If you generally feel awful, then there are a few potential causes. First, you might simply be going through a phase. Second, and more likely, you aren’t spending very much time with other human beings. You’re isolating, and we were designed for human to human contact. Even if you are spending lots of time with other human beings, then potentially you aren’t being vulnerable. Vulnerability means that you invite others into your life who you trust enough to give them permission to help you out with your defects, yet they fully affirm your personhood and decision making. In turn, you reciprocate. Thus, you really get to know each other. You connect. You help each other with what the other can’t do for themself. This is a huge part of what it means to love one another.
Another possibility I can think of, is that you are connecting with with other human beings and you are being vulnerable (or at least open) but you are connecting with the wrong human beings. Maybe they aren’t open and honest with you. Maybe they are, but they’re unwilling to speak into your life. Or, maybe they’re open, but they won’t allow you to help them with their needs. They are trying to play the parent role. Or, maybe they’ve simply shut themselves off from help. A few other possibilities is that they try to manipulate or control you, or they let you control them. They might often try to analyze you and solve your problems. Conversely, they might avoid you. They might not respond to you. Any of these types of people who aren’t willing to deal with their own defects are unsafe people in your life. If you make yourself vulnerable to these types of people, then you will become even worse yourself.
We primarily have to spend time with safe people in our lives. This is the foundation for being able to help unsafe people later. Safe people are those who are in the process of being open and honest, are open to feedback, and are continually dealing with their old ways of relating to people. They have intentionally gotten the help they need from others instead of trying to figure things out on their own, and they are developing new ways of relating to people. They are becoming more of their own persons and making their own healthy decisions. They are open to your help too as you become more safe.
Do well to stay away from unsafe people as your primary source for human to human interaction. They provide no foundation of support for you in your journey. The best way is to be a part of a larger group of safe people that can support each other as unsafe people enter in order to become healthy themselves.
If you are healthy, or in the process of getting healthy, then please do open yourself to a certain extent to be available for those who want a safe person themself. Whatever your situation, I highly recommend the books “Boundaries” and “Safe People” by Cloud and Townsend to help you navigate safe relationships and how to deal with unsafe ones. In fact, don’t listen so much too me, as to those who are tried and tested. I’m on the beginning of this journey myself--generally speaking over the past 3 years and more specifically--over the past 8 months.
In the end, you’ll have to do more than read a book. Take initiative and find a group of people who is living this kind of lifestyle. If you don’t take action, then nothing will ever change.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Arrogant Evangelism Explained
Some of you might identify with the following experience. There are people who have or will try to convert you to Christianity and you feel like a project of theirs. They have an agenda and you feel like they are treating you like an object. Their love for you is based upon whether or not you become part of their religious group.
There is another camp which I will call the radical grace camp. These are those of us who declare how good God is, simply because we cannot stop from doing so. Frankly, we don’t care who hears about it or not. We cannot help ourselves. If there was no one to listen, we would still talk about Him because it is too frustrating to hold it in.
I’m sure you can see the difference between these two mindsets. One is focused on changing you and one is focused on declaring how good God is. One tries to get you to “become one of us” and the other offers a “room of grace” where anyone can come and find rest.
Why the arrogant evangelism? The answer is that sometimes, if not often, Christians practice the very thing they preach against. They preach against following the rules as a way to get God’s affirmation. We are simply to trust Him and receive His affirmation. Yet, what happens is we inadvertently turn evangelism back into a rule we have to follow. We believe we can feel better about ourselves and our position before God if we can convince someone to follow Jesus.
I can identify. Even just the other day, I could feel a small, negative emotion of arrogance inside of me while I was talking with a friend about God. I realized that I was subtly trying to convince him of what I believe to be true, so that I could feel good about myself. Subconsciously, I was trying to carve a little notch to show that I’d converted someone. I don’t like it when things like this happen, but it is simply a fact that it did.
From a person who generally feels affirmed by God, you'll feel the difference. You won’t feel like the person is trying to convert you. You’ll feel like they are simply sharing with you about who they are as a person. They will share with you openly about their real sin, about God’s rescue of them, and about the great romance they’ve been taken into. They might even invite you to follow them into this great romance, yet you’ll feel that your personal autonomy has been genuinely affirmed, no matter what you choose. You will feel most comfortable with these kinds of Jesus followers because they will treat you like a person instead of an agenda.
