Prioritizing the Relationship

It has been said that in marraige, we must place our spouse's needs above our own. However, I disagree with this. I believe we must place the needs of the relationship higher than our needs or those of our spouse.

Here are some ways in which we can priortize the relationship:

• Spending time together
• Serving one another
• Romancing one another
• Sacrificing time for the other individual
• Sacrificing our needs for those of the other individual or children
• Asking them, within reason, to sacrifice their time for us
• Asking them, within reason, to support us in our own needs for personal care - alone time
• Taking ownership for our own needs for personal time - making them known to our spouse
• Setting boundaries - learning to say "yes" when we mean "yes" and to say "no" when we mean "no".
• Directly addressing wrongdoing on the part of our spouse without trying to shame them
• Prioritizing the relationship over our children - by this I mean getting our emotional support from each other and close adult friends instead of getting our emotional needs met by our children
• Working as a team to serve our children - meeting their physical and emotional needs
• Taking time out for our own needs as a couple - date nights without the children
• Honestly making our needs known, knowing they won't always get met by our spouse
• Having a desire to meet our spouse's needs even when we aren't able to meet them
• Taking ownership for our wrongdoings and finding a desire to accept responsibility for change

In short, prioritizing the relationship involves much more than just prioritizing the other individual.  It entails a variety of needs and desires of the couple, of each individual, of self, and our children.

Life Will Never be the Same

Once a person finds the courage to take ownership for his or her actions, refuses to beat themselves up over them, and somehow finds the deep down desire to move towards the one they have harmed to say “I am so sorry. I don’t want to do that anymore.” – life will never be the same. A person with a true heart like this one, a non-defensive and non-avoidant heart, will inevitably begin to change over time, regardless of the pace. They will seek help for the parts of themselves that they have been unable to change. They will find their confidence, love, and power through their vulnerability and the ownership of their responsibility.

Easter and The Fear of God (not exactly what you think)

In Christian theology, we believe that God-in-Christ died on a cross, punished for something He never deserved, namely our sin, descended into hell itself, and that three days later, being God, He came back to life, because of course, death could not contain God.

 

We should fear God on Easter, but not in the way that you think I might mean.

 

There are a couple things God has to say about fear.  First, He says that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Psalm 111).  Okay, so this is the starting point.  What happens when I go to God out of fear of punishment?  Before Jesus went to the cross, he addressed this issue.  He told us not to fear other human beings because they (and we) will all be exposed for who we really are one day.  Instead, he dared us to fear Him – the one who can destroy both soul and body in hell.  But in that same teaching, he says next that if you come to Him in fear, you will find that he cares for you – that you are valuable and of immense worth (Matthew 10).  That was Jesus teaching before He even went to the cross.  What happens when we meet God at the cross in fear and trembling over our sin, over the harm we have done to others, over the harm we have done to self, and yes – even the harm we have done to Him – brining God to deep anger and sadness over His loss of us – what happens when we meet Him there at the cross?  This is what He says:

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.  This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus.  There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (1 John 4).

At this point, the fear of God in relation to punishment is completely eliminated.  Let me stress that again.  The fear of God has 0% to do with punishment.

For the person who goes to the cross to meet with God, fear has to do with what He wants to do with us.  In Romans 6 and Colossians 2, God tells us that when we were baptized, it was as if we were buried with Christ for our sin.  However, He also says that just as Christ was raised from the dead, it is as if we were raised from the dead, so that we may have new life.   

At the resurrection, or what we call Easter, this is fear of God – new life.  New life isn’t about trying to lessen our sin.  New life is about walking into the freedom to try to find our long lost desire to love again.  Often, those who come from severely broken homes and are put into foster care with loving families struggle immensely with the amount of safety, love, affection, and boundaries they find in that home.  Their roadmap has been severely damaged and they feel most comfortable with harm done to them, self-harm, and harming others.  I heard a very harmed and harmful person tell me one time that he felt extremely uncomfortable in loving environments.

When we meet God at the cross, the fear of punishment is completely eliminated.  We are instantly sent to the resurrection where God offers us new life.  New life is scary because when we are set free from sin through forgiveness, we can begin to take ownership for our sin and really begin to deal with the harm we’ve done to God, others, and self.  We don’t have to hide any longer.  And this is what is so scary – we don’t have to hide any longer.  God’s invitation to unconditional new life, both now and in heaven to come, requires vulnerability, which means we let God and other safe people into our lives for confession and assistance.  This exposure is so fearful.  That is why many people find it a good start to go to a counselor who will maintain confidentiality.  Then, as the person grows, he or she is able to let others into his or her life with the guidance of a trusted professional.  This is one way to do it, when the fear of new life is so high. 

The other fear of new life is honesty, which entails saying “yes” when we mean “yes” and saying “no” when we mean “no”.  This comes directly from the mouth of Christ himself.  He knows that we only have so much emotional and physical capacity to do things.  His desire is for us to take care of ourselves and our emotional needs.  This means suffering the discomfort of saying “no” to someone’s request instead of suffering from resentment later when we’ve said “yes” but we really meant “no”.  Conversely, there have been so many times in our lives when we wanted to say “yes”, but some voice in our head told us to say “no”.  Maybe we were invited to play volleyball at the YMCA on Thursday nights, but our husband didn’t know how to cook dinner or take care of the children very well on his own.  So, we sacrifice our physical and emotional health by saying “no” when we wanted to say “yes”.   Instead, it would be better to coach our husband on what to do for the evening and say “yes” to volleyball.  Of course, there is a balance here, but we all need a certain amount of time for our own personal things that rejuvenate us.  This kind of honesty is scary because often those around us don’t want this kind of honesty.  We will be tempted to feel false guilt and entering new life in these circumstances will be extremely difficult.

So, we see that new life entails vulnerability, honesty, and courage.  As we try to love others and meet them as equals and within our capacities, we will be exposed for who we really are – those who are trying to find our desire to love people, but who also have imperfections, limited capacities, and even still harm those around them.  Taking ownership for the good and bad in our lives instead of running, denying, or hiding is what God calls new life, at least here on earth.  Such new life is terrifying because it exposes us for who we really are.  More and more over time, we will be truly known, and that is scary.  Simultaneously, it is incredibly appealing because in new life, we find periods of rest, because we don’t have to hide any longer.

