Joy and Graditude in the Ordinary

I used to have grand ideas about how to save the world.  I had the following beliefs:

• if I could become a politician who saved the U.S. then that would be extraordinary.  
• if I could write a book that would change people, then that would be extraordinary.  
• if I could start an orphanage, adopt some crack babies, or start an inner-city ministry, then that would be extraordinary.

But, then I ran into my wife.

My wife and I find ourselves in some of the most extraordinary moments as we sit down to eat a meal.  A sense of gratitude and joy often comes over us as we simply thank one another for cooking dinner or washing the dishes following dinner.  A sense of gratitude and joy comes over us as we realize the other person has listened to our vulnerability in sharing some of the fears or failures we experienced during the day.  "Thank you" becomes more than just a polite expression.  It becomes a deep sense of connection to the other person.

As another example, we also experience a sense of gratitude and joy as we share each others accomplishments and successes during the day, along with words of affirmation, a way to endorse the other person's value, worth, and recognition.  "Thank you for affirming me."  It is powerful.

As a final example, we experience a sense of gratitude and joy when we share with each other how we have been blamed, harmed, or hurt, be it a large infraction or a seemingly smaller one.  When our spouse says, "I'm so sorry that happened to you.  That wasn't fair and that person shouldn't have done that to you."  When we say these sorts of things to each other, without trying to fix the other, we validate their feelings and woundedness.

I used to think that I could experience the joy of doing something extraordinary if I saved the world.  Now, I realize that I experience the most gratitude and joy in the simple moments that my wife and I have as we often meet for moments of quiet connectedness to listen, share, validate, and support one another.  It is possible that one day, God might use me to save the world; however, I can't experience the type of gratitude and joy found in such a venture without it sprouting from the deeper sense of gratitude and joy that I experience with my wife at the dinner table for quiet moments of reflection.

This is where God takes us at our core relationship and allows us to move with that core relationship out into the realm of the many.  Saving the world really means husbands, wives, fathers, and mothers who experience deep senses of gratitude and joy in the seemingly ordinary moments of the day and then carry their heart into the world and then those around them are infected by their ordinary joys which infuse into their own spousal and parental relationships.  The extraordinary is truly about others being infected by our seemingly ordinary gratitudes and joys.

"Joy comes to us in moments - ordinary moments.  We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary." - Brene Brown

A Happy Husband is a Happy Life

Now that I’m getting into the whole marriage arena, I’m starting to hear all sorts of expression, commentary, and proverbs about marriage.  A couple months ago, I heard someone say, “I do believe in the expression that a ‘happy wife is a happy life’.”

Well, I have all sorts of thoughts on that one.  It’s true and it isn’t true.  Keeping your wife happy isn’t the goal, but doing good to her is the goal.  In the long run, doing good to your wife, loving her, results in a happy life – in the midst of all sorts of other stuff like pain, sadness, joy, hope, disappointment and fear. 

I digress.

As I thought about writing another blog entry on marriage, a recollection of some friends of mine came to mind and I thought, “Hmm, I know a couple who has done the opposite.”

So, that’s where I came up with the title: “A Happy Husband is a Happy Life”.

Four or five years ago, my friend and his wife chose to do something that I believe has been very healthy for their marriage.  He had previously worked for a power company making a lot of money – at least a lot of money in my book.  At minimum, they didn’t have to worry about finances extensively.   Unfortunately, the job kept him contained in a cubicle, a man who loves to work with his hands clicked away at his computer every day – bored with his occupational life.

After returning from a year overseas working for an NGO, the husband tried out his hand at remodeling, something he’d done before on the side, but never as a primary source of income.  The projects started rolling in and so they decided he would do so as along as it was working out.  Initially the work kept coming in.  But, remodeling and carpentry is an up and down business and the money isn’t as secure as working for a power company.  Times have been hard financially, but they – and more specifically the wife – have stayed with this up and down employment for the past several years. 

It is to the wife that I pay my respect.  Financial security is a very important thing in our lives.  I have a high degree of respect for husbands who work jobs they don’t like in order to support their families.  However, in this situation, she believed that her husband was happier doing remodel work and so she chose to live a more difficult life financially for the sake of her husband’s emotional health, her emotional health, and the health of their children. 

In addition, the situation works very well for her too, since he works out of his garage and out on job projects.  When he’s working at home, she gets to see him, the kids get to see him, they have lunch together, and watch him work through the window.  Thus, it isn’t just that the husband is emotionally healthy due to this choice they’ve made.  They all benefit.