To those of you who follow Jesus, let’s remember to share openly about this great romance since it is too ridiculous not to do so, yet let us affirm the personhood and individual decision making of everyone we meet. God has already done so.
There is another camp which I will call the radical grace camp. These are those of us who declare how good God is, simply because we cannot stop from doing so. Frankly, we don’t care who hears about it or not. We cannot help ourselves. If there was no one to listen, we would still talk about Him because it is too frustrating to hold it in.
I’m sure you can see the difference between these two mindsets. One is focused on changing you and one is focused on declaring how good God is. One tries to get you to “become one of us” and the other offers a “room of grace” where anyone can come and find rest.
Why the arrogant evangelism? The answer is that sometimes, if not often, Christians practice the very thing they preach against. They preach against following the rules as a way to get God’s affirmation. We are simply to trust Him and receive His affirmation. Yet, what happens is we inadvertently turn evangelism back into a rule we have to follow. We believe we can feel better about ourselves and our position before God if we can convince someone to follow Jesus.
I can identify. Even just the other day, I could feel a small, negative emotion of arrogance inside of me while I was talking with a friend about God. I realized that I was subtly trying to convince him of what I believe to be true, so that I could feel good about myself. Subconsciously, I was trying to carve a little notch to show that I’d converted someone. I don’t like it when things like this happen, but it is simply a fact that it did.
From a person who generally feels affirmed by God, you'll feel the difference. You won’t feel like the person is trying to convert you. You’ll feel like they are simply sharing with you about who they are as a person. They will share with you openly about their real sin, about God’s rescue of them, and about the great romance they’ve been taken into. They might even invite you to follow them into this great romance, yet you’ll feel that your personal autonomy has been genuinely affirmed, no matter what you choose. You will feel most comfortable with these kinds of Jesus followers because they will treat you like a person instead of an agenda.
To those of you who follow Jesus, let’s remember to share openly about this great romance since it is too ridiculous not to do so, yet let us affirm the personhood and individual decision making of everyone we meet. God has already done so.
Affirmation
Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster. I felt confused and fearful about a number of things I’m facing in my life. Thankfully, I ran into a friend at church who is aware of some of my current, life struggles. He listened to my thoughts of confusion and simply affirmed me regardless of any decisions I choose to make. He spoke words of freedom to me. In fact, it was like God Himself had spoken these words of freedom to me (1 John 3:20). In one moment, I was dead. The next moment, I was alive.
Let’s remember to affirm one another very often with words of freedom which bring life.*
*I believe that the more affirmed we are over time, the more we become aware of God’s constant affirmation even during the periods of time when we don’t feel anyone’s else’s affirmation. There will never come a time during this life, however, when we can live for too long without the affirmation of other human beings. This is God’s design.
Let’s remember to affirm one another very often with words of freedom which bring life.*
*I believe that the more affirmed we are over time, the more we become aware of God’s constant affirmation even during the periods of time when we don’t feel anyone’s else’s affirmation. There will never come a time during this life, however, when we can live for too long without the affirmation of other human beings. This is God’s design.
Baptize Me (Part Two)
A small church in Tucson, called Vineyard Christian Community, baptized me and my friends in 1994. In doing so, they declared that not only had God cleansed us from all of our sin, but they were doing the same to us as well. They knew we would hurt them in various relationships over time. Yet, they chose not to condemn us and freely welcomed us into the community. They had declared our forgiveness before-the-fact, and were not ashamed to call us brothers and sisters.
There are two primary ways a community of believers baptize each other over time. The first is grace and the second is truth. Jesus came into this world to show us both of them (John 1:14). Grace is total forgiveness and affirmation of each other even if it takes time to do so. I say that I forgive you so that you might live. A community which lacks forgiveness of one another is full of dead people. A community which practices grace is full of life.
Truth is closely related to grace because in truth we confront one another when there is a violation. If you hurt me or the community and I or we fail to confront you on that behavior, then this is a failure to love. We essentially say, “We do not love you enough to help cleanse you from your sin so that you can develop positive, healthy relationships.” In a spirit of truth, we help each other move from self-condemnation and outwardly hurtful behavior to self-affirming and uplifting behavior.
Grace and truth go hand-in-hand. They are both affirming, if done in the right manner. They both fall under the umbrella of love, which is the highest command. Let’s remember that God baptizes us (washes us clean) over time in the midst of a spiritual community, through grace and truth.
