Emotional Intimacy

When I feel lonely, long for emotional connection with another, or often just feel like I'm missing something, I realize that what I truly long for is a deep and emotional intimacy with God. In this life, even the best marriages, closest war-buddies, or closest spiritual partners lack an emotional intimacy that is constant. In heaven, that emotional intimacy with God will never be severed. Whether married or unmarried, spiritual partner or not, we all have to wait for that deep, never-ending, intimate connection. Once we get there, it starts and goes on forever. In the meantime, we get little glimpses, maybe big glimpses. Marriage, war buddies, and spiritual partners comprise some of those glimpses. But, heaven is the real-deal. It isn't that far off. We get to go pretty soon. That's very cool.

The Absence of Faith and Faith

I remember about two or three years ago that there was a period of about a month where I said, "God, I don't think I believe in you any more." For various reasons during that time, I wondered whether or not my whole belief system was what I really believed or not. Did I really believe in Christ? Did I really believe I was a Christian if it was all true in the first place?

Funny thing is, I talked to God a lot during this process. I kept telling Him, "God, I'm going to have to just live like I'm not a Christian any longer. Go back to believing that when I die, I'll just be put into the ground and slowly decompose. Go back to my naturalistic or agnostic roots. I just don't know who I am or what I believe any longer."

My prayer life during this time actually increased. I'm not sure what happened, but at a certain point, something kicked in. I realized that the love and certainty of God was so much stronger than I had ever come to imagine previously. I wrote a blog called "The Certainty of God".

Here it is:

10 May 2008

The reason we can be totally honest with God is because He doesn't change. He always loves and always welcomes us. The big problem isn’t His uncertainty. It’s our mistaken belief that He isn't certain or that we can't depend on Him. There is something that feels like a paradox here. The best way to begin learning about His certainty is to admit to Him that we don't feel He is certain, safe, or maybe even good! The recovering alcoholics got it right when they proposed to other alcoholics that they turn their will and their lives over the care of God as they understood Him. It isn't that God is relative or uncertain--the problem is that our view of Him is relative or uncertain. God’s so loving, so caring, so certain, and so safe, that we can go to Him and start off by telling Him we don't believe any of it in the first place. The certainty of God is that He’ll start with you, wherever you’re starting at.

Anger and Faith

Sometimes, my deepest moments of faith have come while yelling at God. Getting angry with Him. I don't know how to describe this. It isn't resentment. It isn't bitterness. It isn't pointing the finger at Him. It borderlines sadness. Like I'm missing something. Like I'm missing Him. Somehow, in these emotional moments, I feel like I trust Him more than I ever have before.

Sanctification by Faith

In sanctification by faith, a new question begins to develop as we face the rebellion of our hearts. The question is, "Am I going to let someone love me? Am I going to let them meet a need that I cannot meet on my own?" Further, the person who asks this question goes deeper and says, "I need you to help me with this rebellion, but even more, my heart desires you in the middle of the process, not just you meeting my need." It is a very vulnerable and intimate experience.

This question regards both God and those trusted others we allow into the deepest parts of our lives. Choosing safe people we can trust becomes paramount, second only to our trust in God.

The Temptation to Remask

The mask always wants to go back on. If everyone could just know I have it all together. Then, everything would be okay.