Gratitude - Messed Up

There is a subtle difference between two lines of thinking. It is so subtle that many Christians have gotten caught up in this difference, albeit with very good intentions.

Check out these two different statements:

1. I want to glorify God out of a response of gratitude for what He has done for me.

2. I want to glorify God because that is who He has turned me into - one who wants to do this.

Do you see the difference?

The first statement, albeit very good intentions, is still very self-centered. It turns into, "Why am I not glorifying God? Why don't I have enough gratitude? I must not love Him enough." It still relies on a works based perception of the gospel.

The second statement has nothing to do with performance. It doesn't even talk about performance. It simply talks about where the desire comes from. It comes from God. The desire could be smaller than an electron, but it comes from God.

The first belief leads to a lifetime of frustration. Ironically, the second belief will ultimately lead to a life filled with gratitude for what He has done for us, the very thing belief #1 was trying to get at all along.

The Mustard Seed of Faith - God Living in Us

I think a lot of us want God to give us this divine trance-like state where we obey Him without thinking about it. The whole thing seems so difficult. Why won't He just make us do what He wants us to?

I don't have any answers to those questions.

However, there is something that I do know. There is something deep down inside of us that wants to do good and shun evil. As believers, it goes deeper than our dysfunctional flesh. It goes deeper than our messed up past. It is God. He lives inside of us now. Deep down inside, He's there. He's strong. He's powerful. He's got a heart. He's given it to us. He's raised us from the dead.

Oh, I know the bigger part of ourself feels like all we want to do is escape and run away from our lives and our problems. But, we have to believe the truth, which is that we all know that there is "something", I'm not even sure what to call it, but there is something deep down inside us that doesn't want to do all the sinful things we're used to doing. We don't want to go off on our spouse. We don't want to tell another half-truth. We don't want to take that next drink or joint. We all know there is something deep down that wants to get into healthy relationships and cast off those sorts of things. We may not have the power to do it, but we know the desire is deep down there, even if only a glimpse or a moment in time.

What we have to believe is that it is God in there. He's the one who has changed us into new creatures. The desire we have to do good and shun evil is real. It is ours. It is ours because God has given it to us. Every temptation that comes, we must remember that our deeper desire is to to cast it off because we have goodness to give to the world. It can feel so small sometimes, but we have to remember that even if it seems like such a small desire in the wake of the seemingly larger, dysfunctional patterns of the past that it is still real and it is who God has turned us into. God's heart inside us will win in the long run.

2 Corinthians 5:21

The Bounce in Our Step - An Indicator

The reason I don’t want to sin in the areas of unhealthy-escape is because when I do so, I lose the ability to be lighthearted and playful. I also lose the ability to mourn my own losses or the losses of others. I simply become numb to the world through escape.

God’s desire isn’t for us to stop lusting*, drugging, shopping-for-escape, eating-for-escape, working-for-escape, internet-for-escape, or game-for-escape, out of some sort of positive consequence in-and-of-themselves. Sure, there could be something to be said about trusting God even when we don't know what the reason, but let me contend that His primary concern is that these things strip away the bounce in our step. Our lightheartedness. Our playfulness. They also take away our abilities to grieve for us or those around us. They take away the beauty and strength we have for those around us. They take away our ability to enjoy Him or mourn with Him. We simply become numb to ourselves and those around us.

Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

The primary way to rejoice and mourn isn’t to try to stop the sin of unhealthy escapes. The primary way to stop this type of sin is to enter into healthy relationships with safe people who understand the destructiveness of such behavior and are helping each other to leave such behavior without judgement towards one another.

They tell you that you do have strength and beauty to offer the world and that you are a joy to be around. Enter a community like this, and the bounce will come back to your step. The tenderness and compassion of your youth will enter your heart once again. You’ll see the destructiveness of sin in a whole new light. It will no longer be so much about feeling shameful, as it will be about a desire to bring your heart to the world. It is bringing your heart to the world that God is after.
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*Some of these Judeo-Christian sins aren’t understandable by those who share a different world-view. However, consider this - lust and other sins which are considered unharmful are actually those things which produce resentment in our hearts. I’m not sure why this happens, but it does. This resentment is so cyclical, that it is often unidentifiable by those who are wrapped up in it. Again, the sin isn’t so much about stopping “Behavior X” as it is about how “Behavior X” affects your relationships. It is destructive inasmuch as it takes away your ability to give to those around you.

The Lighthearted and The Playful

The lighthearted and the playful bring joy to the world through the sacrifice of their own hiddenness.