There are two primary ways a community of believers baptize each other over time. The first is grace and the second is truth. Jesus came into this world to show us both of them (John 1:14). Grace is total forgiveness and affirmation of each other even if it takes time to do so. I say that I forgive you so that you might live. A community which lacks forgiveness of one another is full of dead people. A community which practices grace is full of life.
Truth is closely related to grace because in truth we confront one another when there is a violation. If you hurt me or the community and I or we fail to confront you on that behavior, then this is a failure to love. We essentially say, “We do not love you enough to help cleanse you from your sin so that you can develop positive, healthy relationships.” In a spirit of truth, we help each other move from self-condemnation and outwardly hurtful behavior to self-affirming and uplifting behavior.
Grace and truth go hand-in-hand. They are both affirming, if done in the right manner. They both fall under the umbrella of love, which is the highest command. Let’s remember that God baptizes us (washes us clean) over time in the midst of a spiritual community, through grace and truth.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Baptize Me
Most of us spend our entire lives trying to wash ourselves clean from sin. This is impossible. In fact, God says that our good works are like filthy, dirty rags (Isaiah 64:6).
This doesn’t mean that we should downplay our good works. In fact, we should shout out about our good works because they demonstrate how wonderful God has made us to be able to do these good works (Matthew 5:16). This is the opposite of pride.
However, when we try to use our good works to keep God and others off our back for the bad things we’ve done, then this is like trying to clean ourselves with rags that are filthy, dirty, and putrid. We wash our filthy skin with the dirty rags of arrogance.
The only way we can get clean is through someone else with clean water who can do the job. Essentially, it is God’s pleasure to wash us clean from our sin through taking it on Himself at the cross. It is like He has washed us with the most fresh and clean water we could ever think of. We become cleaner than clean. Maybe even cleaner than that.
Water baptism is a simple yet profound metaphor showing us what is taking place. When we are baptized, we announce to God and those around us that it is God who is washing us clean. It is His action, not our own.
Let’s remember that He must baptize us and that we cannot baptize ourselves.
This doesn’t mean that we should downplay our good works. In fact, we should shout out about our good works because they demonstrate how wonderful God has made us to be able to do these good works (Matthew 5:16). This is the opposite of pride.
However, when we try to use our good works to keep God and others off our back for the bad things we’ve done, then this is like trying to clean ourselves with rags that are filthy, dirty, and putrid. We wash our filthy skin with the dirty rags of arrogance.
The only way we can get clean is through someone else with clean water who can do the job. Essentially, it is God’s pleasure to wash us clean from our sin through taking it on Himself at the cross. It is like He has washed us with the most fresh and clean water we could ever think of. We become cleaner than clean. Maybe even cleaner than that.
Water baptism is a simple yet profound metaphor showing us what is taking place. When we are baptized, we announce to God and those around us that it is God who is washing us clean. It is His action, not our own.
Let’s remember that He must baptize us and that we cannot baptize ourselves.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
The Power of Small Groups
Hanging out in small groups of people who are spiritually healthy is one of the primary ways we grow as human beings. Growing outside of a small group is almost impossible.
Getting into a group that is filled with grace is step one. After that, the mechanics or logistics aren’t entirely that important, so long as the following are in place: The group shares openly and feels a sense of safety. The group practices the biblical aspects of peacemaking with each other (Matthew 18). The group endorses the personhood of each individual and their decision making. The group has some sort of purpose or direction (what it is isn’t always entirely important).
The main thing is to get into a healthy, grace-filled group. 1 Peter 4 says that when we talk to each other, our words have the potential to be the very life giving words of God to each other. It is like we are connecting with God Himself. This is the power of a small group of healthy Christ followers.* The opposite is isolation, which is the beginning of hell.** Are you in a small group where you feel safe to share and empowered to grow? If not, then personal growth is almost impossible.
*Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
**This idea comes from C.S. Lewis, Tim Keller, and my own experience. Isolation can also raise its ugly head in the middle of an unhealthy small group. Everyone can be meeting together, but totally isolated from one another. This is also the beginning of hell. Lewis shows both types of isolation in "The Great Divorce".
Getting into a group that is filled with grace is step one. After that, the mechanics or logistics aren’t entirely that important, so long as the following are in place: The group shares openly and feels a sense of safety. The group practices the biblical aspects of peacemaking with each other (Matthew 18). The group endorses the personhood of each individual and their decision making. The group has some sort of purpose or direction (what it is isn’t always entirely important).