Easter is to be celebrated because in Easter we see that death and hell were unable to contain Christ our Lord.  Easter is also to be celebrated because simultaneously, we have been risen from our spiritual death.  God has given us the freedom to try to find our long lost desire to love.  This is to be celebrated, but this is also to be feared.  Such freedom entails so much uncertainty, so many unknowns, so much space that we have never felt before.  The definition of courage is that we do something we are terrified of – this is what God wants to do with us.  He wants us to find courage, vulnerability, trust, and love.  We have to believe that these things lie somewhere deep inside us, even if we are having a hard time finding them. 

Truth, Grace, Fear, and Courage

All of us grow up with styles of relating designed to protect us from harm.  These are fractured love styles that are based upon the ways in which we were betrayed growing up.  Even the healthiest families cannot avoid these dynamics because we all have the tendancy to harm one another.  Harm and hurt are only to various degrees among families and as a result, we develop these fractured love styles that aren't built upon vulnerability and intimacy, but upon self-protection.

Some of us power up and try to force control.  Some of us play victims.  Some of us avoid.  Some of us play people pleaser to keep everyone happy.  Some of us go back and forth between trying to connect and running away.  All of these fractured love styles dampen vulnerability and intimacy.  Unfortunately, in our desire to protect ourselves, we end up feeling isolated and alone smack in the middle of our marriage.

Our greatest fear is relationship itself.  Marriage is an invitation to know and be known, to love and be loved, to risk exposure and vulnerability.  This invitation is both our greatest desire and our greatest fear.  The only way we can risk entering relationship within marriage is through truth, grace, fear, and courage.

Truth means naming our needs and desires instead of self-protecting.  We lay out our needs and desires on the table in front of our partner, and then we give them complete freedom to meet those needs and desires as they choose and/or as they are able.  We risk our needs and desires not being met.  Instead of trying to self-protect in order to prevent betrayal, we risk betrayal and then lay out appropriate boundaries when a betrayal occurs.  This gives our partner the freedom to try to meet our needs without the pressure of perfection.  (If betrayal has already occurred, then we set the boundary immediately and over time widen the boundary as our partner demonstrates trust over time).  In addition to naming our needs and desires, we listen to them name their needs and desires with a sense of openness.

Grace is very similar to truth.  Two sides of the same coin.  In grace, we name harm done to us and lay it out on the table in front of our partner.  We give them complete freedom to take ownership of the harm they have done.  Often we have also harmed them and so we give them the freedom to name our harm.  In grace, we have complete freedom to take ownership without being forced to do so.  In this frame of mind, we see the dignity and value of our partner because we choose to name the harm and yet have already forgiven them by releasing them from any obligation to make up for what they have done.  Finally, one other aspect of grace is to acknowlege that our partners simply can't do everything.  Sometimes, their inability to meet our needs and desires are hampered by ability and/or the fact that they have been harmed so much in the past that it will take a long time for them to be able to learn how to move towards you in love.

Finaly, fear and courage are primary components of marriage.  In fact, the discomfort of fear isn't something we can gloss over, sweep under the carpet, or pretend doesn't exist.  However, healthy fear and unhealthy fear are two different animals.  When we self-protect in order to try not to get hurt, this is unhealthy fear because we inevitably harm our partner and ourself.  However, when we risk moving towards our partner withour needs and desires exposed, then we experience a healthy kind of fear that amounts to courage and bravery.  Moreover, we tell each other that despite our imperfections, we want to move towards each other at the core of our hearts but that it is the most terrifying thing we could ever do. 

In summary, marriage is an invitation to relationship and love through truth, grace, fear, and courage.  Choosing to risk love within marriage is one of the most terrifying things we could ever embark upon, but for those who are willing to risk vulnerability over fractured love styles, it is also the place where we find deep feelings of gratitude. 

The Rituals of Pursuit

Men, our women want to be pursued.

Our pursuit sometimes involves flowers, an evening out on the town, and a candle light dinner.  However, a stronger form of pursuit involves the daily rituals we practice over and over again to show our women that we think about them, want them, and continually want to do so.

Every morning I wake up about 2 hours before my wife due to my work schedule.  I get ready and then I make sure to do something very specific every morning.  I climb back into bed, put my cheek onto her cheek, kiss her several times, tell her I love her, and then keep my cheek next to hers for ten or fifteen seconds.  Sometimes I stroke her hair.  She stays half-a-sleep so she doesn't wake up, but she acknowledges my presence and lets me know she feels thankful for my presence.

When I get to work, I always try to send a private Facebook message when I arrive.  Sometimes it's very short like, "Hi! I just got to work and I was thinking about you.  I love you." Or, sometimes, it is more profound or creative.  Maybe I thank her for a conversation the night before and how it impacted me.  Something like that can be a short paragraph.  Sometimes, for fun, I write a rap song of my love for her.  Sometimes, I write something showing her my sexual desire.  This morning, I sent her a picture of two Panda bears cuddling with each other and I told her I loved her.

Later on in the late morning, I almost always give her a call for no reason from work.  If she answers, I say, "Hi.  I was calling just to say 'hi'. How are you?"  That's where we start.  I try not to have an agenda.  I try not to have anything we need to discuss like finances.  I just call to say "hi".  We go from there.  Usually, our phone call is only 3 minutes, but that is all she needs to know that I love her and want to pursue her.

Your wife, fiancee, or girlfriend wants to be pursued.  She doesn't just want the flowers and romantic dinners, although that is important as well.  She wants the daily rituals.  It won't get old for her.

What are some of your rituals? Feel free to submit a comment.

Trust: More Than a Character Trait

"Most psychologists and other social science researchers regard trust as just one of many qualities that determine a relationship's strength, rather than its foundation.  Some exerperts even consider trust a character triat - you either have it in you or you don't.  But I don't believe that.  I am certain that the majority of couples can maximize their loyalty level and therefore guard against betrayal and improve their odds of a happy future together.  Trust is not some vague quality that grows between two people.  It is the specific state that exists when you are both willing to change your own behavior to benefit your partner.

