The Absence of Faith and Faith

I remember about two or three years ago that there was a period of about a month where I said, "God, I don't think I believe in you any more." For various reasons during that time, I wondered whether or not my whole belief system was what I really believed or not. Did I really believe in Christ? Did I really believe I was a Christian if it was all true in the first place?

Funny thing is, I talked to God a lot during this process. I kept telling Him, "God, I'm going to have to just live like I'm not a Christian any longer. Go back to believing that when I die, I'll just be put into the ground and slowly decompose. Go back to my naturalistic or agnostic roots. I just don't know who I am or what I believe any longer."

My prayer life during this time actually increased. I'm not sure what happened, but at a certain point, something kicked in. I realized that the love and certainty of God was so much stronger than I had ever come to imagine previously. I wrote a blog called "The Certainty of God".

Here it is:

10 May 2008

The reason we can be totally honest with God is because He doesn't change. He always loves and always welcomes us. The big problem isn’t His uncertainty. It’s our mistaken belief that He isn't certain or that we can't depend on Him. There is something that feels like a paradox here. The best way to begin learning about His certainty is to admit to Him that we don't feel He is certain, safe, or maybe even good! The recovering alcoholics got it right when they proposed to other alcoholics that they turn their will and their lives over the care of God as they understood Him. It isn't that God is relative or uncertain--the problem is that our view of Him is relative or uncertain. God’s so loving, so caring, so certain, and so safe, that we can go to Him and start off by telling Him we don't believe any of it in the first place. The certainty of God is that He’ll start with you, wherever you’re starting at.