In this life, we will have money and we won’t have money.  I’m not going to try to write out some sort of blanket rule for how we should make our decisions on these sorts of things.  I respect those who choose financial security and also respect those who choose to struggle through job preference as a choice.  I respect them both for different reasons.  It is a choice.  Nevertheless, I share this story with you, simply because I think it is a cool story and one worth sharing.
____________________________
*Note: Before posting this blog entry, I sent it to my friend to whom I'm referring to check it for accuracy and make sure he approved my post.  He said "I approve this message" and he also said he appreciated my take on the situation.  He states that things are on the up right now with his remodeling business, but he also states that "yes" it is an up and down business but that he believes God is good and trustworthy even in the midst of the down times when they come.

Don't Hide

While speaking with a friend of mine at church the other day, he gave me one good piece of advice about being a husband.

"Don't hide."

Getting Old, Getting Real

In the Velveteen Rabbit, two stuffed animals talk about what it means to be loved and to become Real:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.  "It's a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.  "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.  "You becojme.  It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

_____________________________________

Women, decorate and take care of yourselves over your lifetime because your beauty is not dependent upon what culture has told you to believe.  Decorate and take care of yourselves because you are already beautiful.  Men, tell your women often that they are beautiful because you know the truth, which is that they are already beautiful.  Don't roll your eyes due to the fact that they need to hear this from you often and why won't they just believe the truth?  What you need to understand is that it is our role and our power to tell them the truth in this area so that they can believe the truth over time.  Women, this is where you offer your vulnerability.  Men, this is where you nurture their vulnerability.  When they fail to believe you, it isn't because there is something wrong with you, it is because they need your help to believe the truth about themselves.  They really need us and this is where we get to use our strength over and over again.

Men, take care of yourselves physically and emotionally, not so that you can prove your power, but to demonstrate the power you already have.  Your body will break down but your strength will not.  You will have to find new ways to exert the strength you have.  Your power will come from your words.  Men, you have the ability to tell others their identity - your wives, your children, and other men in your life.  As you grow older, your new power becomes your words.  In fact, this is the way you become like God - you instill the words of identity into others.  Your wives and daughters learn their beauty.  Your sons and other men learn their strength. 

Women, believe your men when they tell you who you really are.  Don't demand them to declare words of identity to you.  Instead, invite them to do so and tell them the type of beautiful power they have to do amazing things to your heart.  It is a huge risk to stop demanding and start naming your desires with only an invitation.  Refuse to criticize him for not doing it the way you want him too.  Instead, explain to him how he can be most powerful and how his words can affect you most.  He will know if you are inviting or demanding.  It will take amazing patience.  But, in the end, your man might find the strength he thought he was losing.  Your invitation, instead of your demand, is the way in which you invite his strength.  This is one of the best ways you can love him. 

Synopsis:
Women, believe in your beauty.  Men, declare their beauty.
Men, exert your strength.  Women, invite their strength.

Gottman on Building Trust

What I've found through research is that trust is built in very small moments, which I call "sliding door" moments, after the movie Sliding Doors.  In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.

Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship.  One night, I really wanted to finish a mystery novel.  I thought I knew who the killer was, but I was anxious to find out.  At one point in the night, I put the novel on my bedside and walked into the bathroom. 

As I passed the mirror, I saw my wife's face in the reflection, and she looked sad, brushing her hair.  There was a sliding door moment.

I had a choice.  I could sneak out of the bathroom and think, I don't want to deal with her sadness tonight; I want to read my novel.  But instead, because I'm a sensitive researcher of relationships, I decided to go into the bathroom.  I took the brush from her hair and asked, "What's the matter, baby?"  And she told me why she was sad.

Now, at that moment, I was building trust; I was there for her.  I was connecting with her rather than choosing to think only about what I wanted.  These are the moments, we've discovered, that build trust.

One such moment is not that important, but if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship - very gradually, very slowly.

Taken from an article by researcher John Gottman @ www.greatergood.berkeley.edu who wrote The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples, as quoted by Brene Brown in Daring Greatly.

Struggle

My wife asked me to write a blog about some of the struggles we have faced both prior to marriage and within marriage. I can understand why she's requested this one. A lot of my blog entries could make it seem like we are the perfect couple and why can't I live up to that or why can't my spouse be more like him or her.