"Trusting each other doesn't mean that [a couple] will always put the other's needs ahead of their own - that is unlikely to be healthy.  But it does mean that their happiness will be interconnected.  They will each change their owwn behavior to increase the other's payoffs. 

-John Gottman in What Makes Love Last?

Your Health Isn't Just for You

What you have to decide is whether or not you want to do good to your spouse by taking care of your health the best you can.  Here are some simple ways you can take care of you and your spouse by taking care of your health. 

• Health Insurance
• get private health insurance if you don't have it through work
• get private health insurance for catastrophic events if you can't afford a regular policy
• Doctor and Medical
• go to the doctor when you feel sick - don't try to ride it out
• use urgent care when needed
• visit a doctor for periodic procedures as you grow older
• take prescribed medication daily and don't stop taking it
• visit the chiropractor or physical therapist for back problems
• investigate alternative medicine and therapies through websites such as MayoClinic.org
• Sleep
• get a sleep study done if your spouse thinks you have sleep apnea 
• sleep 7 or 8 hours a day if your body permits you
• Dental Care
• visit your dentist every 6 months
• floss every day
• wear a mouthguard from your dentist if you are a grinder
• Exercise and Eating
• exercise regularly or at least take regular walks
• eat breakfast 
• eat food at home instead of fast food
• eat more fruit and vegetables
• eat fiber
• Mental Health
• take care of your mental health via counseling and/or medication
• address addictions through counseling/12-step programs or other ways for things like smoking, drinking, drugs, and sex addiction

You must decide if you want to do good to your spouse by doing these things, apart from their demands or desires for you to do so.  Some spouses argue over these issues.  Some spouses don't care.  Regardless, your decision to do good to you and your spouse must be apart from his or her demands or passivity.  

It is your choice to take care of you and your spouse through taking care of your health.  

Share Sin and Shame

On the way to church this morning, noting my silence and facial expression, my wife asked me if something was wrong.  Instead of saying, "nothing", which is what my man-heart wanted to say, I told her that I was in a state of shame - feeling low and anxious about something I had done earlier in the morning.  I hadn't done anything wrong, but I was suffering from false guilt, fearing I had done something wrong.  My wife, who is such a good woman, didn't try to find a solution for me.  She listened to me and thanked me for sharing.  She says it makes her feel safe when I share these things.

Later this afternoon, I expressed arrogance and jealousy I'd felt during church towards the preacher and some others who had shared during the morning.  (This is true sin, because I put a divide between me and the other person I harbor arrogance towards.)  I often struggle with thinking that most things in church would run better if I were the one running it, speaking, or leading.  My heart is often guarded and unopen to the dignity and goodness of those who are in the spotlight.  This disposition of my heart often prevents me from living a wholehearted, full life - open to the words, feelings, and hearts of those I come into contact with. 

When I shared the sin of my arrogance and jealousy with my wife, she thanked me.  She often tells me that she feels more safe and trusts me more when I share these things with her.  I believe this is because hiddenness induces mistrust, while ownership and exposure induce trust.  On my wife's part, she usually just listens.  Sometimes she has feedback, but most often, she asks permission before she gives feedback.  Even in her feedback, she rarely tries to fix me or find a solution.  She simiply gives me ideas to think about that could be connected and helpful.  My role is to listen to her, allow her influence, and then make my own decision as my own person. 

In short, when we share our sin and our shame, we give our spouses the opportunity to feel more safe and develop trust overtime.  This is because ownership is one of the highest ways to develop trust in a relationship.  In addition, on the receiving end, when we listen deeply, refuse to try to fix our partner, and offer feedback very gently and with permission, then we also garner safety and trust in our partner.  The process is complicated and messy; yet, with patience and time, it can become glorious.

Ownership

Have you ever shared with your spouse about how they had hurt you and your spouse became defensive, argumentative, avoidant, or contemptuous?  Have you ever hurt your spouse, they addressed the issue with you, and you became defensive, argumentative, avoidant, or contemptuous?  In both of these situations, either you or your spouse, or both of you, are doing something that will lead to years of frustration in your marriage - avoiding ownership.

Ownership means that we take responsibility for our actions towards our spouse.  If our spouse was hurt because we were short with them, then we take ownership.  If our spouse was hurt because we were late for dinner and hadn't called beforehand, then we take ownership.  If we spent money that the other didn't know about and it hurt them, then we take ownership.  If we were looking at pornography, our spouse found it, and felt betrayed, then we take ownership.

Ownership builds trust.

I remember listening to a pastor at my church talk one time about how he had hurt his wife in a conversation.  He had been defensive and avoidant.  The argument wasn't resolved.  He drove off to work.  On his drive, he realized that he wanted to take ownership for what he had done.  He called up his wife on his cell phone and said, "I am so sorry.  I don't want to do that any more.  That isn't what I want to do to you."

In that moment, I realized something that has been very powerful for me and my wife.  When I take ownership for my actions and have a deep desire to change and treat her differently during a similar situation in the future, then it builds trust between her and I.  Even more trust is built when my future actions line up with my desires.

My wife and I go through this process all the time.  She and I meet each other in the middle of our harm towards one another.  Sure, we could avoid it, rationalize it, or debate it, but that creates further division.  Instead, we meet each other in the middle of the pain, be it big or small.

Telling on ourselves builds trust.

Another form of ownership is telling on ourselves.  There are times when we harm our spouse without them knowing it.  Sounds strange, right?  Think about little white lies you've told.  How about pretending to enjoy something with your spouse when you were secretly hating the activity?  Maybe it was more dramatic like you caught yourself flirting with someone at work and didn't realize it until after the fact.  Now you don't know what to do.

Some of us might say that we don't want to hurt our spouse by telling them.  Better to keep it hidden and try to change than risk telling our spouse and hurting them.  Bill Thrall puts it very well when he says, "When we do something against someone in secret, we have already harmed them, they just don't know it yet."  And, to be honest, they probably do know, they just don't know what it is.  We all have a sixth sense that something is wrong.

