Story Elevates Success and Comfort

We all suffer and experience loss but at times during our suffering and loss, we experience success and comfort.  The person who is good at success and comfort is also the kind of person who recognizes the deeper story in the middle of it. This person is probably a good suffer as well. 

Upon their success or comfort they ask themselves: Did I see the deeper story?  Did I see the small and large acts of courage and love that happened in the middle of it?  Did I see courage and love and beauty and heart? When they choose to ask these quesitons and enter the deeper story, they experience feelings of gratitude and joy.

We embrace success, comfort, blessing, and honor well when we fully accept them and see the story for what it is.  C.S. Lewis explains this well when he talks about how a great architect can look at his or her own work and say "Wow!  This building and its design are awesome!"  The success itself isn't the ultimate goal.  It is the story behind the success or the enjoyment of a comfort earned or unearned that speaks of glory and grandeur. 

In this, success and comfort point to the divine and sucess and comfort are connected to intimacy rather than vanity and idolatry.  Success, comfort, suffering, and pain are connected when we realize that the deeper theme of story and where that story leads are more powerful and beauty than the success and suffering themselves.  It is always a way in which we are pointed to intimacy and the divine.

Story Trumps Everything

One thing I've recently become aware of is how story trumps everything. Story trumps success. Story trumps suffering. Story trumps comfort. Story trumps desired outcome. Story trumps loss.

What do I mean by this?

99% of us suffer and experience a tremendous amount of loss during our lifetimes. There aren't that many people who live with an easy spouse, wonderful children, experience very few losses, and then die peacefully in their sleep. Most of us experience health problems, lack of financial resources, children who go astray, untimely deaths in the family, loss of freedom,  the betrayal of a family member or friend, and die a somewhat drawn out and uncomfortable death.

Inside of these stories, however, lie the potential for love, compassion, and heroicism. Those who suffer well (since almost all suffer) ask God to help them find these themes in the middle of sorrow and pain. The good sufferer also chooses to enter community with his or her suffering instead of choosing to isolate out of shame and self pity. Love, compassion, and heroicism can only be experienced in community.

The courageous story of the sufferer is when they risk bringing their suffering into community. The courageous story of the community is when those in it risk loving the sufferer. These are the sorts of stories that trump all suffering and even all success. The good sufferer stays in the mix of never running from how much they hurt and never running away from the community which can meet them in their suffering. These sorts of stories bring some of the deepest feelings of intimacy and deepest connections with God that will ever exist. Our ship may have gone down and been senseless and untimely, but when it went down, there was a story and that story is the one that God and the heavens, and our future selves will know of and be told of.

Whether or not we succeed or fail, whether we live or die, and whether or not we experience justice or injustice is always penultimate. The ultimate or highest point is whether or not we live out the deeper story and the deeper themes of love, compassion, and heroicism.

The good sufferer honestly loathes suffering and embraces the power and beauty of the story all at the same time.  The good sufferer does it well and does it poorly and it is never done correctly.  They simply choose to enter instead of running away or harming self or others.  The good sufferer goes through grief and the story becomes powerful.  This story is what is told to the angels.  It is courageous and they know it.  The sufferer knows it and it evokes deep feelings of intimacy and connectedness with God and others.

Messed Up Repentance

Here are words and phrases that make me cringe when I hear the word "repentance".

*refrain
*more commitment
*I "repented" of that sin
*turn away from sin
*I need to learn to control my emotions and repent of my anger
*I shouldn't be thinking this way
*I gotta stop being so selfish

Oh, how I wish we could get our stupid little Christian ears to listen to the non-religious once in a while. I mean seriously. What does the word repentance mean anyway? To be honest, I had never even heard the term until I entered Christian religious circles. And don't tell me that the word repentance is in the Bible and that it isn't just a word based on culture. Yes, I know that it is in the Bible and I know that it means something along the lines of turning around. But, what I'm talking about here is the way in which it is often interpreted by us as religious persons.

I've heard somewhere that we make the mistake of backing up away from hell one step at a time instead of turning around and running towards heaven. To me, this is the essence of repentance.

However, this is where it gets tricky. The temptation is to beat ourselves up because we don't think that we are capable, deserving, or desirous of such actions. To run towards heaven and all that is good seems daunting and downright impossible.

