Easter and The Fear of God (not exactly what you think)

In Christian theology, we believe that God-in-Christ died on a cross, punished for something He never deserved, namely our sin, descended into hell itself, and that three days later, being God, He came back to life, because of course, death could not contain God.

 

We should fear God on Easter, but not in the way that you think I might mean.

 

There are a couple things God has to say about fear.  First, He says that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Psalm 111).  Okay, so this is the starting point.  What happens when I go to God out of fear of punishment?  Before Jesus went to the cross, he addressed this issue.  He told us not to fear other human beings because they (and we) will all be exposed for who we really are one day.  Instead, he dared us to fear Him – the one who can destroy both soul and body in hell.  But in that same teaching, he says next that if you come to Him in fear, you will find that he cares for you – that you are valuable and of immense worth (Matthew 10).  That was Jesus teaching before He even went to the cross.  What happens when we meet God at the cross in fear and trembling over our sin, over the harm we have done to others, over the harm we have done to self, and yes – even the harm we have done to Him – brining God to deep anger and sadness over His loss of us – what happens when we meet Him there at the cross?  This is what He says:

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.  This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus.  There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (1 John 4).

At this point, the fear of God in relation to punishment is completely eliminated.  Let me stress that again.  The fear of God has 0% to do with punishment.

For the person who goes to the cross to meet with God, fear has to do with what He wants to do with us.  In Romans 6 and Colossians 2, God tells us that when we were baptized, it was as if we were buried with Christ for our sin.  However, He also says that just as Christ was raised from the dead, it is as if we were raised from the dead, so that we may have new life.   

At the resurrection, or what we call Easter, this is fear of God – new life.  New life isn’t about trying to lessen our sin.  New life is about walking into the freedom to try to find our long lost desire to love again.  Often, those who come from severely broken homes and are put into foster care with loving families struggle immensely with the amount of safety, love, affection, and boundaries they find in that home.  Their roadmap has been severely damaged and they feel most comfortable with harm done to them, self-harm, and harming others.  I heard a very harmed and harmful person tell me one time that he felt extremely uncomfortable in loving environments.

When we meet God at the cross, the fear of punishment is completely eliminated.  We are instantly sent to the resurrection where God offers us new life.  New life is scary because when we are set free from sin through forgiveness, we can begin to take ownership for our sin and really begin to deal with the harm we’ve done to God, others, and self.  We don’t have to hide any longer.  And this is what is so scary – we don’t have to hide any longer.  God’s invitation to unconditional new life, both now and in heaven to come, requires vulnerability, which means we let God and other safe people into our lives for confession and assistance.  This exposure is so fearful.  That is why many people find it a good start to go to a counselor who will maintain confidentiality.  Then, as the person grows, he or she is able to let others into his or her life with the guidance of a trusted professional.  This is one way to do it, when the fear of new life is so high. 

The other fear of new life is honesty, which entails saying “yes” when we mean “yes” and saying “no” when we mean “no”.  This comes directly from the mouth of Christ himself.  He knows that we only have so much emotional and physical capacity to do things.  His desire is for us to take care of ourselves and our emotional needs.  This means suffering the discomfort of saying “no” to someone’s request instead of suffering from resentment later when we’ve said “yes” but we really meant “no”.  Conversely, there have been so many times in our lives when we wanted to say “yes”, but some voice in our head told us to say “no”.  Maybe we were invited to play volleyball at the YMCA on Thursday nights, but our husband didn’t know how to cook dinner or take care of the children very well on his own.  So, we sacrifice our physical and emotional health by saying “no” when we wanted to say “yes”.   Instead, it would be better to coach our husband on what to do for the evening and say “yes” to volleyball.  Of course, there is a balance here, but we all need a certain amount of time for our own personal things that rejuvenate us.  This kind of honesty is scary because often those around us don’t want this kind of honesty.  We will be tempted to feel false guilt and entering new life in these circumstances will be extremely difficult.

