How to Stop the Fighting

Okay. I'm going out on a limb here. I believe that what I'm about to say is correct, but it probably isn't the full answer. Nevertheless, I proceed. Here is a principle I believe worth considering.

When someone, such as your spouse, hurts you - name your feelings. Then leave space for them to digest.

I'm not saying that the conversation ends here; in fact, it is where the conversation begins. What I mean is that when we name our feelings, we name who we are and how we have been affected.

We don't run away. We don't get defensive. We don't try to correct the other person or try to get them to understand why they are wrong and we are right. We don't do any of that. We simply name our feelings. Our feelings themselves name the hurt and point towards our desire.

Here are some examples:

Fighting: All you ever do is spend money frivilously. You are wreckless and we aren't going to be able to buy a home because you keep buying stereo systems for your car or playing golf at private courses on the weekend.
Naming: I feel afraid. I feel insecure. I feel unsafe.

Fighting: You're never home. Don't you care about me? Do you love me or do you love your job?
Naming: I miss you.

Fighting: Stop trying to control me. I know how to fix the sink and if I don't know how to then I'll figure it out. Stop trying to micromanage me.
Naming: I feel unbelieved in.

Fighting: You don't care about our son. You never go to his baseball games because you're working "overtime" on another project. You aren't involved in his life. You are a horrible father.
Naming: I feel lonely. I feel isolated. I feel unsupported. I feel empty.

When we start from our feelings, then our partner has the opportunity to experience who we are and might be more open to our desires. They have opporunity to digest our feelings and experience how they have harmed us. In addition, I believe it gives the partner the opportunity and space to develop real desire to move towards us. A person who sits with our feelings of missing them, of feeling insecure, afraid, controlled, unsupported, empty, or unbelieved in, in due time may be more open to doing things to demonstrate security, support, involvement, and belief in us. This is because when we name our feelings and who we are, it isn't inherently offensive or demanding. When our partner doesn't feel our demands, then they are more open to listening to our desires. In fact, I believe that naming our feelings instead of going on the offensive disarms both us and our partner and our desires are more able to be expressed and received.

Initially, the other party might feel like we've gone on the offensive, but if we give them the space to digest our emotions, then they might begin to entertain the ways in which they can move towards us and enter these sorts of conversations with us. A desire might grow inside them to come home, let us fix the sink imperfectly, attend our son's baseball game with us, and work with us to put money towards a down payment on a home over time.

But...

If we fight, their desire will never change. If we name our emotions and who we are, then I believe it is more possible that they might move towards us and touch our desires.