The truth is - we all struggle.

My wife and I have our own stories coming into marriage and our own story that we are now developing within marriage. I'm a man and she's a woman. Frankly, we fall into a lot of patterns that are similar to others. When my shame gets triggered, I go silent. When her shame gets triggered, she wants to control. Neither of us wants to do harm to one another, but we do. When I go silent, I'm harming her, despite my desire to do just the opposite. When she gets controlling, she harms me, even though she doesn't want to do so.

Here some examples:

Today, we were talking about finances on our drive. We recently sold our car and have some money. Sounds great right? But, what about how to spend it? That can cause problems. In fact, it has done so already. We've gone back and forth on a number of ways to spend it. I've gone silent and I've tried to control. She's gone silent and tried to control. We've both reacted a number of times and it has taken a lot of emotional risk to keep going back to the discussion to meet each other.

So often in situations like this, I'm tempted to say, "Whatever, just do whatever you want to do with it." This would of course be the worst thing I could do because I'd essentially be saying, "I'm bowing out. I'm not going to stay engaged with you in this process." From her point of view, this would be me telling her that I don't love her. Nevertheless, even though I've stayed in the arena with her, I have still harmed her with my silence and control and she has harmed me with her silence and control. The beauty is that if we choose to stay engaged, then things like our finances can become a place where we form some of our deepest bonds of intimacy, having gone through the process together. The reality is - we've been doing this for three months now and we've only survived about 25% of our budgeting sessions without conflict and hurt.

It is a struggle.

How about other day to day stuff? Let's talk about how to do things around the house. My wife is someone who values efficiency. I'm someone who never does anything efficiently. My wife is someone who thinks about all the ways that something can be accomplished. I'm someone who thinks about what problems may arise. My wife is open to relationships. I'm more selective and often fearful. My wife drives aggressively. I drive tentatively. Can you see the conflict inherent in this relationship?

I love my wife, but I really have to believe the truth, which is that she isn't my enemy when everything wants to tell me that she is. So often we can believe that the other person is out to make us men feel like we aren't good enough or make us women feel like we're too much. The reality is that we have to declare those beliefs as utterly false so that we can find what is deep down in our hearts, and often hard to find - that they aren't the enemy and that we want to do good to them.

I know that many of you might be thinking - but what if I don't know whether or not I want to do good or do harm to my spouse or not? This sort of ambivalence causes a lot of shame and guilt, especially for those of us who have been engaged in years of cycles of harm.

The reality is that we are all mixtures of goodness and harm. There is a dark side of us that wants to harm - truly. There is a good side of us that wants to do good - truly. The thing we have to remember is that our true self - the one that God has created - wants to do good. No matter how loud the voice of the dark side might be (sounds like Darth Vader here) we have to ask God to help us find that something deep down inside us, which is our desire is to do good to our spouse. When we engage with our spouse and try to believe that they aren't against us, then much can be accomplished in terms of intimacy and emotional health.

Commentary Question: What changes have you made in your marriage to help work through struggles?

One Car

In college, I went to an event in our dorm on creative dating.  The man who presented had written a book about he and his wife and their creative dating practices.  I can’t remember his name or the book he wrote, but I do remember one thing.  He said, “My wife and I drive one car.  On purpose.  Our driving times together are times that we get to talk without interruption.  A lot of good, quality time happens during those drives.”

Now, I’m not saying that you need to drop down to one car, if you have two.  And, you might even need two cars, depending on your situation.  However, even if you have two cars, my question is – how often do you drive each other to work?  Or, if that isn't a possibility, how often do you drive together to different functions, errands, and different events when it would be easier to use two cars?

My wife and I currently have one car.  I don’t want to judge anyone for how they run their lives logistically.  However, if we might buy another car in the future, my hope is that we intentionally drive each other to different places reasonably often, even if we get a second car.  We’ll see what happens when the rubber meets the road.  

Comment Question: What are some things that you and your spouse do to increase the amount of uninterrupted quality time?

Do Good Once a Day

In my last blog entry, I talked about how if you practice saying "I love you" to your wife once a day, then it will probably turn into more than once a day.

Similarly, for either husband or wife, if you try to do one good thing a day to him or her, then you will probably begin to do two, three, or four good things to him or her a day over time.  Once-a-day turns into more-than-once-a-day.  It has the opportunity to snowball. 