Our Hearts

In the end, it doesn't matter how well we have performed or what we have accomplished--a life without heart is not worth living. For out of this wellspring of our soul flow all true caring and all meaningful work, all real worship and all sacrifice. - Eldridge, The Sacred Romance

My Church Community

I'm part of a pretty amazing church these days. My friend Bob summed up our spiritual community in this way and I thought the comment really it right on:

"[My wife] and I were just talking - we decided that the best thing about [our church] are the people. I wanted to call them good, but really, they are just very good at loving each other." -Bob

Unbridled Emotions

Never restrict your emotions or try to suppress them. Let them run free and unbridled. Act upon those emotions and among those emotions in healthy ways.

In a Funk

I've written a couple of blogs recently. If you read them, you might be misled to believe that I'm 'close' with God or 'tight' with God right now. You might think I feel at peace or content with my life. The answer is 'no'. I'm not. I've been in a funk for a couple of months now. Feel very disconnected.

I still write.

There was a time a couple years ago when I started writing this blog that I decided I would write no matter how I felt or feel. Why? God's view on me never changes. I write out of His authority, not out of how I feel. Connected or disconnected.

I remember watching a video-taped recording of Rich Mullins singing one of his last concerts before his death in 1997. He looked like crap. Looked disconnected. Definitely didn't look happy or at peace. Looked like he was simply singing without any heart or soul. Maybe he was in conflict. Maybe he felt like no one loved him. Maybe someone close to him hadn't given him the time he wanted. I don't know. But, he sang anyway. He worked out of his God-given authority.

In this life, we will go through periods of depression, disconnection, sin, and pain. We don't stop parenting, working, relating to our spouses, or creating works of art because we feel like we're in a funk. That goes against the gospel. We contribute ourselves to those around us based on God's approval, not our own. This is the gospel.

We Don't Know What to Do With God

The other day, I saw my friend Nick tell a little two-year-old girl that she looked cute. She looked pretty. The little girl blushed, smiled, and turned her head trying to hide. This is all she knew how to do. She was so happy for the affirmation and yet embarrassed at the same time. She didn't know what to do with a man telling her she was pretty.

We do the same with God. I remember a conversation I had with a friend of mine. I'd just met her at the time. I could tell she was struggling with believing that the God of the universe cared about her. I said, "Jesus fought and died for you. Do you really believe you could ever do anything horrible enough to make him think poorly of you? I mean, He fought and died for you. How could you ever mess things up enough when He's already done that for you? How could you ever screw things up enough or make such a wrong decision that it would revoke the heart He already has for you?"

My friend didn't blush, smile, or turn her head trying to hide, like our little two-year-old that my friend Nick blessed with words of beauty, but my friend was doing so in her mind. I could see the wheels spinning. She'd never really been confronted with the bestowal of beauty upon her by God that she could never retract.

Here's the truth. None of us know what to do with this kind of love. God bestows beauty upon us. He bestows strength upon us. We don't know what to do. We feel so happy. We feel so embarrassed. Francis Chan says, "The God of the universe loves us with a radical, unconditional, self-sacrificing love. And, what is our typical response? We go to church, sing songs, and try not to cuss. Whether or not you've verbalized it or not... we all know something's wrong."*

If we are to become like little children, as Jesus says, then maybe we need to clue-in-onto this little girl's reaction. In her innocence, our little two-year-old friend simply turns, blushes, and tries to hide. She doesn't know what to do with such love.

Why do we keep trying to act like we do?

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*Francis Chan is author of the book "Crazy Love"

Graduation

Some of my students just graduated from our intensive ESL program yesterday. This was a particularly neat group of students. They really liked each other and were hard workers. They did this whole thing together. It was very cool to see them walk across the stage and claim their graduation certificates.

You've Been Remade

You are more than the choices that you've made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create. You've been remade. -Lyrics from the new album by Tenth Ave North

I Feel this Need for You

I long to feel You. I feel this need for You. I need to hear You. Is that so wrong? -Lyrics, Tenth Ave North

What's Been Done For You

‘Cause this is not about what you've done, but what's been done for you. -Lyrics, Tenth Ave North

Within Me

Within me You placed Your spirit. Within me You placed a new heart. I will worship You, Lord, because of who You are. -Lyrics, The Late Jason Mitchener

Writing for My Students

Sometimes I dream of writing a major book like "The Shack" or "Wild at Heart" or even a novel. But, the other day I realized that this is ridiculous compared to what I have right now, which is my students. I wrote a three part story for them about a couple of international-student-superheroes in an action-comedy-romance with target vocabulary words from our lessons. After reading the final part to them, they applauded.

