For more information on parenting, see Phoenix Parent Consulting.com or Post Institute.com. My commentary below is a combination of what I have learned from the author of Phoenix Parent Consulting.com, along with my own story. See another blog entry of mine for more on my story about men and emotions called Jump Starting Emotions.
Son: I feel.
Dad: Do you feel alive?
Son: I feel. I feel happy of myself.
This boy is at a crucial moment in his emotional development. It took him a few moments, but he was able to identify his feelings. He knew how to say he felt happy of himself. He could feel real endorphins or seratonine or whatever chemicals they are moving around in his body. His identification of being happy wasn't intellectual. It was connected to his body.
Right now, one of evil's main goals is to separate this boy from his feelings over the next several years. In fact, it has already begun. When he is disregulating and can't calm himself down, he will be taught to calm down by plugging into a TV. Or, when he is emotionally upset, he will learn how to calm himself by plugging into an iPhone or texting a million text messages in order to avoid the pain, sadness, anger, or joy that he feels. Food or shopping or reading books might be another option. As he gets older, he will learn how lust is an even quicker way to disconnect. He will learn how to disconnect from his feelings and his body in order to calm down, rather learn how to stay with his feelings, continue to name them, and learn how to calm down through communcation and physical contact.
The father in this video asks a great question: "How do you feel?" Furthermore, he needs to do something extremely important in more difficult situations. When his son is angry and voicing his anger or extremely sad and crying at home or in a public situation, he needs to pull him aside and ask him, "How do you feel?" Once his son answers the question, he needs to ask the follow up question, "Can you tell me what happened? Can you tell me your story?" After hearing his story, he needs to affirm his son's feelings. He also needs help his son learn to take action if an injustice was done against him or he needs to validate his son's anger or sadness of an injustice occurred and it is unable to be resolved. He needs to maintain a boundary if his son was angry over a "no" that had been given by the dad, but he still needs to affirm and identify with the sadness or anger that his son is experiencing over the "no" that he received.
Now, I know that in real life, parents aren't always able to do this in many situations. Sometimes, things are moving too quickly. However, so often, I've seen parents shame their children in public or at home because they don't know what to do with them. They either go silent, yell at their children to shut up or stop crying (thus invalidating the child's feelings), or they pacify the child by giving them what they want. Their children learn one thing: If I get disregulated and lose control of my emotions, then mom or dad or guardian won't help me to calm down through conversation and physical contact. They will yell at me or hide their face from me. Therefore, I will do the only thing I know how - I'll do what I've watched them do when they are angry or sad and - I'll go watch TV, play on my iPhone, send text messages, eat, read, and do anything to disconnect from these out of control emotions because I don't know how calm myself and mom or dad or guardian don't know how to help me.
Over the years, this boy, if his father continues to ask him how he feels and comfort him and listen to him during times of high emotion, he will learn to stay connected to his emotions and his body and he will have a better understanding of how to calm himself when he's either angry, sad, or elated. If his father stops communicating to him about his feelings and listening to his stories behind those feelings, then this boy will calm himself by disconnecting and he will enter the world as an adult male who is incapable of being a man who can connect relationally with his wife, much less connect to other men. Not only will he be disconnected from anger and sadness, but he will be disconnected from joy as well. His wife will ask him how he feels and he will say he feels "good" or "bad". The sad reality is he will speak these words from a heart that is dead to emotion. He won't be able to say "I feel happy for myself!" He won't be able to say "I feel sad" or "I feel exposed" or "I feel nervous". He will be disconnected from those endorphins or seratonine or whatever chemicals that used to run through his body during childhood and he and his wife won't know how to connect with one another. What this son will continue to look for from his parental figures is protection - those who will validate his feelings and help him to continue to name them into adulthood. Then he will be very powerful.
One final thought: Adult men who have lost connection with their emotions and their bodies are not lost. It can be a long and difficult process, but men can learn how to feel once again and become very powerful in their lives. For more information on this and my story, see my blog entry called Jump Starting Emotions.
__________________________________________
For more information on parenting go to Phoenix Parent Consulting.com
Son: I feel.