Taking ownership and telling on ourselves is one of the deepest and most intimate things my wife and I do together.  It feels paradoxical, but when we meet each other in the middle of our harm against one another, we experience trust, safety, intimacy, forgiveness, and peace.  The terrifying part about this process is that the only way to get to those things is to meet each other in the middle of pain, sadness, confusion, and uncertainty.  It is never easy or simple, but the risk may result in something glorious.

Speaking Their Language

Last year, my wife, then girlfriend, and I went to a ballet called "Ballet Under The Stars" in a local park.  The night air was crisp, the stage lighting was excellent, and the dancers were talented. 

We attended the event with her brother and sister-in-law.  During the highlight of the show, while probably the best routine was being performed, I was literally about to utter, "Wow, this is powerful."

Just before I said these words, my wife's sister-in-law said, "Wow, this is beautiful."

I chuckled a little under my breath.  Here we were, watching the exact same show, and my first words were about power and her first words were about beauty.  Same observation, completely different interpretation.

Or was it?

If we take a coin, then on one side is beauty and on the other side is strength.  It is a paradox of being one-in-the-same coin and yet opposite sides, just as with gender, men and women are both humans who unite as one flesh and yet are so different from one another.  A man and a woman unite and paradoxically can help each other to become more masculine and more feminine, thus even more distinct from one another, yet even more united as one flesh - a mysterious, glorious, fearful process.

Anyway, let's get back to the practical point I'm making.

Men and women speak differently.  We all know that.  However, have you ever thought of trying to speak your partner's language?  What if the two of you were looking out at a sunset or a sky full of stars, and as a man, you looked to your beautiful woman and said, "These stars are beautiful and they are like a decoration to go with your beauty.  You are beautiful."

What if you were a woman looking at the sunset or the sky full of stars and said, "This sky is powerful, the sheer massiveness of it is so powerful, and it moves me.  The stars move planets and you move me.  You are powerful and you move me."

The point I'm trying to make here is that as couples, we need to practice trying to put things into the language of our spouses.  It is truly a cross-cultural arrangement and we must dare and risk speaking to our spouses, not as we wish to be spoken to, but as they desire.

The best way to do this is to ask, "How can I speak to you in the way that affects you?"  Or, try stuff out, and then ask, "Did you like the way I expressed that to you?" 

This is a good way to start.

Calling for No Reason

I heard a guy say one time that he calls his wife a couple times a day for no reason at all.  He just wants her to know that he's thinking of her.

I took this guy up on his advice and I probably call my wife at least once a day for no reason at all.  No appointment to schedule.  No mutual chore that we need to embark upon.  No item on the agenda.  None of that.  I just call to say "Hi, how are you?"  That's it.

This is very vulnerable for us as men and maybe even downright scary, but give it a try.  The reason you're calling isn't for an item on the agenda.  It's just so she knows you're thinking of her and her heart.  It helps her to feel more open and safe with you.

Oh, and it doesn't have to be a 30 minute phone call that's going to ruin work for you.  My calls are usually an average of 3 minutes, which surprises me because we like to talk to each other.  Anyway, if your wife is a talker, just tell her you need to get back to work but you wanted to know how she was doing.  That's okay.

Of course, it can get more complicated than that and who's to say who's working during what hours and when each of you is free or not free for a phone call.  Maybe she's a nurse and busier than you and you have to leave a voicemail.  The point is that she knows your desire is there.  She'll appreciate the voicemail as well.

Good luck men.

Take a Walk

My wife told me to write this blog - Take a Walk.  Here it is:

One of the things we really like to do is take walks.  We've realized this is something that is very important to us.  See, we're really good at talking and communicating, but sometimes it helps to do so while taking a walk.  I'm not sure really why, but the physical activity plus talking works really well.

Taking a walk can be really vulnerable, because there's nothing to do.  All you can do is talk.  And, if you aren't talking, then you have to deal with the silence.  I highly recommend turning off your cell phone.  Frankly, it can almost feel scary - turning off that cell phone.  If you've got kids that may or may not be an option, but if you can create a situation where you can turn off your cell phone, then that's the best option.

Walks tend to bring out scary conversations like, "Can we talk about our dreams and our future?"  Whew!  Why can't we just be okay with right now? - this is what I am thinking when she asks this question.  But, the reality is that a walk is a great time to process through what's happening in life right now, as well as talking about what our hopes and dreams are for the future.

So, the next time you and your spouse are trying to think of something to do, instead of downloading a movie or driving to Red Box, try taking a walk sometimes.

Affecting Your Husband

My wife affects me to the core when she tells me what she knows I can do well.  In particular as men, we are interested in whether or not our work counts.  Does what we do really matter?  Does it do anything to you?  Do you admire our work?

For example, if I write a blog entry, my wife can say, "You're a good man, with a good heart, who is very loving." This is a good response and I don't want her to stop, but it doesn't do as much as when she says, "These words you wrote, the way you crafted them, the way that they made me feel, and what I learned from them were powerful."*

As another example, if I build something out of wood, stain, paint, metal, or tinker toys for that matter, my wife can say, "This is so beautiful.  You always make such beautiful things."  This is a good response, but it doesn't do as much as if she says, "Wow.  How did you make this dresser?"  After listening what I did and how I did it, if she says, "Wow.  You are really good at working with your hands.  This is an excellent piece of work," then I'm much more deeply affected.

As men, we want to know if you think we can do things.  Of course, don't stop using the words, "I love you" or "You are a good man with a good heart."  Please, don't stop saying these things.  We need it all, just as you do.  However, if you want to affect us to the core, to really speak intimately to our hearts, then tell us what you think about our work and what we can do.

It does something to us.

______________________________
*My wife has increasingly been getting better at affecting me in this way through her words and through her written messages to me.  Thus, I have gratitude in thinking about how she has awakened me to what I have written above.  I've experienced this through her willingness to learn how to connect with me as a man.

Getting Outside Help

My wife and I meet with a counselor.  We do so extensively.  If you've been reading these previous blog entries of mine, you might be tempted to wonder how we are doing so well.  The reality is that apart from outside help, we wouldn't be doing very well right now at all.

