Friday, May 11, 2012
Melody Beattie on Letting Go
Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness, and love, as much as possible. ~Melody Beattie
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
The Worst Form of Murder
I believe that self-protection is the worst form of murder.
- Isolation
- Aggression
- Manipulation
- Unwillingness to be wrong
- Unwillingness to be right
- Silence
- Wearing a mask that says "everything is okay"
- Avoidance
- Abuse
- Perpetual analysis
- Being extremely "clingy"
- Being passive
- Lack of repentance
- A lack of boundaries
- Too many boundaries that amount to walls
- Giving in all the time
- Never giving in
- Comparing one to another
- Critical spirit
- A constant desire for control
- An unwillingness to hear the other person's heart
- An unwillingness to forgive
- Rarely listening (ignoring or thinking about what to say next instead of listening)
- Rarely speaking up
- Complaining all the time
- Being on guard all the time
There are so many others, but these are big ones. In each of these forms of self-protection, we raise up an invisible wall that prevents intimacy. A marriage, family, or friendship that exists under any or a number of these types of self-protection turns into an utter and unwarranted type of loneliness over time.
This type of loneliness is a kind of death. I believe it is the worst form of murder because it is so deceptive. The perpetrator hasn't physically killed another, but he or she has emotionally murdered the other. It is so subtle, but it is so devastating. Sometimes the perpetrator and/or victim aren't even aware of doing these things and sometimes they are. Often the perpetrator and the victim are interchangeable and harm one another. No matter the pattern, these forms of self-protection essentially turn perpetrators and victims into a walking dead persons.
This type of loneliness is a kind of death. I believe it is the worst form of murder because it is so deceptive. The perpetrator hasn't physically killed another, but he or she has emotionally murdered the other. It is so subtle, but it is so devastating. Sometimes the perpetrator and/or victim aren't even aware of doing these things and sometimes they are. Often the perpetrator and the victim are interchangeable and harm one another. No matter the pattern, these forms of self-protection essentially turn perpetrators and victims into a walking dead persons.
Mark Twain on Right Conduct
Laws control the lesser man. Right conduct controls the greater one. - Mark Twain
Doing Good
This quote from Twain reminds me of a change that occurred in my heart last year. When I started dating my fiancee, I asked God to help me to have a desire to do good to her. This was different from my previous ways of thinking. I mainly used to try to keep away from bad stuff and try to do good stuff in order to make sure that no one was angry with me. That's what it means to "follow the law" as Twain speaks of. But with my fiancee, something had changed. I asked God to help me to do good, simply for the sake of doing good. Not to keep her happy, but to do good to her. This is what Twain means by "right conduct". I call it "doing-good". Doing good simply to do good to your spouse or others is a change in mindset that can restore a marriage or keep a good marriage healthy.
Nice Guys and Bad Asses: The Search for Caring yet Effective Men
One point of clarification: doing good to someone doesn't mean they are always happy with you, especially in the short term. Nice guys finish last because they are ineffective, not because they are nice. Unfortunately, many women fall for bad asses, not because they truly want a bad ass, but because they are looking for men who are effective at loving them. Overly nice guys are ineffective yet caring. Bad asses are effective, yet uncompassionate. Men, what they are looking for is someone who is compassionate, yet effective. You need to stand your ground in your love. Giving in to what someone else wants isn't always the best way to love. Doing good is. Somehow, there is a balance between standing our ground by being our true selves and yet at the same time learning how to give up control and enter things we feel uncomfortable with at times. This interplay of holding boundaries at times and expanding them at times is messy and scary, but it is a road worth going down. Doing-good requires both. A man who does so is a caring, yet effective.
Results
I believe right-conduct or doing-good starts at the core with our spouse or partner, but it goes beyond that relationship into our lives with others and the community at large. We don't need the law to keep us in line. We want to do good to others simply for the sake of doing good to others. I actually have felt more close to God than ever before because I think that in doing-good for no other motivation than to do good is sort of what it is like to be God. Thus, I believe He has helped me to identify more with Him as He has awakened me to emulating Him.
Doing Good
This quote from Twain reminds me of a change that occurred in my heart last year. When I started dating my fiancee, I asked God to help me to have a desire to do good to her. This was different from my previous ways of thinking. I mainly used to try to keep away from bad stuff and try to do good stuff in order to make sure that no one was angry with me. That's what it means to "follow the law" as Twain speaks of. But with my fiancee, something had changed. I asked God to help me to do good, simply for the sake of doing good. Not to keep her happy, but to do good to her. This is what Twain means by "right conduct". I call it "doing-good". Doing good simply to do good to your spouse or others is a change in mindset that can restore a marriage or keep a good marriage healthy.
Nice Guys and Bad Asses: The Search for Caring yet Effective Men
One point of clarification: doing good to someone doesn't mean they are always happy with you, especially in the short term. Nice guys finish last because they are ineffective, not because they are nice. Unfortunately, many women fall for bad asses, not because they truly want a bad ass, but because they are looking for men who are effective at loving them. Overly nice guys are ineffective yet caring. Bad asses are effective, yet uncompassionate. Men, what they are looking for is someone who is compassionate, yet effective. You need to stand your ground in your love. Giving in to what someone else wants isn't always the best way to love. Doing good is. Somehow, there is a balance between standing our ground by being our true selves and yet at the same time learning how to give up control and enter things we feel uncomfortable with at times. This interplay of holding boundaries at times and expanding them at times is messy and scary, but it is a road worth going down. Doing-good requires both. A man who does so is a caring, yet effective.
Results
I believe right-conduct or doing-good starts at the core with our spouse or partner, but it goes beyond that relationship into our lives with others and the community at large. We don't need the law to keep us in line. We want to do good to others simply for the sake of doing good to others. I actually have felt more close to God than ever before because I think that in doing-good for no other motivation than to do good is sort of what it is like to be God. Thus, I believe He has helped me to identify more with Him as He has awakened me to emulating Him.
Richard Gere on Bravery
I don't think that bravery is about skin. Bravery is about a willingness to show emotional need. - Richard Gere
This quotation is threatening to most men, and of course to a lot of women. But, for men, to show emotional need is to allow someone to enter, which is scary because it is so vulnerable. Admitting emotional need and allowing another to help meet that need means they might be able to harm you. There is a willingness to give up control in order to risk love. It is utterly scary. This is exactly why it is called bravery.
Pema Chodron has a quote which I love. It says, "Compassion is learning to relax and moving towards what scares us." For men, allowing another person to come into contract with our emotions is terrifying. We have a hard time relaxing. To those of you who are women, my advice is to ask permission before offering to meet a man's emotional need. Slowly, they might permit you to help and they will be imperfect at it even if they try. But, permission is the key.
This quotation is threatening to most men, and of course to a lot of women. But, for men, to show emotional need is to allow someone to enter, which is scary because it is so vulnerable. Admitting emotional need and allowing another to help meet that need means they might be able to harm you. There is a willingness to give up control in order to risk love. It is utterly scary. This is exactly why it is called bravery.
Pema Chodron has a quote which I love. It says, "Compassion is learning to relax and moving towards what scares us." For men, allowing another person to come into contract with our emotions is terrifying. We have a hard time relaxing. To those of you who are women, my advice is to ask permission before offering to meet a man's emotional need. Slowly, they might permit you to help and they will be imperfect at it even if they try. But, permission is the key.
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