Dad: Do you feel alive?
Son: I feel. I feel happy of myself.
This boy is at a crucial moment in his emotional development. It took him a few moments, but he was able to identify his feelings. He knew how to say he felt happy of himself. He could feel real endorphins or seratonine or whatever chemicals they are moving around in his body. His identification of being happy wasn't intellectual. It was connected to his body.
Right now, one of evil's main goals is to separate this boy from his feelings over the next several years. In fact, it has already begun. When he is disregulating and can't calm himself down, he will be taught to calm down by plugging into a TV. Or, when he is emotionally upset, he will learn how to calm himself by plugging into an iPhone or texting a million text messages in order to avoid the pain, sadness, anger, or joy that he feels. Food or shopping or reading books might be another option. As he gets older, he will learn how lust is an even quicker way to disconnect. He will learn how to disconnect from his feelings and his body in order to calm down, rather learn how to stay with his feelings, continue to name them, and learn how to calm down through communcation and physical contact.
The father in this video asks a great question: "How do you feel?" Furthermore, he needs to do something extremely important in more difficult situations. When his son is angry and voicing his anger or extremely sad and crying at home or in a public situation, he needs to pull him aside and ask him, "How do you feel?" Once his son answers the question, he needs to ask the follow up question, "Can you tell me what happened? Can you tell me your story?" After hearing his story, he needs to affirm his son's feelings. He also needs help his son learn to take action if an injustice was done against him or he needs to validate his son's anger or sadness of an injustice occurred and it is unable to be resolved. He needs to maintain a boundary if his son was angry over a "no" that had been given by the dad, but he still needs to affirm and identify with the sadness or anger that his son is experiencing over the "no" that he received.
Now, I know that in real life, parents aren't always able to do this in many situations. Sometimes, things are moving too quickly. However, so often, I've seen parents shame their children in public or at home because they don't know what to do with them. They either go silent, yell at their children to shut up or stop crying (thus invalidating the child's feelings), or they pacify the child by giving them what they want. Their children learn one thing: If I get disregulated and lose control of my emotions, then mom or dad or guardian won't help me to calm down through conversation and physical contact. They will yell at me or hide their face from me. Therefore, I will do the only thing I know how - I'll do what I've watched them do when they are angry or sad and - I'll go watch TV, play on my iPhone, send text messages, eat, read, and do anything to disconnect from these out of control emotions because I don't know how calm myself and mom or dad or guardian don't know how to help me.
Over the years, this boy, if his father continues to ask him how he feels and comfort him and listen to him during times of high emotion, he will learn to stay connected to his emotions and his body and he will have a better understanding of how to calm himself when he's either angry, sad, or elated. If his father stops communicating to him about his feelings and listening to his stories behind those feelings, then this boy will calm himself by disconnecting and he will enter the world as an adult male who is incapable of being a man who can connect relationally with his wife, much less connect to other men. Not only will he be disconnected from anger and sadness, but he will be disconnected from joy as well. His wife will ask him how he feels and he will say he feels "good" or "bad". The sad reality is he will speak these words from a heart that is dead to emotion. He won't be able to say "I feel happy for myself!" He won't be able to say "I feel sad" or "I feel exposed" or "I feel nervous". He will be disconnected from those endorphins or seratonine or whatever chemicals that used to run through his body during childhood and he and his wife won't know how to connect with one another. What this son will continue to look for from his parental figures is protection - those who will validate his feelings and help him to continue to name them into adulthood. Then he will be very powerful.
One final thought: Adult men who have lost connection with their emotions and their bodies are not lost. It can be a long and difficult process, but men can learn how to feel once again and become very powerful in their lives. For more information on this and my story, see my blog entry called Jump Starting Emotions.
__________________________________________
For more information on parenting go to Phoenix Parent Consulting.com
For more information on doing Time-In's instead of Time-Out's, see the following funny video on You-Tube. The man in the video does have credentials and his website is: Post Institute.com. He's trying to show the difference between disregulation and disobedience, and how we can often get them mixed up.
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