But this is true repentance. First, we acknowledge that we are incapable of doing anything about our sin. We are incapable of backing away from hell. This idea I borrow directly from Bill Thrall. But, I think repentance goes further than this. I believe true repentance says that there is nothing we can do about our sin, AND that we have a desire to do good to others and to run to heaven.

Whoa. Wait a minute. What in the world does that mean? How can I simultaneously have both? The answer is that those who bear the Holy Spirit also bear God's very desires to do good to those around us. His heart lives inside us and we carry His heart. Repentance means we acknowledge that we carry these desires inside us but that we have no ability to carry them out. We simultaneously carry the desire to walk away from hell and run towards heaven, yet at the same time we simultaneously have the inability to back away from hell or run to heaven.

Yet, the desire is there.

This is where I want to point out something I believe is very crucial. I can't skip desire. I can't go to God in prayer and tell Him, "God, I desire to do good to my wife/supervisor/friend. Help me to love them more." We must step back even further in repentance.

We say, "God, where is my desire? I can't find it. God, please help me find this desire. I don't even know if its true that I have this desire. God, if you don't help me find this desire, then I am lost. I am going to hang on You on this one. Dear God, please help me find this desire. Where is it?" This question is really the next step in repentance after we've already admitted there's nothing we can do about our sin. Once we start by asking God to help us find our desire to do good, then we have already acknowledged that He put it there in the first place, apart from us. This is repentance. This is humility. This is a humble character. This turns our hearts into things that can fight for our spouses, loved ones, friends, and yea - even our enemies.

Thus, here are words or phrases I like that are associated with repentance:

*admission
*open hands
*taking a chance on God's protection
*admitting desire might be inside us
*asking to find that desire
*risking desire
*asking God to help us move towards our desire to do good
*trying to do good and seeing what happens

In repentance, we admit we can do nothing about our sin and we ask God to help us find our desire to do good to others and to ourselves. Once we catch a glimpse of the desire He has put into us, it is like a little bit of yeast that works itself through the whole dough; it is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of seeds, but one that grows into a large tree that shelters us from the sun; it is like a wellspring of water that wells up into eternal life; it is as if God lives inside us.

Hmm. Maybe He does.

Now that is powerful.

Grief vs. Condemnation

What happens when we name our emotions and name our desires, but our partner never seems to respond?

(BTW - I recommend reading the two blog entries before this one because this is the third in a series on naming emotions, naming desire, and entering faith and grief.)

First of all, we don't give up. All the data may point to the irrifutable conclusion that they will never change. But we have God.

I'm serious about this point. I'm not throwing out religious BS here. I am a man of such little faith, but time and time again I meet people who have stories which tell me God is true. These are stories of adultery, brokenness, forgiveness, and restoration. These are stories of passivity or aggressiveness that lead to distancing and isolation, but then have turned back towards mutual sadness, grief, forgiveness, and moving back towards one another. These are stories of all sorts of harm, brokenness, forgiveness, and the slow process of learning to trust again.

If it weren't for these stories, then I'd be shoveling a bunch of religious BS. But, I'm not.

Second, we become willing to enter grief and ask God to help us move away from condemnation and into that grief. Somewhere in grief, as opposed to condemnation, lies deep sorrow, pain, and anger - but somehow there is also peace, thankfulness, and joy. I don't know how it works, but I know I have seen it. I have seen the face of those who have entered grief and forgiveness willingly and come out on the other side with a deep, broken, thankful, open, and yes - even a heart that is capable of enjoying life in amazing ways.

So that's it. Somehow grief is where we must go when our desires are not met - either in the short term or in the long term. The loss is always there, but somehow much is gained that couldn't occur outside of staying with and going through our grief.

Naming Our Desires

We name our desires in the same way as we name our emotions.

(Note - I recommend reading the blog entry before this one because this is the second in a series on naming emotions, naming desire, and entering faith and grief.)

Fighting: All you ever do is spend money frivilously. You are wreckless and we aren't going to be able to buy a home because you keep buying stereo systems for your car or playing golf at private courses on the weekend.
Naming: I feel afraid. I feel insecure. I feel unsafe.

Naming our feelings already points to our desires, but we also need to move into conversations in which we name our desires without laying down our demands.

Demand: You need to stop spending all this money. You don't care about me or your children. We need a home and we're stuck in this apartment because of you. Don't you care about our future?