When we do good to our spouse, simply for the sake of doing good to them, it becomes very powerful and life giving.  This is hardest for struggling marriages, and that is why I say - give it a try just once a day.  That way it doesn't have to be so overwhelming.  Just try doing good once a day and see where it takes you.

Oh, and if you want to take a huge risk, ask your partner, "What is something good I could do to you today?"  What you think and what they think might be very different.  Especially across the sexes.

I Love You

Men, I heard this guy say one time that he makes sure to tell his wife that he loves her at least once a day. I decided to follow suit and I've done it ever since. Truth be told, once I started this practice, it turned into more than once a day. I think that in many things with our spouses, an intentional once-a-day can turn into more-than-once-a-day, almost without meaning to. 

Oh, and by the way, it doesn't get old for them to hear you say "I love you", especially when your desire is to do good to them out of an honest heart.  There are all of the in-between moments or regular occurances throughout the day, but then there are also those crucial times when they are down about something and they need to hear your words say "I love you", not to try to fix them in that moment but simply to know that you love them in the middle of it.

Double Dating

In recent entries, I've stressed the need to find and grab hold of our own individual interests and the need to endorse the interests of our partner.  This is part of the individuation we need in our marriage relationships - the need to be our own person.  On the flip side, there are a few mutual things we need to cultivate and nuture as well.

One of those activities is double-dating.  I'm sure that now or in the past that you've run into that newly married couple who used to hang out with ya'll, but now they're married and you never see them for the light of day.

That kind of couple has got to get themselves out into the world.

You and your spouse have got to get outside yourselves.  Dinner-out and a movie can only go so far.  You gotta get out there.  You need to double-date.  See, most singles think they have it made once they get married because they have that companion that doesn't have to go home at the end of the evening.  And yes, this is very true in-and-of-itself.  The reality is, however, we all know that our spouse, dinner, TV, and a movie won't cut it over time.  Boring.  Boring.  Boring. 

Our spouses might not be boring in-and-of-themselves, but give it enough time without any outside contact to the world and even the most interesting Las Vegas showtime entertainer won't catch your eye for much longer.  In addition, reclusing into your own two-selves for long periods of time just isn't psychologically healthy.  We were designed for relationship.  Our partner was designed to be our primary human source for relationship, but not our only one. 

So, it's time to get out there.  Feels strange to say this, but it's sort of like dating all over again.  A number of married couples already have a network of built in double-dating relationships and somehow they knew the need to get out there and be with other couples. On the other hand, a number of us (me included) would sink into the recesses of our homes if we didn't intentionally force ourselves to get out there and meet the rest of the world.  For those of you in this boat, those of you who eat the same meal every day, watch the same news program every night, and take the same route to work every day - you're going to have the greatest difficulty.  How in the world are we supposed to find others to double-date?  Who do we do this with?  How do we get out there?

In our Cable TV, Wireless Internet, Wii, PlayStation, Netflix, and Hulu based culture, double-dating can present a bit of a problem if you aren't already a part of a community.  This is in contrast to the experience most of us had in high school and for those of us who went to college.  We hung out with our friends in-between classes during high school and drove off campus during lunch time with upper classmen friends.  We went to high school football games, participated in clubs and organizations, and then hung out on weekends at parties or just at friends' houses.  During college, we lived in the dorms, met people, and did life with lots of others.  We ate lunch and dinner, studied together, played paintball, went rock climbing, middle-of-the-night Walmart runs, fraternity and sorority events, religious club activities, and dorm social activities.  The whole lifestyle was conducive to activities outside the dorm room.  Dating and double dating and hanging out were almost effortless, at least for a number of people.  When we leave college, get married, and especially have children, the getting-out-there process becomes more difficult. If we never socialized much growing up, then the task becomes even more daunting.

Neverthless, you and your spouse have a desperate need to get out there with others.  It really is a life or death situation - at least psychologically and spiritually speaking.

There are two ways I can think of to start meeting other couples and start going out on those double-dates, and I'm sure there are plenty of other ways.  First, I think Meetup.com and other social websites are a great place to start.  Sit down with your spouse at the computer, iPad, or iPhone and start searching.  What would you guys like to try out?  Maybe Meetup.com Horseback riding.  How about Meetup hiking or painting.  One time I looked up writer's groups and found like five or ten of them right in my own area.  There are all sorts of things on the site.  In fact, there probably is some sort of married-couple-double-dating Meetup for all I know.  Truth be told, I haven't even looked.  But, there's a ton of stuff out there.