My wife and I are both broken people with broken pasts, and we still have our current sinful nature.  We bear a mixture of dignity and depravity and that depravity is something we aren't able to deal with on our own.

We need help from the outside.

I've been meeting with an excellent counselor for the past year and a half and my wife has been meeting with her for the past year or so.  We also attend a marriage class that is taught and facilitated by people who have worked through lots of issues in their marriages, many of whom have gone from very difficult marriages to marriages that are anywhere from improving to thriving.  A good marriage class or small group counseling is also helpful.

A lot of you might be thinking, I don't need help from the outside.  I don't need a counselor.  My wife and I are doing fine.  My husband and I are doing fine.  The reality is that there aren't very many marriages that are doing well at all.  This is a sad reality in a world ridden with sin and shame.  Most marriage partners are living together but hiding from one another in various ways.

To find a good counselor, you need to look for someone who not only has good training, but also someone who has worked through their own stuff.  A counselor isn't someone who has always had their stuff together, rather most good counselors have worked through the harm done to them and the pain they have caused themselves and others.  Before submitting yourself to a counselor, ask them about their master's program.  Did it require them to submit to their own therapy through the program or at least outside of the program during their duration of the program?  Also, can the therapist share a little bit about how they have worked through their harm, pain, and dysfunctional patterns?  They don't need to give you exclusive details, rather a general, overall picture.  If they give you a deer-in-the-headlights look, then you probably aren't sitting in front of the right person.

All marriages, including relatively good ones, need someone from the outside who can help shed light on the relational dynamics within the marriage.  An unhealthy marriage desperately needs help.  A healthy, unhidden marriage needs fine tuning along the way in order to help from getting stagnate.  A healthy couple knows they need this help.  They get help from time to time even when they are doing well as a way to trouble shoot stuff before it gets out of control.  Sort of like getting your oil changed to prevent blowing out an engine gasket.  An unhealthy couple, on the other hand, often doesn't believe they really need very much help at all.  This is unfortunate.

The thing is, when you invite your spouse to see a counselor, they will either get scared and resist, or they will get filled with gratitude.  Either way, you are taking a risk, demonstrating a tremendous amount of courage.  Your spouse will know whether or not you want a counselor to "get your spouse fixed" or the opposite, which is that you truly want some help from the outside, including yourself, to strengthen the relationship - that your heart is for them and not against them.

If your spouse isn't willing, the real question you'll have to grapple with is whether or not you'll do it on your own.  My prayer for you is that it would be the two of you, but sometimes it has to start with one or the other who has found the courage to do so - to get help from the outside - to find someone who can help you with the parts of you that you can't see on your own.

Do you and/or your spouse have help from the outside?

Joy and Graditude in the Ordinary

I used to have grand ideas about how to save the world.  I had the following beliefs:

• if I could become a politician who saved the U.S. then that would be extraordinary.  
• if I could write a book that would change people, then that would be extraordinary.  
• if I could start an orphanage, adopt some crack babies, or start an inner-city ministry, then that would be extraordinary.

But, then I ran into my wife.

My wife and I find ourselves in some of the most extraordinary moments as we sit down to eat a meal.  A sense of gratitude and joy often comes over us as we simply thank one another for cooking dinner or washing the dishes following dinner.  A sense of gratitude and joy comes over us as we realize the other person has listened to our vulnerability in sharing some of the fears or failures we experienced during the day.  "Thank you" becomes more than just a polite expression.  It becomes a deep sense of connection to the other person.

As another example, we also experience a sense of gratitude and joy as we share each others accomplishments and successes during the day, along with words of affirmation, a way to endorse the other person's value, worth, and recognition.  "Thank you for affirming me."  It is powerful.

As a final example, we experience a sense of gratitude and joy when we share with each other how we have been blamed, harmed, or hurt, be it a large infraction or a seemingly smaller one.  When our spouse says, "I'm so sorry that happened to you.  That wasn't fair and that person shouldn't have done that to you."  When we say these sorts of things to each other, without trying to fix the other, we validate their feelings and woundedness.

I used to think that I could experience the joy of doing something extraordinary if I saved the world.  Now, I realize that I experience the most gratitude and joy in the simple moments that my wife and I have as we often meet for moments of quiet connectedness to listen, share, validate, and support one another.  It is possible that one day, God might use me to save the world; however, I can't experience the type of gratitude and joy found in such a venture without it sprouting from the deeper sense of gratitude and joy that I experience with my wife at the dinner table for quiet moments of reflection.

This is where God takes us at our core relationship and allows us to move with that core relationship out into the realm of the many.  Saving the world really means husbands, wives, fathers, and mothers who experience deep senses of gratitude and joy in the seemingly ordinary moments of the day and then carry their heart into the world and then those around them are infected by their ordinary joys which infuse into their own spousal and parental relationships.  The extraordinary is truly about others being infected by our seemingly ordinary gratitudes and joys.

"Joy comes to us in moments - ordinary moments.  We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary." - Brene Brown

A Happy Husband is a Happy Life

Now that I’m getting into the whole marriage arena, I’m starting to hear all sorts of expression, commentary, and proverbs about marriage.  A couple months ago, I heard someone say, “I do believe in the expression that a ‘happy wife is a happy life’.”

Well, I have all sorts of thoughts on that one.  It’s true and it isn’t true.  Keeping your wife happy isn’t the goal, but doing good to her is the goal.  In the long run, doing good to your wife, loving her, results in a happy life – in the midst of all sorts of other stuff like pain, sadness, joy, hope, disappointment and fear. 

I digress.

As I thought about writing another blog entry on marriage, a recollection of some friends of mine came to mind and I thought, “Hmm, I know a couple who has done the opposite.”

So, that’s where I came up with the title: “A Happy Husband is a Happy Life”.

Four or five years ago, my friend and his wife chose to do something that I believe has been very healthy for their marriage.  He had previously worked for a power company making a lot of money – at least a lot of money in my book.  At minimum, they didn’t have to worry about finances extensively.   Unfortunately, the job kept him contained in a cubicle, a man who loves to work with his hands clicked away at his computer every day – bored with his occupational life.