So, we see that new life entails vulnerability, honesty, and courage.  As we try to love others and meet them as equals and within our capacities, we will be exposed for who we really are – those who are trying to find our desire to love people, but who also have imperfections, limited capacities, and even still harm those around them.  Taking ownership for the good and bad in our lives instead of running, denying, or hiding is what God calls new life, at least here on earth.  Such new life is terrifying because it exposes us for who we really are.  More and more over time, we will be truly known, and that is scary.  Simultaneously, it is incredibly appealing because in new life, we find periods of rest, because we don’t have to hide any longer.

Easter is to be celebrated because in Easter we see that death and hell were unable to contain Christ our Lord.  Easter is also to be celebrated because simultaneously, we have been risen from our spiritual death.  God has given us the freedom to try to find our long lost desire to love.  This is to be celebrated, but this is also to be feared.  Such freedom entails so much uncertainty, so many unknowns, so much space that we have never felt before.  The definition of courage is that we do something we are terrified of – this is what God wants to do with us.  He wants us to find courage, vulnerability, trust, and love.  We have to believe that these things lie somewhere deep inside us, even if we are having a hard time finding them. 

Truth, Grace, Fear, and Courage

All of us grow up with styles of relating designed to protect us from harm.  These are fractured love styles that are based upon the ways in which we were betrayed growing up.  Even the healthiest families cannot avoid these dynamics because we all have the tendancy to harm one another.  Harm and hurt are only to various degrees among families and as a result, we develop these fractured love styles that aren't built upon vulnerability and intimacy, but upon self-protection.

Some of us power up and try to force control.  Some of us play victims.  Some of us avoid.  Some of us play people pleaser to keep everyone happy.  Some of us go back and forth between trying to connect and running away.  All of these fractured love styles dampen vulnerability and intimacy.  Unfortunately, in our desire to protect ourselves, we end up feeling isolated and alone smack in the middle of our marriage.

Our greatest fear is relationship itself.  Marriage is an invitation to know and be known, to love and be loved, to risk exposure and vulnerability.  This invitation is both our greatest desire and our greatest fear.  The only way we can risk entering relationship within marriage is through truth, grace, fear, and courage.

Truth means naming our needs and desires instead of self-protecting.  We lay out our needs and desires on the table in front of our partner, and then we give them complete freedom to meet those needs and desires as they choose and/or as they are able.  We risk our needs and desires not being met.  Instead of trying to self-protect in order to prevent betrayal, we risk betrayal and then lay out appropriate boundaries when a betrayal occurs.  This gives our partner the freedom to try to meet our needs without the pressure of perfection.  (If betrayal has already occurred, then we set the boundary immediately and over time widen the boundary as our partner demonstrates trust over time).  In addition to naming our needs and desires, we listen to them name their needs and desires with a sense of openness.

Grace is very similar to truth.  Two sides of the same coin.  In grace, we name harm done to us and lay it out on the table in front of our partner.  We give them complete freedom to take ownership of the harm they have done.  Often we have also harmed them and so we give them the freedom to name our harm.  In grace, we have complete freedom to take ownership without being forced to do so.  In this frame of mind, we see the dignity and value of our partner because we choose to name the harm and yet have already forgiven them by releasing them from any obligation to make up for what they have done.  Finally, one other aspect of grace is to acknowlege that our partners simply can't do everything.  Sometimes, their inability to meet our needs and desires are hampered by ability and/or the fact that they have been harmed so much in the past that it will take a long time for them to be able to learn how to move towards you in love.

Finaly, fear and courage are primary components of marriage.  In fact, the discomfort of fear isn't something we can gloss over, sweep under the carpet, or pretend doesn't exist.  However, healthy fear and unhealthy fear are two different animals.  When we self-protect in order to try not to get hurt, this is unhealthy fear because we inevitably harm our partner and ourself.  However, when we risk moving towards our partner withour needs and desires exposed, then we experience a healthy kind of fear that amounts to courage and bravery.  Moreover, we tell each other that despite our imperfections, we want to move towards each other at the core of our hearts but that it is the most terrifying thing we could ever do. 

In summary, marriage is an invitation to relationship and love through truth, grace, fear, and courage.  Choosing to risk love within marriage is one of the most terrifying things we could ever embark upon, but for those who are willing to risk vulnerability over fractured love styles, it is also the place where we find deep feelings of gratitude.