Feeling Awful

If you generally feel awful, then there are a few potential causes. First, you might simply be going through a phase. Second, and more likely, you aren’t spending very much time with other human beings. You’re isolating, and we were designed for human to human contact. Even if you are spending lots of time with other human beings, then potentially you aren’t being vulnerable. Vulnerability means that you invite others into your life who you trust enough to give them permission to help you out with your defects, yet they fully affirm your personhood and decision making. In turn, you reciprocate. Thus, you really get to know each other. You connect. You help each other with what the other can’t do for themself. This is a huge part of what it means to love one another.

Another possibility I can think of, is that you are connecting with with other human beings and you are being vulnerable (or at least open) but you are connecting with the wrong human beings. Maybe they aren’t open and honest with you. Maybe they are, but they’re unwilling to speak into your life. Or, maybe they’re open, but they won’t allow you to help them with their needs. They are trying to play the parent role. Or, maybe they’ve simply shut themselves off from help. A few other possibilities is that they try to manipulate or control you, or they let you control them. They might often try to analyze you and solve your problems. Conversely, they might avoid you. They might not respond to you. Any of these types of people who aren’t willing to deal with their own defects are unsafe people in your life. If you make yourself vulnerable to these types of people, then you will become even worse yourself.

We primarily have to spend time with safe people in our lives. This is the foundation for being able to help unsafe people later. Safe people are those who are in the process of being open and honest, are open to feedback, and are continually dealing with their old ways of relating to people. They have intentionally gotten the help they need from others instead of trying to figure things out on their own, and they are developing new ways of relating to people. They are becoming more of their own persons and making their own healthy decisions. They are open to your help too as you become more safe.

Do well to stay away from unsafe people as your primary source for human to human interaction. They provide no foundation of support for you in your journey. The best way is to be a part of a larger group of safe people that can support each other as unsafe people enter in order to become healthy themselves.

If you are healthy, or in the process of getting healthy, then please do open yourself to a certain extent to be available for those who want a safe person themself. Whatever your situation, I highly recommend the books “Boundaries” and “Safe People” by Cloud and Townsend to help you navigate safe relationships and how to deal with unsafe ones. In fact, don’t listen so much too me, as to those who are tried and tested. I’m on the beginning of this journey myself--generally speaking over the past 3 years and more specifically--over the past 8 months.

In the end, you’ll have to do more than read a book. Take initiative and find a group of people who is living this kind of lifestyle. If you don’t take action, then nothing will ever change.