Messed Up Repentance

Here are words and phrases that make me cringe when I hear the word "repentance".

*refrain
*more commitment
*I "repented" of that sin
*turn away from sin
*I need to learn to control my emotions and repent of my anger
*I shouldn't be thinking this way
*I gotta stop being so selfish

Oh, how I wish we could get our stupid little Christian ears to listen to the non-religious once in a while. I mean seriously. What does the word repentance mean anyway? To be honest, I had never even heard the term until I entered Christian religious circles. And don't tell me that the word repentance is in the Bible and that it isn't just a word based on culture. Yes, I know that it is in the Bible and I know that it means something along the lines of turning around. But, what I'm talking about here is the way in which it is often interpreted by us as religious persons.

I've heard somewhere that we make the mistake of backing up away from hell one step at a time instead of turning around and running towards heaven. To me, this is the essence of repentance.

However, this is where it gets tricky. The temptation is to beat ourselves up because we don't think that we are capable, deserving, or desirous of such actions. To run towards heaven and all that is good seems daunting and downright impossible.

But this is true repentance. First, we acknowledge that we are incapable of doing anything about our sin. We are incapable of backing away from hell. This idea I borrow directly from Bill Thrall. But, I think repentance goes further than this. I believe true repentance says that there is nothing we can do about our sin, AND that we have a desire to do good to others and to run to heaven.

Whoa. Wait a minute. What in the world does that mean? How can I simultaneously have both? The answer is that those who bear the Holy Spirit also bear God's very desires to do good to those around us. His heart lives inside us and we carry His heart. Repentance means we acknowledge that we carry these desires inside us but that we have no ability to carry them out. We simultaneously carry the desire to walk away from hell and run towards heaven, yet at the same time we simultaneously have the inability to back away from hell or run to heaven.

Yet, the desire is there.

This is where I want to point out something I believe is very crucial. I can't skip desire. I can't go to God in prayer and tell Him, "God, I desire to do good to my wife/supervisor/friend. Help me to love them more." We must step back even further in repentance.

We say, "God, where is my desire? I can't find it. God, please help me find this desire. I don't even know if its true that I have this desire. God, if you don't help me find this desire, then I am lost. I am going to hang on You on this one. Dear God, please help me find this desire. Where is it?" This question is really the next step in repentance after we've already admitted there's nothing we can do about our sin. Once we start by asking God to help us find our desire to do good, then we have already acknowledged that He put it there in the first place, apart from us. This is repentance. This is humility. This is a humble character. This turns our hearts into things that can fight for our spouses, loved ones, friends, and yea - even our enemies.

Thus, here are words or phrases I like that are associated with repentance:

*admission
*open hands
*taking a chance on God's protection
*admitting desire might be inside us
*asking to find that desire
*risking desire
*asking God to help us move towards our desire to do good
*trying to do good and seeing what happens

In repentance, we admit we can do nothing about our sin and we ask God to help us find our desire to do good to others and to ourselves. Once we catch a glimpse of the desire He has put into us, it is like a little bit of yeast that works itself through the whole dough; it is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of seeds, but one that grows into a large tree that shelters us from the sun; it is like a wellspring of water that wells up into eternal life; it is as if God lives inside us.

Hmm. Maybe He does.

Now that is powerful.