After returning from a year overseas working for an NGO, the husband tried out his hand at remodeling, something he’d done before on the side, but never as a primary source of income.  The projects started rolling in and so they decided he would do so as along as it was working out.  Initially the work kept coming in.  But, remodeling and carpentry is an up and down business and the money isn’t as secure as working for a power company.  Times have been hard financially, but they – and more specifically the wife – have stayed with this up and down employment for the past several years. 

It is to the wife that I pay my respect.  Financial security is a very important thing in our lives.  I have a high degree of respect for husbands who work jobs they don’t like in order to support their families.  However, in this situation, she believed that her husband was happier doing remodel work and so she chose to live a more difficult life financially for the sake of her husband’s emotional health, her emotional health, and the health of their children. 

In addition, the situation works very well for her too, since he works out of his garage and out on job projects.  When he’s working at home, she gets to see him, the kids get to see him, they have lunch together, and watch him work through the window.  Thus, it isn’t just that the husband is emotionally healthy due to this choice they’ve made.  They all benefit.

In this life, we will have money and we won’t have money.  I’m not going to try to write out some sort of blanket rule for how we should make our decisions on these sorts of things.  I respect those who choose financial security and also respect those who choose to struggle through job preference as a choice.  I respect them both for different reasons.  It is a choice.  Nevertheless, I share this story with you, simply because I think it is a cool story and one worth sharing.
____________________________
*Note: Before posting this blog entry, I sent it to my friend to whom I'm referring to check it for accuracy and make sure he approved my post.  He said "I approve this message" and he also said he appreciated my take on the situation.  He states that things are on the up right now with his remodeling business, but he also states that "yes" it is an up and down business but that he believes God is good and trustworthy even in the midst of the down times when they come.

Don't Hide

While speaking with a friend of mine at church the other day, he gave me one good piece of advice about being a husband.

"Don't hide."

Getting Old, Getting Real

In the Velveteen Rabbit, two stuffed animals talk about what it means to be loved and to become Real:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.  "It's a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.  "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.  "You becojme.  It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

_____________________________________

Women, decorate and take care of yourselves over your lifetime because your beauty is not dependent upon what culture has told you to believe.  Decorate and take care of yourselves because you are already beautiful.  Men, tell your women often that they are beautiful because you know the truth, which is that they are already beautiful.  Don't roll your eyes due to the fact that they need to hear this from you often and why won't they just believe the truth?  What you need to understand is that it is our role and our power to tell them the truth in this area so that they can believe the truth over time.  Women, this is where you offer your vulnerability.  Men, this is where you nurture their vulnerability.  When they fail to believe you, it isn't because there is something wrong with you, it is because they need your help to believe the truth about themselves.  They really need us and this is where we get to use our strength over and over again.

Men, take care of yourselves physically and emotionally, not so that you can prove your power, but to demonstrate the power you already have.  Your body will break down but your strength will not.  You will have to find new ways to exert the strength you have.  Your power will come from your words.  Men, you have the ability to tell others their identity - your wives, your children, and other men in your life.  As you grow older, your new power becomes your words.  In fact, this is the way you become like God - you instill the words of identity into others.  Your wives and daughters learn their beauty.  Your sons and other men learn their strength. 

Women, believe your men when they tell you who you really are.  Don't demand them to declare words of identity to you.  Instead, invite them to do so and tell them the type of beautiful power they have to do amazing things to your heart.  It is a huge risk to stop demanding and start naming your desires with only an invitation.  Refuse to criticize him for not doing it the way you want him too.  Instead, explain to him how he can be most powerful and how his words can affect you most.  He will know if you are inviting or demanding.  It will take amazing patience.  But, in the end, your man might find the strength he thought he was losing.  Your invitation, instead of your demand, is the way in which you invite his strength.  This is one of the best ways you can love him. 

Synopsis:
Women, believe in your beauty.  Men, declare their beauty.
Men, exert your strength.  Women, invite their strength.

Gottman on Building Trust

What I've found through research is that trust is built in very small moments, which I call "sliding door" moments, after the movie Sliding Doors.  In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.

Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship.  One night, I really wanted to finish a mystery novel.  I thought I knew who the killer was, but I was anxious to find out.  At one point in the night, I put the novel on my bedside and walked into the bathroom. 

As I passed the mirror, I saw my wife's face in the reflection, and she looked sad, brushing her hair.  There was a sliding door moment.

I had a choice.  I could sneak out of the bathroom and think, I don't want to deal with her sadness tonight; I want to read my novel.  But instead, because I'm a sensitive researcher of relationships, I decided to go into the bathroom.  I took the brush from her hair and asked, "What's the matter, baby?"  And she told me why she was sad.

Now, at that moment, I was building trust; I was there for her.  I was connecting with her rather than choosing to think only about what I wanted.  These are the moments, we've discovered, that build trust.

One such moment is not that important, but if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship - very gradually, very slowly.

Taken from an article by researcher John Gottman @ www.greatergood.berkeley.edu who wrote The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples, as quoted by Brene Brown in Daring Greatly.

Struggle

My wife asked me to write a blog about some of the struggles we have faced both prior to marriage and within marriage. I can understand why she's requested this one. A lot of my blog entries could make it seem like we are the perfect couple and why can't I live up to that or why can't my spouse be more like him or her.

The truth is - we all struggle.

My wife and I have our own stories coming into marriage and our own story that we are now developing within marriage. I'm a man and she's a woman. Frankly, we fall into a lot of patterns that are similar to others. When my shame gets triggered, I go silent. When her shame gets triggered, she wants to control. Neither of us wants to do harm to one another, but we do. When I go silent, I'm harming her, despite my desire to do just the opposite. When she gets controlling, she harms me, even though she doesn't want to do so.

Here some examples:

Today, we were talking about finances on our drive. We recently sold our car and have some money. Sounds great right? But, what about how to spend it? That can cause problems. In fact, it has done so already. We've gone back and forth on a number of ways to spend it. I've gone silent and I've tried to control. She's gone silent and tried to control. We've both reacted a number of times and it has taken a lot of emotional risk to keep going back to the discussion to meet each other.

