Feelings are scary because we have no control over them. They come and go like wind on the beach. Too wild. Too unpredictable. Unable to be controlled. Ultimately, some of us develop the following axiom: Uncontrollable = Something to be ashamed of.
I might as well be ashamed of how sand feels against my skin or how a hot flame feels when I touch it. I can't control how sand or a hot flame feels just like I can't control how I feel when someone relates to me in a way that makes me feel happy, sad, hurt, angry, enthralled, or jealous. Feelings are simply how we experience those things or people we relate to. There is nothing right, wrong, shameful, or unshameful about our feelings. They simply happen.
Let me give you an example of something that happened to me today. A very small situation, but a good example: At church, I was sitting behind our teaching pastor. He's a high profile guy, not just at my church but even around the country. A friend goes right up to him as he's sitting in the front row and gives him a hug. A long guy-hug. Pats on the back. Words exchanged. Smiles. Etc.--right in front of the whole stinking congregation. I started to have this weird sensation. I knew it was a feeling. What was it? Good old jealousy. My first instinct was to try to suppress the feeling, because of course we "shouldn't feel jealous over such things." Very often when I experience jealousy in a situation like this one, my thoughts following the feeling goes like this: "Well that guy's got a lot of ego problems. I see he likes to hug high-profile guys in public so people will think he's important too. I'd never do anything like that of course." Do you see how that thought is a cover-up? That's me trying to cover up my shame over feeling jealous in the first place. Because, again, I'm not supposed to "feel that way".
This time, instead of suppressing such a "crude" and "shameful" feeling, I decided to own it. I decided to let it just be there and accept it for what it was. No need to run away from it. In my mind, I talked with God for a few moments and said, "God, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of that man and I feel kind of stupid or immature for having this feeling, but it's there and I'm not going to try to run away from it any longer."
Guess what happened next. God came down from heaven and squashed me like a bug. Okay. Just kidding. What do you think really happened in the heavens? I think God was pleased. I think he probably grabbed a few angels, replayed the whole thing in 4D for them, and said, "Isn't this awesome? He's starting to realize his feelings aren't something to be ashamed of anymore!" The angels probably thought it was great too and were smiling.
For those of you who don't struggle with shame surrounding your feelings, this blog entry probably doesn't make any sense to you. Many people however, have grown up learning to feel ashamed of their feelings, or at least certain feelings. Many aren't even in touch with their feelings because they've kept them hidden for years.
Don't get me wrong. There were three other times today I can specifically recollect that I was ashamed of my feelings. Now I just understand that I don't need to be ashamed of my feelings. That's a start.
Do you struggle with shame surrounding your feelings? If so, I recommend finding a safe group or couple of people you can connect with. Start sharing your feelings with them so they can affirm you in that process.
4 comments:
Amen brother. I have feelings I'm ashamed of at times as well. I think it is a good thing to acknowledge them rather than stuffing them under. I tend to do this (stuffing them) when I think they are somewhat 'un-christian' or when I feel they are 'below' me.
Two Thoughts:
Indeed, I believe God is happy when I own these feelings. But I'm not so sure we should just leave it at that. These feelings ARE a reflection of who we are (or think we are). When we own that we have sinned or are jealous etc. and bring it to God, we can know that God has made provision for our sin, or that with God, we have no reason for jealousy, etc. (Knowing Him is FAR better than knowing a famous preacher.)
Safe vs. Un-safe folks. I'm not sure its so wise to keep putting people into a box. I'm human, imperfect, therefor unsafe. You're human, imperfect, therefore unsafe. What process do you use to judge someone as 'safe'? Since we have a God who has deemed us worthy of saving, we are 'safe' to share with anyone. How do we determine which person or group is safe? How did you? And what do we do with the Un-safe?
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for sharing. I think you and I both agree in God's provision for our sin. I think we both also agree that owning our feelings, going to God with them, and not stuffing them, is very important. That's a good place to be.
As far as your questions on safe people, there are two books I recommend called "Boundaries" and also "Safe People" by Cloud and Townsend. They speak well to these issues.
Blessings,
Steven
Thanks, I'll check out these books. Are they pop psych, or based on biblical principals? If biblical... what? I see Christ saying, 'come unto me, I'm safe"; and 'I send you as sheep among the wolves', not 'go and hang with the 'safe'". :) Fellow travelers should be becoming safer, but I find my safety in Christ. Just don't want to waste my money. :)
Dear Anonymous,
These books are very well respected in the Christian community and based upon Biblical principles.
Blessings,
Steven
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