Another way to meet others is to hook up with your church if you happen to be religious.  Religious centers are designed specifically to bring people together.  Meet some of those other married couples.  Attend a marriage class.  Go to the church volleyball picnic or the church-wide family pool party.  Say "hi" to someone.  Once you feel comfortable, see if your spouse feels comfortable asking out such-and-such a couple to a baseball game, coffee, or to play more volleyball.  Maybe you invite a couple of couples to a barbecue at your home or in the park.  Make sure your partner feels comfortable too, or it'll backfire.  You might have to wait a little bit or look for another couple they feel comfortable asking out.  Remember, you're doing this dating thing as a couple now.

One concern that I hope you have right now as I make these suggestions is this - how do I know these new people are safe?  Well, remember that one thing you don't have to do is ask them out right away.  You can hang out in those Meetup's or church activities for a long time before you ask anyone on a double-date. 

The other great resource I strongly recommend is a book called Safe People by Cloud and Townsend.  A complimentary book to go along with it is Boundaries by the same authors.  The idea is to get yourself out there as a couple, gather up the courage to ask others out, and take some emotional risks, while keeping in mind some of the principles found the books Safe People and Boundaries.

On a final note, you might be wondering how often you should be getting out there for a double-date?  How often should we be try hanging out with a new couple?  The reality is that we are all different and we all have our own sets of fears, much less the fact that our lives are so busy and fast paced anyway.  My wife and I generally seem to be doing a double-date about one to three times a month - and I'm even lumping lunches, visits to their house, and coffee into the mix, much less more creative type dates.  This is made much easier by the fact that we are already part of a church community and that we're already intentional about getting ourselves out there.  If you and your partner haven't tried doing this before and it feels scary, why not just try to do a double-date once-a-month?  That goal is achievable, and if you guys start liking the whole thing, then it will probably turn into more than once-a-month.

So, if you seem stuck or if you keep meeting with the same couple once every two months but can't seem to break into any new couples for a double-date, then you're gonna have to take a risk and do the whole Meetup.com thing or the church activity thing or something like that. 

Several years ago, I read a book by Henry Cloud called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping.  The book was for singles, but I think it applies to married couples as well.  In the book, Cloud recommends that those in their thirties, who haven't successfully found a marriage partner, try to date at least five people at a time.  I'm not talking five serious relationships - I'm talking about going out on dates for the sole purpose of going out on dates - nothing else.  I tried it out and by the time I got to person three or four, I actually ran into my now current wife.  The point was to stop thinking and start dating - just get out there.

Similar to dating singles, double-dating is the same.  You gotta get out there and go on some initial dates with these other couples.  It doesn't mean you're going to be best friends with them for the rest of your lives.  In fact, maybe you decide you don't like the couple after the first double-date and you never go out with them again.  There's nothing wrong with that.  On the other hand, maybe you'll find a couple or two couples or three couples or more that you can do things with on a regular basis. 

As spouses, it is crucial to get outside ourselves for the psychological health of our marriages and our children.  Our spouse and our children were never designed to bear the weight of our full set of needs.  The larger community has been provided to complement our families and meet our needs and desires as our additional resources.  As married couples, one need we have is relationship with other married couples.  Double-dating is a great way to improve the health of your marriage.

Refuse Anything Less Than Equality

Refuse anything less than equality with your spouse. 

So many of us go into relationships because we want to rescue or be rescued, teach or be taught, fix or be fixed.  All of these sorts of relationships are ones of inequality. 

I decided early on to believe the truth, which was that my wife (then girlfriend) was my equal.  I decided to listen to her and refused to think about how I was going to respond until after she had finished.  I decided to speak to her before I knew whether or not I was right or wrong.  I decided to take her seriously.  I decided to take myself seriously.

In equality, we decide to let the other person be in their own process in life and with God and with others. We stop trying to change them.  We share our desires, but we refuse to make demands. We have healthy boundaries and respect theirs as well. We allow their involvement and decide to let them in but refuse to succumb to their every whim.

In equality, we refuse to rescue or be rescued, teach or be taught, fix or be fixed.  We see each other for who we really are - a mixture of good and bad - and we decide that both of us have much to offer and much to learn from.  We meet them in each and every conversation on the same level and refuse to downplay either their desires or our own desires.

We meet them as our equal.

Learn Everything You Can From Them

Learn everything you can from your spouse.