Desire: I don't want to try to take away the things that help you to relax like upgrading your car or playing golf, but I also have my own desires to have a home in a house we can call our own with a yard I can decorate and have for the children to play in. Could we talk about setting aside a certain amount of money each month to save up for a down payment, but also talk about setting aside a certain amount of money for you and the things you like to do to relax? Then, we can move towards both desires.

Now this is sort of a cookie-cutter conversation and things are much more messy than this sometimes, but the difference is that the person has named their desire without making demands. It is direct, goal orientated, is achievable, and isn't pointing the finger at the other person or trying to take something away from them.

In this way, the desire has been named. Now let the other person sit with it and digest it. This is what I belief is the difference between demand and desire. When we name desire, we name it and then we let the other person wrestle with it. We let them sit with it. We let them digest it. We don't know what they will do with it, but we have given up trying to manipulate them into doing it. It is utterly terrifying. In fact, they might refuse immediately. But, maybe they might wrestle with it and open up to it over time, even with their own desire to do good to you instead of simply trying to keep you happy. We don't know what they will do with it until we try. When we try, it is called bravery.

So, this is what I mean by naming desire vs. fighting/demanding.

How to Stop the Fighting

Okay. I'm going out on a limb here. I believe that what I'm about to say is correct, but it probably isn't the full answer. Nevertheless, I proceed. Here is a principle I believe worth considering.

When someone, such as your spouse, hurts you - name your feelings. Then leave space for them to digest.

I'm not saying that the conversation ends here; in fact, it is where the conversation begins. What I mean is that when we name our feelings, we name who we are and how we have been affected.

We don't run away. We don't get defensive. We don't try to correct the other person or try to get them to understand why they are wrong and we are right. We don't do any of that. We simply name our feelings. Our feelings themselves name the hurt and point towards our desire.

Here are some examples:

Fighting: All you ever do is spend money frivilously. You are wreckless and we aren't going to be able to buy a home because you keep buying stereo systems for your car or playing golf at private courses on the weekend.
Naming: I feel afraid. I feel insecure. I feel unsafe.

Fighting: You're never home. Don't you care about me? Do you love me or do you love your job?
Naming: I miss you.

Fighting: Stop trying to control me. I know how to fix the sink and if I don't know how to then I'll figure it out. Stop trying to micromanage me.
Naming: I feel unbelieved in.

Fighting: You don't care about our son. You never go to his baseball games because you're working "overtime" on another project. You aren't involved in his life. You are a horrible father.
Naming: I feel lonely. I feel isolated. I feel unsupported. I feel empty.

When we start from our feelings, then our partner has the opportunity to experience who we are and might be more open to our desires. They have opporunity to digest our feelings and experience how they have harmed us. In addition, I believe it gives the partner the opportunity and space to develop real desire to move towards us. A person who sits with our feelings of missing them, of feeling insecure, afraid, controlled, unsupported, empty, or unbelieved in, in due time may be more open to doing things to demonstrate security, support, involvement, and belief in us. This is because when we name our feelings and who we are, it isn't inherently offensive or demanding. When our partner doesn't feel our demands, then they are more open to listening to our desires. In fact, I believe that naming our feelings instead of going on the offensive disarms both us and our partner and our desires are more able to be expressed and received.

Initially, the other party might feel like we've gone on the offensive, but if we give them the space to digest our emotions, then they might begin to entertain the ways in which they can move towards us and enter these sorts of conversations with us. A desire might grow inside them to come home, let us fix the sink imperfectly, attend our son's baseball game with us, and work with us to put money towards a down payment on a home over time.

But...

If we fight, their desire will never change. If we name our emotions and who we are, then I believe it is more possible that they might move towards us and touch our desires.

Two Good Forgivers

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." - Robert Quillen


When I look at this quote, I realize two things. First, two good forgivers means that there is actually the sin of harming one another that takes place. This magnifies the level of what is taking place. A forgiver doesn't minimize the harm that has been done to them. It is quite the opposite. Don't avoid. Don't harm back. Don't try to manipulate. Forgiveness is the direct act of engaging the harm that has been committed. Second, in two forgivers, I see that the value of the one who has harmed us is also elevated. We engage the offender because we see a high value in them. We choose not to hold the offense against them and so then we are able to address the offense directly. Thus, both the harm by the offender and the value of the offender are highly elevated. If both spouses choose to enter into this process, then I believe true intimacy is very possible.