They're pretty cool.

What my students don't know is why it's so amazing when they applaud my work. The reason it is so amazing is because in my mind I'm applauding at the same time. It is a moment of worship for me. We're all applauding the One who gave me the hands, the mind, the creativity, and the teachers* that were needed to write such fun stuff. I've applauded God along with others during church worship, but the applause I experienced that day was so much more meaningful. Much less abstract. We applauded God for what He has made me into.
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*My teachers: First, my dad is my original writing teacher. He writes. I grew up listening to him about techniques for writing. Second, I studied a book my dad recommended to me called "A Story is a Promise" by Bill Johnson. My understanding of the difference between story and plot comes from that book. Third, my readings of adolescent novels such as The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordian have helped me to 'see' what Bill Johnson is talking about in "A Story is a Promise". Finally, God is my ultimate writing instructor. Look at Genesis. If a story is a promise, then the fall is the ultimate promise being made by a writer. At the moment Adam and Eve eat the fruit and run away from God, our first thought is, "What is God going to do about this? How is this problem going to be resolved?" God has made us an implicit promise that he will bring a resolution to the conflict in the story. I'll write about the story telling element of the Bible in another blog entry.

Freedom and Belief

We're not free because we believe it. We're already free. We get to experience that freedom when we believe it. -Original Phoenix Suns Gorilla

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Repentance isn't asserting that I'm going to do something about my sin, it's admitting I can't do anything about my sin. This is a biblical definition of repentance.

There is another nuance that I've missed for years. Repentance isn't just admitting that I can't do anything about my sin, it's about admitting that I can't do anything about anyone else's sin either (Lynch, Thrall, McNichol)

Whoa. That's not cool. That's not fair. That's not right. But, guess what, it is so freeing.

See, I've spent most of my life rehearsing mental arguments during moments lacking work, in which I convince others why they're wrong, how they've hurt me, and how they need to be fixed. I've also spent most of my life trying to manipulate others into doing what I wanted them to do for me or hiding from them, so that their sin won't hurt me any more. Do you see the lack of repentance here? What's happening is I'm trying to do something about someone else's sin. The Bible, however, is clear: There's nothing I can do about anyone's sin.

Now, don't get me wrong. I fight for justice. I set up healthy boundaries and tell people what I won't let them do to me, within what ability I have. However, there is an underlying premise I must accept. Even when I set up healthy boundaries or fight for justice, John or Mary will still sin against me, and I must admit and accept that there is nothing I can do about their sin.

In my mind this does two things: First, it is a recognition that only God can handle their sin, primarily through His heart for them and behind-the-scenes stuff He's doing, which we are oblivious to most often. Only He can redeem their sin, I can't redeem it for Him. Second, I can stop working. I'm not responsible for their sin. This takes the pressure off. God is very interested in giving us this gift. The gift of peace.

Repentance isn't just about our sin, it is about admitting we can't do anything about the next person's sin either.

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These are my re-hashed thoughts of what I've primarily learned from Lynch, Thrall, and McNicoll, intertwined with my own reality. I try never write about stuff I haven't experienced. I try never to contemplate or conjecture what *might* be true. These thoughts are based primarily on what I've experienced.

Cheering us on. Singing over us.

So often, we think God could care less about us. I don't believe that. My personal opinion is that he loves us and fights for us without reservation. Here is an ancient writing I read last night. "God is near you. He is a victorious warrior. He takes joy in you. He quiets you with His love. He takes joy in you with singing." - The Prophet Zephaniah in the Old Testament (Zep 3:17 SDT). This is what I believe.

My friend and I talked a little bit last night about how it's like God is our parent at a little league baseball game. Cheering. A little out of control. Other parents might even be a little embarrassed at how God would act in cheering us on. God isn't embarrassed. He let's it loose. We're running out there and he's so proud of us. He's singing songs about us.

A Proud Heart and a Humble Heart

A proud or boastful heart is concerned about being exposed for being right* or being wrong, being moral or immoral, doing something correctly or incorrectly, succeeding or failing. The key idea here is fearing exposure. They fear being exposed for anything, no matter what it may be.

A humble heart, on the other hand, claims rightness or wrongness, morality or immorality, correctness or incorrectness, success or failure; whatever the case may be. The humble heart sometimes might hide for a while. This is true. It might take a while - maybe a few minutes, a few hours, a few days or weeks; but, the humble heart is bound to come around. It is the new person that has been awakened.

