My wife and I meet with a counselor. We do so extensively. If you've been reading these previous blog entries of mine, you might be tempted to wonder how we are doing so well. The reality is that apart from outside help, we wouldn't be doing very well right now at all.
My wife and I are both broken people with broken pasts, and we still have our current sinful nature. We bear a mixture of dignity and depravity and that depravity is something we aren't able to deal with on our own.
We need help from the outside.
I've been meeting with an excellent counselor for the past year and a half and my wife has been meeting with her for the past year or so. We also attend a marriage class that is taught and facilitated by people who have worked through lots of issues in their marriages, many of whom have gone from very difficult marriages to marriages that are anywhere from improving to thriving. A good marriage class or small group counseling is also helpful.
A lot of you might be thinking, I don't need help from the outside. I don't need a counselor. My wife and I are doing fine. My husband and I are doing fine. The reality is that there aren't very many marriages that are doing well at all. This is a sad reality in a world ridden with sin and shame. Most marriage partners are living together but hiding from one another in various ways.
To find a good counselor, you need to look for someone who not only has good training, but also someone who has worked through their own stuff. A counselor isn't someone who has always had their stuff together, rather most good counselors have worked through the harm done to them and the pain they have caused themselves and others. Before submitting yourself to a counselor, ask them about their master's program. Did it require them to submit to their own therapy through the program or at least outside of the program during their duration of the program? Also, can the therapist share a little bit about how they have worked through their harm, pain, and dysfunctional patterns? They don't need to give you exclusive details, rather a general, overall picture. If they give you a deer-in-the-headlights look, then you probably aren't sitting in front of the right person.
All marriages, including relatively good ones, need someone from the outside who can help shed light on the relational dynamics within the marriage. An unhealthy marriage desperately needs help. A healthy, unhidden marriage needs fine tuning along the way in order to help from getting stagnate. A healthy couple knows they need this help. They get help from time to time even when they are doing well as a way to trouble shoot stuff before it gets out of control. Sort of like getting your oil changed to prevent blowing out an engine gasket. An unhealthy couple, on the other hand, often doesn't believe they really need very much help at all. This is unfortunate.
The thing is, when you invite your spouse to see a counselor, they will either get scared and resist, or they will get filled with gratitude. Either way, you are taking a risk, demonstrating a tremendous amount of courage. Your spouse will know whether or not you want a counselor to "get your spouse fixed" or the opposite, which is that you truly want some help from the outside, including yourself, to strengthen the relationship - that your heart is for them and not against them.
If your spouse isn't willing, the real question you'll have to grapple with is whether or not you'll do it on your own. My prayer for you is that it would be the two of you, but sometimes it has to start with one or the other who has found the courage to do so - to get help from the outside - to find someone who can help you with the parts of you that you can't see on your own.
Do you and/or your spouse have help from the outside?
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Joy and Graditude in the Ordinary
I used to have grand ideas about how to save the world. I had the following beliefs:
My wife and I find ourselves in some of the most extraordinary moments as we sit down to eat a meal. A sense of gratitude and joy often comes over us as we simply thank one another for cooking dinner or washing the dishes following dinner. A sense of gratitude and joy comes over us as we realize the other person has listened to our vulnerability in sharing some of the fears or failures we experienced during the day. "Thank you" becomes more than just a polite expression. It becomes a deep sense of connection to the other person.
As another example, we also experience a sense of gratitude and joy as we share each others accomplishments and successes during the day, along with words of affirmation, a way to endorse the other person's value, worth, and recognition. "Thank you for affirming me." It is powerful.
As a final example, we experience a sense of gratitude and joy when we share with each other how we have been blamed, harmed, or hurt, be it a large infraction or a seemingly smaller one. When our spouse says, "I'm so sorry that happened to you. That wasn't fair and that person shouldn't have done that to you." When we say these sorts of things to each other, without trying to fix the other, we validate their feelings and woundedness.
I used to think that I could experience the joy of doing something extraordinary if I saved the world. Now, I realize that I experience the most gratitude and joy in the simple moments that my wife and I have as we often meet for moments of quiet connectedness to listen, share, validate, and support one another. It is possible that one day, God might use me to save the world; however, I can't experience the type of gratitude and joy found in such a venture without it sprouting from the deeper sense of gratitude and joy that I experience with my wife at the dinner table for quiet moments of reflection.
This is where God takes us at our core relationship and allows us to move with that core relationship out into the realm of the many. Saving the world really means husbands, wives, fathers, and mothers who experience deep senses of gratitude and joy in the seemingly ordinary moments of the day and then carry their heart into the world and then those around them are infected by their ordinary joys which infuse into their own spousal and parental relationships. The extraordinary is truly about others being infected by our seemingly ordinary gratitudes and joys.
"Joy comes to us in moments - ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary." - Brene Brown
- if I could become a politician who saved the U.S. then that would be extraordinary.
- if I could write a book that would change people, then that would be extraordinary.
- if I could start an orphanage, adopt some crack babies, or start an inner-city ministry, then that would be extraordinary.