There.  I said it.

This is a source of conflict for many couples.  The reason is that once we get to know our spouses, we begin to see all of their flaws and that makes it difficult to learn from them.  However, opening up ourselves to learn from our partner is actually a very difficult, but very rewarding way we can extend grace to them. 

If I open myself up to learning from my partner, then I am telling them, "I know all of the flaws, all of the sin, and all of the dysfunction between you and me.  Nevertheless, I'm going to try to find all the things I can to learn from you because you have value and you have things I can learn."

When a husband opens himself up to learning from his wife, then she feels that he's inviting her involvement and she feels loved.  When a wife opens herself up to learning from her husband, then he feels respected, endorsed, and maybe even admired.

Oh, and one more thing.  When you learn something from them - tell them about it.  In the moment you tell them what you've learned from them, it is like the power of God has run through you and spoken to them.  It is truly amazing.  It is grace running through us into them and it becomes addictive - a joy.

Take an Interest in Their Interests

A couple years ago I had coffee with someone who said this, "I read some author a long time ago who says to take an interest in your spouse's interests. So, that is what I try to do. For example, sometimes I take her to to the bookstore and we have to find books that we've never read before. Then we share with each other about the books, why we chose them, and why they interest us. It helps us to keep remembering that we need to learn about our spouse's interests."

Well, let me tell you something - I recorded that idea in the old data banks and saved it for a later date. When my wife and I first started dating, I took her to a bookstore and that's what I did. I called it a "bookstore activity".   I told her we had 30 minutes to find 3 books that we'd never read before and then we'd meet to share about why we chose them after the 30 minutes.  During our time of sharing, I found out that one of her interests was gardening. Several months later, I bought her some antique style gardening tools for Christmas.  I was able to apply what I had learned about her.

Taking an interest in the other person's interests doesn't mean we try to force ourselves to like what they like, but it does mean that we try to find different ways to endorse their interests.  I'm not planning on gardening this fall as much as my wife plans to do, but I do plan to help her out as I can and to ask her about her plans and what she wants to do with her gardening.

Try to discover your spouse's interests.  Try a bookstore activity or simply ask them about their interests.  Ask them what activities or dreams they've given up on over the years.  Why have they given them up?  Why have they stopped painting, writing poetry, cycling, or training dogs competitively?  Encourage your spouse to try out new things that might generate new interests. 

Cautions

• Don't try to get your spouse to like what you like.
• Don't secretly hope your spouse will begin to like what you like.
• Don't feel guilty for not liking what your spouse likes.
• Simply take an interest in their interests.  It is much more rewarding and satisfying.
• Shared interests will come over time.
• Let them have their own set of individual interests. 

Disclaimer
If you and your spouse have lots of individual interests and few shared interests, then maybe it's time to do the opposite and figure out some ways to find shared interests.  But, that's a topic for another blog entry.

Make Theft a Priority

In teaching, we talk about how the best teachers, in reality, are just good at stealing. We intentionally seek out the best teachers and then steal from them.

I recently read a book called "Steal Like an Artist" by Austin Kleon that reminded me of something that I want to share with you about how I do relationship with my wife.

I steal.

Here are a few ideas. Find good spouses and steal from them. Listen to them. Take note of the things you see them doing that keeps the relationship authentic or fresh. Attend marriage classes, invite your spouse to counseling if they are willing, read books or websites on creative dating, find books on how to love, and and most of all - keep your eyes open.

Make theft a priority.

The Internet is a great place to find all sorts of stuff on creative dating and lots of practical ideas on how to show your spouse that you love them. One time I found a website called "101 ways to show your wife that you love her", or something like that. My wife and I were only dating at the time but I stole religiously from that site.

Making theft a priority is such a good idea because we all have so many weird ideas about what our spouse may or may not like, but the truth is that if we don't make stealing a habit, then we're probably only hitting a fraction of the ways in which they desire to be loved by us. So, steal openly and try things out on your spouse. Have a rule that each of you can tell each other what you like and don't like. The idea is to steal lots of stuff and then see what part of your stolen goods works for them in particular. Over time, through communicating with your spouse, you'll begin to learn more about the things that he or she loves.

Write Notes to Her Everyday

Try to write a note to your wife everyday but give yourself grace when you don't. She will know your desire over time to do good to her. Oh, and don't worry about running out of ideas. The more you write notes to her, the more the ideas will come.