A humble heart also knows that it can't survive on its own. The humble person needs a safety net. A God who isn't ashamed of him or her. A group of trusted others who aren't either. The humble person bravely risks exposure surrounded by such a safety net.

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*A proud heart even downplays when they are moral, right or successful. Still hiding. This is all a proud heart knows to do. Put on the mask. Must protect ourselves from any accusation. Ironically, the proud heart is concerned about being called prideful or boastful. They say things like, "Oh, it was nothing" to the gratitude of another**, instead of simply saying, "You're welcome. It was my pleasure." This second answer is the heart of a humble person. They claim their service. It is who God made them to be. They risk the accusations.

**I know this person very well, because this used to be me.

Emotional Intimacy

When I feel lonely, long for emotional connection with another, or often just feel like I'm missing something, I realize that what I truly long for is a deep and emotional intimacy with God. In this life, even the best marriages, closest war-buddies, or closest spiritual partners lack an emotional intimacy that is constant. In heaven, that emotional intimacy with God will never be severed. Whether married or unmarried, spiritual partner or not, we all have to wait for that deep, never-ending, intimate connection. Once we get there, it starts and goes on forever. In the meantime, we get little glimpses, maybe big glimpses. Marriage, war buddies, and spiritual partners comprise some of those glimpses. But, heaven is the real-deal. It isn't that far off. We get to go pretty soon. That's very cool.

The Absence of Faith and Faith

I remember about two or three years ago that there was a period of about a month where I said, "God, I don't think I believe in you any more." For various reasons during that time, I wondered whether or not my whole belief system was what I really believed or not. Did I really believe in Christ? Did I really believe I was a Christian if it was all true in the first place?

Funny thing is, I talked to God a lot during this process. I kept telling Him, "God, I'm going to have to just live like I'm not a Christian any longer. Go back to believing that when I die, I'll just be put into the ground and slowly decompose. Go back to my naturalistic or agnostic roots. I just don't know who I am or what I believe any longer."

My prayer life during this time actually increased. I'm not sure what happened, but at a certain point, something kicked in. I realized that the love and certainty of God was so much stronger than I had ever come to imagine previously. I wrote a blog called "The Certainty of God".

Here it is:

10 May 2008

The reason we can be totally honest with God is because He doesn't change. He always loves and always welcomes us. The big problem isn’t His uncertainty. It’s our mistaken belief that He isn't certain or that we can't depend on Him. There is something that feels like a paradox here. The best way to begin learning about His certainty is to admit to Him that we don't feel He is certain, safe, or maybe even good! The recovering alcoholics got it right when they proposed to other alcoholics that they turn their will and their lives over the care of God as they understood Him. It isn't that God is relative or uncertain--the problem is that our view of Him is relative or uncertain. God’s so loving, so caring, so certain, and so safe, that we can go to Him and start off by telling Him we don't believe any of it in the first place. The certainty of God is that He’ll start with you, wherever you’re starting at.

Anger and Faith

Sometimes, my deepest moments of faith have come while yelling at God. Getting angry with Him. I don't know how to describe this. It isn't resentment. It isn't bitterness. It isn't pointing the finger at Him. It borderlines sadness. Like I'm missing something. Like I'm missing Him. Somehow, in these emotional moments, I feel like I trust Him more than I ever have before.

Sanctification by Faith

In sanctification by faith, a new question begins to develop as we face the rebellion of our hearts. The question is, "Am I going to let someone love me? Am I going to let them meet a need that I cannot meet on my own?" Further, the person who asks this question goes deeper and says, "I need you to help me with this rebellion, but even more, my heart desires you in the middle of the process, not just you meeting my need." It is a very vulnerable and intimate experience.

This question regards both God and those trusted others we allow into the deepest parts of our lives. Choosing safe people we can trust becomes paramount, second only to our trust in God.

The Temptation to Remask

The mask always wants to go back on. If everyone could just know I have it all together. Then, everything would be okay.

My View on Protection

I believe God is always protecting us. I don't always believe this is true, but as I write this statement, I do believe it is true and I hope it remains my belief forever.

I can think of so many events, seasons, and decades of my life where it seemed like God was letting me down, but in the end, He was protecting me and others from greater harms that I had no idea were around the corner. Even more, he had greater forms of happiness that He was bringing me and others into that were also just around the corner.

Believing in God's protection changes everything.