More Powerful Than Any Screenplay Ever Written

Take a look at this video by Switchfoot.  They sing about children from England who are whisked away into the magical land of Narnia where they find their true home and their true selves.  When we watch these sorts of stories, we feel connected to something that we yearn for as well.  We yearn to find our true home and our true self - the dramatic, larger-than-life sorts of people we were meant to be. 

Once I realized that each moment in real life is more dramatic than any movie, play, or novel ever written, I finally realized that reality was worth engaging. So often we wonder if anyone notices the lives we lead, but I believe God travels great distances to gather angels who long to see our stories unfold. I believe He is like a director or writer who wants to show off His cast and characters.

Every time we choose to have an uncomfortable conversation with a spouse, an extended family member, or a friend, we enter the dramtic themes of the heavens.  These sorts of uncomfortable conversations include the following: admiting wrongdoing and asking forgiveness, addressing a wrong done to us, sharing with someone about how they made us feel uncomfortable, speaking words of affirmation and love which can feel so weird, setting a boundary as needed, sometimes extending a boundary, asking for help, or frankly any sort of way in which we move towards others emotionally, relationally, or intimately.  These are all situations in which we have to choose to move towards things that feel scary or at least uncomfortable.

When we move towards each other in these ways, we break all sorts of unwritten rules which try to convince us that we shouldn't take such risks.  This is called shame.  I love the Chronicles of Narnia, but every time we risk esposure, vulnerability, and potential harm, we enter something deeper and more powerful than the land of Narnia.  We enter the kingdom of God.  The stories of our lives are being viewed by the heavens themselves.  When we choose to lead sorts of lives, we finally connect with these Switchfoot lyrics and think to ourselves, "maybe this is home".

At least for now.

My Name Into You

You are one who carries the weight of God
I told you last summer in the coffee shop
You wrote with tears of joy the one thing I wanted you to know
That you are the one who carries the weight of God

Like a battleship rolling into a harbor
The waves of your wake turn over small boats and move mountains
Could you ever wonder how I move the world
Except through you and others like you?

One day, no one will ever contend with you again
The weight of wars fought and women rescued lies in your heart
It is unlike anything the world has ever known
See My heart written in the story of your life

You desire to do good
It is from Me
You carry emotions that level the Earth
It is from Me
You wash others clean with the stroke of forgiveness
It is from Me

Did you know that your mouth is an oracle of God?
Did you know that I sing your praises?
I put my trust in you and you trust me a little more each day
I announce your name to a congregation before Me

Faraway angels travel to see your story unfold
Like a grand opera sung in front of high officials
Your name precedes you in everything you do
Heaven knows the sorts of battles you’ve fought

You desire to do good
It is from Me
You carry emotions that level the Earth
It is from Me
You wash others clean with the stroke of forgiveness
It is from Me

Dear God
How could I ever have known
The types of desires you have for me
To move me and to move others?

Like a battleship rolling into a harbor
I feel the effects of your power within me
Turning small boats over and leveling mountains
I am unable to comprehend the battles in heaven

I desire to do good
It is from You
I carry emotions that level the earth
It is from You
I wash others clean with the stroke of forgiveness
It is from You

May I never leave this place
To stand next to you is to feel the warmth of your face

Doing the Impossible

In the past couple years I've asked God to help me in three key ways. Two years ago, I asked Him to help me get in touch with my feelings. Last year, I asked Him to help me have a desire to do good to others. In the past several months, I have asked God to help me move towards forgiveness.

In all three cases, when I began to ask God to help me move in these areas, things have begun to change. These three things above involve courage because they involve moving towards things that terrify us. When I look back on the steps of courage I've taken in the past couple years, I am filled with an immense sense of gratitude and awe.

But here is what is very cool and thought provoking. When I look back on the man who took the courage to do these things, I am amazed. I literally think to myself, "Who is this man who did these things?" It is sort of like I look back on myself and I wonder if I'd be able to do these things again because it almost seems like some of what I've done was impossible.

And this is exactly my point - I believe I feel gratitude and awe when I look back on my former-self because what I have done was impossible. This points me to the divine.