The main thing is to get into a healthy, grace-filled group. 1 Peter 4 says that when we talk to each other, our words have the potential to be the very life giving words of God to each other. It is like we are connecting with God Himself. This is the power of a small group of healthy Christ followers.* The opposite is isolation, which is the beginning of hell.** Are you in a small group where you feel safe to share and empowered to grow? If not, then personal growth is almost impossible.
*Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
**This idea comes from C.S. Lewis, Tim Keller, and my own experience. Isolation can also raise its ugly head in the middle of an unhealthy small group. Everyone can be meeting together, but totally isolated from one another. This is also the beginning of hell. Lewis shows both types of isolation in "The Great Divorce".
Addressing Legalism (Part VII): Miracles, Jealousy, and the Desire for Control
Jesus and His students were hanging out. They said, “Jesus, we tried to stop this guy from driving out demons in your name because he isn’t one of us.” To Jesus, this was ridiculous. “Don’t stop him. Whoever’s not against us is for us” (Mark 9).
Jesus’ students found it less important that this guy was healing people from their demons than the fact that he wasn’t part of their group. That bothered them. They tried to stop him. Can you believe it? They tried to stop someone from healing people! This is the insanity of legalism. Grace says, “Oh, it is so good that this man has healed people from their demons!” The unwritten rules of legalism says, “Why aren’t you with us? What’s wrong with us?”
The root of the problem with Jesus’ students was jealousy and a need to control. I can identify. When I see others doing wonderful ministry who aren’t a part of my group, I sometimes feel this sense of jealousy within my own heart. I have no control over them and this sometimes bothers me. They could be doing great ministry and maybe even better ministry than I am. Moreover, the fact that they’re doing better ministry might be the very thing that’s bothering me.
The only thing that eventually saved Jesus’ students from legalism was their faith in following the perfect non-legalist, who was Jesus. They’d gotten it all wrong. Jesus’ students had a similar mindset as the Teachers of the Law. They were tring to stop this guy from casting out demons (Mark 9) just like the Teachers of the Law had previously tried to stop Jesus from healing people on the Sabbath (Mark 3). The primary difference between the Teachers of the Law and Jesus’ students was that His students followed Him (the grace giver) while the Teachers of the Law rejected Him. His students trusted Him even though they didn’t understand Him.
Eventually, many of Jesus’ students rejected most of their legalism. But, even years later, Paul had to confront Peter for treating Greek followers of Jesus differently from his Jewish brothers who followed Jesus. It was a lengthy process for all of them and still is for us today. We simply need to keep following Jesus, without much worry for what others are doing or saying. If they aren’t against us, then they’re for us. Any other agenda, and we might condemn someone who is healing people from their demons.
Jesus’ students found it less important that this guy was healing people from their demons than the fact that he wasn’t part of their group. That bothered them. They tried to stop him. Can you believe it? They tried to stop someone from healing people! This is the insanity of legalism. Grace says, “Oh, it is so good that this man has healed people from their demons!” The unwritten rules of legalism says, “Why aren’t you with us? What’s wrong with us?”
The root of the problem with Jesus’ students was jealousy and a need to control. I can identify. When I see others doing wonderful ministry who aren’t a part of my group, I sometimes feel this sense of jealousy within my own heart. I have no control over them and this sometimes bothers me. They could be doing great ministry and maybe even better ministry than I am. Moreover, the fact that they’re doing better ministry might be the very thing that’s bothering me.
The only thing that eventually saved Jesus’ students from legalism was their faith in following the perfect non-legalist, who was Jesus. They’d gotten it all wrong. Jesus’ students had a similar mindset as the Teachers of the Law. They were tring to stop this guy from casting out demons (Mark 9) just like the Teachers of the Law had previously tried to stop Jesus from healing people on the Sabbath (Mark 3). The primary difference between the Teachers of the Law and Jesus’ students was that His students followed Him (the grace giver) while the Teachers of the Law rejected Him. His students trusted Him even though they didn’t understand Him.
Eventually, many of Jesus’ students rejected most of their legalism. But, even years later, Paul had to confront Peter for treating Greek followers of Jesus differently from his Jewish brothers who followed Jesus. It was a lengthy process for all of them and still is for us today. We simply need to keep following Jesus, without much worry for what others are doing or saying. If they aren’t against us, then they’re for us. Any other agenda, and we might condemn someone who is healing people from their demons.
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