Naming Our Desires

We name our desires in the same way as we name our emotions.

(Note - I recommend reading the blog entry before this one because this is the second in a series on naming emotions, naming desire, and entering faith and grief.)

Fighting: All you ever do is spend money frivilously. You are wreckless and we aren't going to be able to buy a home because you keep buying stereo systems for your car or playing golf at private courses on the weekend.
Naming: I feel afraid. I feel insecure. I feel unsafe.

Naming our feelings already points to our desires, but we also need to move into conversations in which we name our desires without laying down our demands.

Demand: You need to stop spending all this money. You don't care about me or your children. We need a home and we're stuck in this apartment because of you. Don't you care about our future?

Desire: I don't want to try to take away the things that help you to relax like upgrading your car or playing golf, but I also have my own desires to have a home in a house we can call our own with a yard I can decorate and have for the children to play in. Could we talk about setting aside a certain amount of money each month to save up for a down payment, but also talk about setting aside a certain amount of money for you and the things you like to do to relax? Then, we can move towards both desires.

Now this is sort of a cookie-cutter conversation and things are much more messy than this sometimes, but the difference is that the person has named their desire without making demands. It is direct, goal orientated, is achievable, and isn't pointing the finger at the other person or trying to take something away from them.

In this way, the desire has been named. Now let the other person sit with it and digest it. This is what I belief is the difference between demand and desire. When we name desire, we name it and then we let the other person wrestle with it. We let them sit with it. We let them digest it. We don't know what they will do with it, but we have given up trying to manipulate them into doing it. It is utterly terrifying. In fact, they might refuse immediately. But, maybe they might wrestle with it and open up to it over time, even with their own desire to do good to you instead of simply trying to keep you happy. We don't know what they will do with it until we try. When we try, it is called bravery.

So, this is what I mean by naming desire vs. fighting/demanding.