So often in situations like this, I'm tempted to say, "Whatever, just do whatever you want to do with it." This would of course be the worst thing I could do because I'd essentially be saying, "I'm bowing out. I'm not going to stay engaged with you in this process." From her point of view, this would be me telling her that I don't love her. Nevertheless, even though I've stayed in the arena with her, I have still harmed her with my silence and control and she has harmed me with her silence and control. The beauty is that if we choose to stay engaged, then things like our finances can become a place where we form some of our deepest bonds of intimacy, having gone through the process together. The reality is - we've been doing this for three months now and we've only survived about 25% of our budgeting sessions without conflict and hurt.

It is a struggle.

How about other day to day stuff? Let's talk about how to do things around the house. My wife is someone who values efficiency. I'm someone who never does anything efficiently. My wife is someone who thinks about all the ways that something can be accomplished. I'm someone who thinks about what problems may arise. My wife is open to relationships. I'm more selective and often fearful. My wife drives aggressively. I drive tentatively. Can you see the conflict inherent in this relationship?

I love my wife, but I really have to believe the truth, which is that she isn't my enemy when everything wants to tell me that she is. So often we can believe that the other person is out to make us men feel like we aren't good enough or make us women feel like we're too much. The reality is that we have to declare those beliefs as utterly false so that we can find what is deep down in our hearts, and often hard to find - that they aren't the enemy and that we want to do good to them.

I know that many of you might be thinking - but what if I don't know whether or not I want to do good or do harm to my spouse or not? This sort of ambivalence causes a lot of shame and guilt, especially for those of us who have been engaged in years of cycles of harm.

The reality is that we are all mixtures of goodness and harm. There is a dark side of us that wants to harm - truly. There is a good side of us that wants to do good - truly. The thing we have to remember is that our true self - the one that God has created - wants to do good. No matter how loud the voice of the dark side might be (sounds like Darth Vader here) we have to ask God to help us find that something deep down inside us, which is our desire is to do good to our spouse. When we engage with our spouse and try to believe that they aren't against us, then much can be accomplished in terms of intimacy and emotional health.

Commentary Question: What changes have you made in your marriage to help work through struggles?

One Car

In college, I went to an event in our dorm on creative dating.  The man who presented had written a book about he and his wife and their creative dating practices.  I can’t remember his name or the book he wrote, but I do remember one thing.  He said, “My wife and I drive one car.  On purpose.  Our driving times together are times that we get to talk without interruption.  A lot of good, quality time happens during those drives.”

Now, I’m not saying that you need to drop down to one car, if you have two.  And, you might even need two cars, depending on your situation.  However, even if you have two cars, my question is – how often do you drive each other to work?  Or, if that isn't a possibility, how often do you drive together to different functions, errands, and different events when it would be easier to use two cars?

My wife and I currently have one car.  I don’t want to judge anyone for how they run their lives logistically.  However, if we might buy another car in the future, my hope is that we intentionally drive each other to different places reasonably often, even if we get a second car.  We’ll see what happens when the rubber meets the road.  

Comment Question: What are some things that you and your spouse do to increase the amount of uninterrupted quality time?

Do Good Once a Day

In my last blog entry, I talked about how if you practice saying "I love you" to your wife once a day, then it will probably turn into more than once a day.

Similarly, for either husband or wife, if you try to do one good thing a day to him or her, then you will probably begin to do two, three, or four good things to him or her a day over time.  Once-a-day turns into more-than-once-a-day.  It has the opportunity to snowball. 

When we do good to our spouse, simply for the sake of doing good to them, it becomes very powerful and life giving.  This is hardest for struggling marriages, and that is why I say - give it a try just once a day.  That way it doesn't have to be so overwhelming.  Just try doing good once a day and see where it takes you.

Oh, and if you want to take a huge risk, ask your partner, "What is something good I could do to you today?"  What you think and what they think might be very different.  Especially across the sexes.

I Love You

Men, I heard this guy say one time that he makes sure to tell his wife that he loves her at least once a day. I decided to follow suit and I've done it ever since. Truth be told, once I started this practice, it turned into more than once a day. I think that in many things with our spouses, an intentional once-a-day can turn into more-than-once-a-day, almost without meaning to. 

Oh, and by the way, it doesn't get old for them to hear you say "I love you", especially when your desire is to do good to them out of an honest heart.  There are all of the in-between moments or regular occurances throughout the day, but then there are also those crucial times when they are down about something and they need to hear your words say "I love you", not to try to fix them in that moment but simply to know that you love them in the middle of it.

Double Dating

In recent entries, I've stressed the need to find and grab hold of our own individual interests and the need to endorse the interests of our partner.  This is part of the individuation we need in our marriage relationships - the need to be our own person.  On the flip side, there are a few mutual things we need to cultivate and nuture as well.

One of those activities is double-dating.  I'm sure that now or in the past that you've run into that newly married couple who used to hang out with ya'll, but now they're married and you never see them for the light of day.

That kind of couple has got to get themselves out into the world.

You and your spouse have got to get outside yourselves.  Dinner-out and a movie can only go so far.  You gotta get out there.  You need to double-date.  See, most singles think they have it made once they get married because they have that companion that doesn't have to go home at the end of the evening.  And yes, this is very true in-and-of-itself.  The reality is, however, we all know that our spouse, dinner, TV, and a movie won't cut it over time.  Boring.  Boring.  Boring. 

Our spouses might not be boring in-and-of-themselves, but give it enough time without any outside contact to the world and even the most interesting Las Vegas showtime entertainer won't catch your eye for much longer.  In addition, reclusing into your own two-selves for long periods of time just isn't psychologically healthy.  We were designed for relationship.  Our partner was designed to be our primary human source for relationship, but not our only one. 

So, it's time to get out there.  Feels strange to say this, but it's sort of like dating all over again.  A number of married couples already have a network of built in double-dating relationships and somehow they knew the need to get out there and be with other couples. On the other hand, a number of us (me included) would sink into the recesses of our homes if we didn't intentionally force ourselves to get out there and meet the rest of the world.  For those of you in this boat, those of you who eat the same meal every day, watch the same news program every night, and take the same route to work every day - you're going to have the greatest difficulty.  How in the world are we supposed to find others to double-date?  Who do we do this with?  How do we get out there?

