?
Naming: I miss you.

Fighting: Stop trying to control me. I know how to fix the sink and if I don't know how to then I'll figure it out. Stop trying to micromanage me.
Naming: I feel unbelieved in.

Fighting: You don't care about our son. You never go to his baseball games because you're working "overtime" on another project. You aren't involved in his life. You are a horrible father.
Naming: I feel lonely. I feel isolated. I feel unsupported. I feel empty.

When we start from our feelings, then our partner has the opportunity to experience who we are and might be more open to our desires. They have opporunity to digest our feelings and experience how they have harmed us. In addition, I believe it gives the partner the opportunity and space to develop real desire to move towards us. A person who sits with our feelings of missing them, of feeling insecure, afraid, controlled, unsupported, empty, or unbelieved in, in due time may be more open to doing things to demonstrate security, support, involvement, and belief in us. This is because when we name our feelings and who we are, it isn't inherently offensive or demanding. When our partner doesn't feel our demands, then they are more open to listening to our desires. In fact, I believe that naming our feelings instead of going on the offensive disarms both us and our partner and our desires are more able to be expressed and received.

Initially, the other party might feel like we've gone on the offensive, but if we give them the space to digest our emotions, then they might begin to entertain the ways in which they can move towards us and enter these sorts of conversations with us. A desire might grow inside them to come home, let us fix the sink imperfectly, attend our son's baseball game with us, and work with us to put money towards a down payment on a home over time.

But...

If we fight, their desire will never change. If we name our emotions and who we are, then I believe it is more possible that they might move towards us and touch our desires.

Two Good Forgivers

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." - Robert Quillen


When I look at this quote, I realize two things. First, two good forgivers means that there is actually the sin of harming one another that takes place. This magnifies the level of what is taking place. A forgiver doesn't minimize the harm that has been done to them. It is quite the opposite. Don't avoid. Don't harm back. Don't try to manipulate. Forgiveness is the direct act of engaging the harm that has been committed. Second, in two forgivers, I see that the value of the one who has harmed us is also elevated. We engage the offender because we see a high value in them. We choose not to hold the offense against them and so then we are able to address the offense directly. Thus, both the harm by the offender and the value of the offender are highly elevated. If both spouses choose to enter into this process, then I believe true intimacy is very possible.

More Powerful Than Any Screenplay Ever Written

Take a look at this video by Switchfoot.  They sing about children from England who are whisked away into the magical land of Narnia where they find their true home and their true selves.  When we watch these sorts of stories, we feel connected to something that we yearn for as well.  We yearn to find our true home and our true self - the dramatic, larger-than-life sorts of people we were meant to be. 

Once I realized that each moment in real life is more dramatic than any movie, play, or novel ever written, I finally realized that reality was worth engaging. So often we wonder if anyone notices the lives we lead, but I believe God travels great distances to gather angels who long to see our stories unfold. I believe He is like a director or writer who wants to show off His cast and characters.

Every time we choose to have an uncomfortable conversation with a spouse, an extended family member, or a friend, we enter the dramtic themes of the heavens.  These sorts of uncomfortable conversations include the following: admiting wrongdoing and asking forgiveness, addressing a wrong done to us, sharing with someone about how they made us feel uncomfortable, speaking words of affirmation and love which can feel so weird, setting a boundary as needed, sometimes extending a boundary, asking for help, or frankly any sort of way in which we move towards others emotionally, relationally, or intimately.  These are all situations in which we have to choose to move towards things that feel scary or at least uncomfortable.

When we move towards each other in these ways, we break all sorts of unwritten rules which try to convince us that we shouldn't take such risks.  This is called shame.  I love the Chronicles of Narnia, but every time we risk esposure, vulnerability, and potential harm, we enter something deeper and more powerful than the land of Narnia.  We enter the kingdom of God.  The stories of our lives are being viewed by the heavens themselves.  When we choose to lead sorts of lives, we finally connect with these Switchfoot lyrics and think to ourselves, "maybe this is home".

At least for now.

My Name Into You

You are one who carries the weight of God
I told you last summer in the coffee shop
You wrote with tears of joy the one thing I wanted you to know
That you are the one who carries the weight of God

Like a battleship rolling into a harbor
The waves of your wake turn over small boats and move mountains
Could you ever wonder how I move the world
Except through you and others like you?

One day, no one will ever contend with you again
The weight of wars fought and women rescued lies in your heart
It is unlike anything the world has ever known
See My heart written in the story of your life

You desire to do good
It is from Me
You carry emotions that level the Earth
It is from Me
You wash others clean with the stroke of forgiveness
It is from Me

Did you know that your mouth is an oracle of God?
Did you know that I sing your praises?
I put my trust in you and you trust me a little more each day
I announce your name to a congregation before Me

Faraway angels travel to see your story unfold
Like a grand opera sung in front of high officials
Your name precedes you in everything you do
Heaven knows the sorts of battles you’ve fought

You desire to do good
It is from Me
You carry emotions that level the Earth
It is from Me
You wash others clean with the stroke of forgiveness
It is from Me

Dear God
How could I ever have known
The types of desires you have for me
To move me and to move others?

Like a battleship rolling into a harbor
I feel the effects of your power within me
Turning small boats over and leveling mountains
I am unable to comprehend the battles in heaven

I desire to do good
It is from You
I carry emotions that level the earth
It is from You
I wash others clean with the stroke of forgiveness
It is from You

May I never leave this place
To stand next to you is to feel the warmth of your face