Speaking Their Language

Last year, my wife, then girlfriend, and I went to a ballet called "Ballet Under The Stars" in a local park.  The night air was crisp, the stage lighting was excellent, and the dancers were talented. 

We attended the event with her brother and sister-in-law.  During the highlight of the show, while probably the best routine was being performed, I was literally about to utter, "Wow, this is powerful."

Just before I said these words, my wife's sister-in-law said, "Wow, this is beautiful."

I chuckled a little under my breath.  Here we were, watching the exact same show, and my first words were about power and her first words were about beauty.  Same observation, completely different interpretation.

Or was it?

If we take a coin, then on one side is beauty and on the other side is strength.  It is a paradox of being one-in-the-same coin and yet opposite sides, just as with gender, men and women are both humans who unite as one flesh and yet are so different from one another.  A man and a woman unite and paradoxically can help each other to become more masculine and more feminine, thus even more distinct from one another, yet even more united as one flesh - a mysterious, glorious, fearful process.

Anyway, let's get back to the practical point I'm making.

Men and women speak differently.  We all know that.  However, have you ever thought of trying to speak your partner's language?  What if the two of you were looking out at a sunset or a sky full of stars, and as a man, you looked to your beautiful woman and said, "These stars are beautiful and they are like a decoration to go with your beauty.  You are beautiful."

What if you were a woman looking at the sunset or the sky full of stars and said, "This sky is powerful, the sheer massiveness of it is so powerful, and it moves me.  The stars move planets and you move me.  You are powerful and you move me."

The point I'm trying to make here is that as couples, we need to practice trying to put things into the language of our spouses.  It is truly a cross-cultural arrangement and we must dare and risk speaking to our spouses, not as we wish to be spoken to, but as they desire.

The best way to do this is to ask, "How can I speak to you in the way that affects you?"  Or, try stuff out, and then ask, "Did you like the way I expressed that to you?" 

This is a good way to start.

Calling for No Reason

I heard a guy say one time that he calls his wife a couple times a day for no reason at all.  He just wants her to know that he's thinking of her.

I took this guy up on his advice and I probably call my wife at least once a day for no reason at all.  No appointment to schedule.  No mutual chore that we need to embark upon.  No item on the agenda.  None of that.  I just call to say "Hi, how are you?"  That's it.

This is very vulnerable for us as men and maybe even downright scary, but give it a try.  The reason you're calling isn't for an item on the agenda.  It's just so she knows you're thinking of her and her heart.  It helps her to feel more open and safe with you.

Oh, and it doesn't have to be a 30 minute phone call that's going to ruin work for you.  My calls are usually an average of 3 minutes, which surprises me because we like to talk to each other.  Anyway, if your wife is a talker, just tell her you need to get back to work but you wanted to know how she was doing.  That's okay.

Of course, it can get more complicated than that and who's to say who's working during what hours and when each of you is free or not free for a phone call.  Maybe she's a nurse and busier than you and you have to leave a voicemail.  The point is that she knows your desire is there.  She'll appreciate the voicemail as well.

Good luck men.

Take a Walk

My wife told me to write this blog - Take a Walk.  Here it is:

One of the things we really like to do is take walks.  We've realized this is something that is very important to us.  See, we're really good at talking and communicating, but sometimes it helps to do so while taking a walk.  I'm not sure really why, but the physical activity plus talking works really well.

Taking a walk can be really vulnerable, because there's nothing to do.  All you can do is talk.  And, if you aren't talking, then you have to deal with the silence.  I highly recommend turning off your cell phone.  Frankly, it can almost feel scary - turning off that cell phone.  If you've got kids that may or may not be an option, but if you can create a situation where you can turn off your cell phone, then that's the best option.

Walks tend to bring out scary conversations like, "Can we talk about our dreams and our future?"  Whew!  Why can't we just be okay with right now? - this is what I am thinking when she asks this question.  But, the reality is that a walk is a great time to process through what's happening in life right now, as well as talking about what our hopes and dreams are for the future.

So, the next time you and your spouse are trying to think of something to do, instead of downloading a movie or driving to Red Box, try taking a walk sometimes.