In our Cable TV, Wireless Internet, Wii, PlayStation, Netflix, and Hulu based culture, double-dating can present a bit of a problem if you aren't already a part of a community.  This is in contrast to the experience most of us had in high school and for those of us who went to college.  We hung out with our friends in-between classes during high school and drove off campus during lunch time with upper classmen friends.  We went to high school football games, participated in clubs and organizations, and then hung out on weekends at parties or just at friends' houses.  During college, we lived in the dorms, met people, and did life with lots of others.  We ate lunch and dinner, studied together, played paintball, went rock climbing, middle-of-the-night Walmart runs, fraternity and sorority events, religious club activities, and dorm social activities.  The whole lifestyle was conducive to activities outside the dorm room.  Dating and double dating and hanging out were almost effortless, at least for a number of people.  When we leave college, get married, and especially have children, the getting-out-there process becomes more difficult. If we never socialized much growing up, then the task becomes even more daunting.

Neverthless, you and your spouse have a desperate need to get out there with others.  It really is a life or death situation - at least psychologically and spiritually speaking.

There are two ways I can think of to start meeting other couples and start going out on those double-dates, and I'm sure there are plenty of other ways.  First, I think Meetup.com and other social websites are a great place to start.  Sit down with your spouse at the computer, iPad, or iPhone and start searching.  What would you guys like to try out?  Maybe Meetup.com Horseback riding.  How about Meetup hiking or painting.  One time I looked up writer's groups and found like five or ten of them right in my own area.  There are all sorts of things on the site.  In fact, there probably is some sort of married-couple-double-dating Meetup for all I know.  Truth be told, I haven't even looked.  But, there's a ton of stuff out there.

Another way to meet others is to hook up with your church if you happen to be religious.  Religious centers are designed specifically to bring people together.  Meet some of those other married couples.  Attend a marriage class.  Go to the church volleyball picnic or the church-wide family pool party.  Say "hi" to someone.  Once you feel comfortable, see if your spouse feels comfortable asking out such-and-such a couple to a baseball game, coffee, or to play more volleyball.  Maybe you invite a couple of couples to a barbecue at your home or in the park.  Make sure your partner feels comfortable too, or it'll backfire.  You might have to wait a little bit or look for another couple they feel comfortable asking out.  Remember, you're doing this dating thing as a couple now.

One concern that I hope you have right now as I make these suggestions is this - how do I know these new people are safe?  Well, remember that one thing you don't have to do is ask them out right away.  You can hang out in those Meetup's or church activities for a long time before you ask anyone on a double-date. 

The other great resource I strongly recommend is a book called Safe People by Cloud and Townsend.  A complimentary book to go along with it is Boundaries by the same authors.  The idea is to get yourself out there as a couple, gather up the courage to ask others out, and take some emotional risks, while keeping in mind some of the principles found the books Safe People and Boundaries.

On a final note, you might be wondering how often you should be getting out there for a double-date?  How often should we be try hanging out with a new couple?  The reality is that we are all different and we all have our own sets of fears, much less the fact that our lives are so busy and fast paced anyway.  My wife and I generally seem to be doing a double-date about one to three times a month - and I'm even lumping lunches, visits to their house, and coffee into the mix, much less more creative type dates.  This is made much easier by the fact that we are already part of a church community and that we're already intentional about getting ourselves out there.  If you and your partner haven't tried doing this before and it feels scary, why not just try to do a double-date once-a-month?  That goal is achievable, and if you guys start liking the whole thing, then it will probably turn into more than once-a-month.

So, if you seem stuck or if you keep meeting with the same couple once every two months but can't seem to break into any new couples for a double-date, then you're gonna have to take a risk and do the whole Meetup.com thing or the church activity thing or something like that. 

Several years ago, I read a book by Henry Cloud called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping.  The book was for singles, but I think it applies to married couples as well.  In the book, Cloud recommends that those in their thirties, who haven't successfully found a marriage partner, try to date at least five people at a time.  I'm not talking five serious relationships - I'm talking about going out on dates for the sole purpose of going out on dates - nothing else.  I tried it out and by the time I got to person three or four, I actually ran into my now current wife.  The point was to stop thinking and start dating - just get out there.

Similar to dating singles, double-dating is the same.  You gotta get out there and go on some initial dates with these other couples.  It doesn't mean you're going to be best friends with them for the rest of your lives.  In fact, maybe you decide you don't like the couple after the first double-date and you never go out with them again.  There's nothing wrong with that.  On the other hand, maybe you'll find a couple or two couples or three couples or more that you can do things with on a regular basis. 

As spouses, it is crucial to get outside ourselves for the psychological health of our marriages and our children.  Our spouse and our children were never designed to bear the weight of our full set of needs.  The larger community has been provided to complement our families and meet our needs and desires as our additional resources.  As married couples, one need we have is relationship with other married couples.  Double-dating is a great way to improve the health of your marriage.

Refuse Anything Less Than Equality

Refuse anything less than equality with your spouse. 

So many of us go into relationships because we want to rescue or be rescued, teach or be taught, fix or be fixed.  All of these sorts of relationships are ones of inequality. 

I decided early on to believe the truth, which was that my wife (then girlfriend) was my equal.  I decided to listen to her and refused to think about how I was going to respond until after she had finished.  I decided to speak to her before I knew whether or not I was right or wrong.  I decided to take her seriously.  I decided to take myself seriously.

In equality, we decide to let the other person be in their own process in life and with God and with others. We stop trying to change them.  We share our desires, but we refuse to make demands. We have healthy boundaries and respect theirs as well. We allow their involvement and decide to let them in but refuse to succumb to their every whim.

In equality, we refuse to rescue or be rescued, teach or be taught, fix or be fixed.  We see each other for who we really are - a mixture of good and bad - and we decide that both of us have much to offer and much to learn from.  We meet them in each and every conversation on the same level and refuse to downplay either their desires or our own desires.

We meet them as our equal.