My wife and I find ourselves in some of the most extraordinary moments as we sit down to eat a meal. A sense of gratitude and joy often comes over us as we simply thank one another for cooking dinner or washing the dishes following dinner. A sense of gratitude and joy comes over us as we realize the other person has listened to our vulnerability in sharing some of the fears or failures we experienced during the day. "Thank you" becomes more than just a polite expression. It becomes a deep sense of connection to the other person.
As another example, we also experience a sense of gratitude and joy as we share each others accomplishments and successes during the day, along with words of affirmation, a way to endorse the other person's value, worth, and recognition. "Thank you for affirming me." It is powerful.
As a final example, we experience a sense of gratitude and joy when we share with each other how we have been blamed, harmed, or hurt, be it a large infraction or a seemingly smaller one. When our spouse says, "I'm so sorry that happened to you. That wasn't fair and that person shouldn't have done that to you." When we say these sorts of things to each other, without trying to fix the other, we validate their feelings and woundedness.
I used to think that I could experience the joy of doing something extraordinary if I saved the world. Now, I realize that I experience the most gratitude and joy in the simple moments that my wife and I have as we often meet for moments of quiet connectedness to listen, share, validate, and support one another. It is possible that one day, God might use me to save the world; however, I can't experience the type of gratitude and joy found in such a venture without it sprouting from the deeper sense of gratitude and joy that I experience with my wife at the dinner table for quiet moments of reflection.
This is where God takes us at our core relationship and allows us to move with that core relationship out into the realm of the many. Saving the world really means husbands, wives, fathers, and mothers who experience deep senses of gratitude and joy in the seemingly ordinary moments of the day and then carry their heart into the world and then those around them are infected by their ordinary joys which infuse into their own spousal and parental relationships. The extraordinary is truly about others being infected by our seemingly ordinary gratitudes and joys.
"Joy comes to us in moments - ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary." - Brene Brown
Friday, September 21, 2012
A Happy Husband is a Happy Life
Now that I’m getting into the whole marriage arena, I’m
starting to hear all sorts of expression, commentary, and proverbs about
marriage. A couple months ago, I heard
someone say, “I do believe in the expression that a ‘happy wife is a happy
life’.”
Well, I have all sorts of thoughts on that one. It’s true and it isn’t true. Keeping your wife happy isn’t the goal, but
doing good to her is the goal. In the
long run, doing good to your wife, loving her, results in a happy life – in the
midst of all sorts of other stuff like pain, sadness, joy, hope, disappointment
and fear.
I digress.
As I thought about writing another blog entry on marriage, a
recollection of some friends of mine came to mind and I thought, “Hmm, I know a
couple who has done the opposite.”
So, that’s where I came up with the title: “A Happy Husband
is a Happy Life”.
Four or five years ago, my friend and his wife chose to do
something that I believe has been very healthy for their marriage. He had previously worked for a power company
making a lot of money – at least a lot of money in my book. At minimum, they didn’t have to worry about
finances extensively. Unfortunately,
the job kept him contained in a cubicle, a man who loves to work with his hands
clicked away at his computer every day – bored with his occupational life.
After returning from a year overseas working for an NGO, the
husband tried out his hand at remodeling, something he’d done before on the
side, but never as a primary source of income.
The projects started rolling in and so they decided he would do so as
along as it was working out. Initially
the work kept coming in. But,
remodeling and carpentry is an up and down business and the money isn’t as
secure as working for a power company.
Times have been hard financially, but they – and more specifically the
wife – have stayed with this up and down employment for the past several
years.
It is to the wife that I pay my respect. Financial security is a very important thing
in our lives. I have a high degree of
respect for husbands who work jobs they don’t like in order to support their
families. However, in this situation,
she believed that her husband was happier doing remodel work and so she chose
to live a more difficult life financially for the sake of her husband’s
emotional health, her emotional health, and the health of their children.
In addition, the situation works very well for her too,
since he works out of his garage and out on job projects. When he’s working at home, she gets to see
him, the kids get to see him, they have lunch together, and watch him work
through the window. Thus, it isn’t just
that the husband is emotionally healthy due to this choice they’ve made. They all benefit.
In this life, we will have money and we won’t have
money. I’m not going to try to write
out some sort of blanket rule for how we should make our decisions on these
sorts of things. I respect those who
choose financial security and also respect those who choose to struggle through job preference
as a choice. I respect them both for
different reasons. It is a choice. Nevertheless, I share this story with you,
simply because I think it is a cool story and one worth sharing.
____________________________
*Note: Before posting this blog entry, I sent it to my friend to whom I'm referring to check it for accuracy and make sure he approved my post. He said "I approve this message" and he also said he appreciated my take on the situation. He states that things are on the up right now with his remodeling business, but he also states that "yes" it is an up and down business but that he believes God is good and trustworthy even in the midst of the down times when they come.
____________________________
*Note: Before posting this blog entry, I sent it to my friend to whom I'm referring to check it for accuracy and make sure he approved my post. He said "I approve this message" and he also said he appreciated my take on the situation. He states that things are on the up right now with his remodeling business, but he also states that "yes" it is an up and down business but that he believes God is good and trustworthy even in the midst of the down times when they come.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Don't Hide
While speaking with a friend of mine at church the other day, he gave me one good piece of advice about being a husband.
"Don't hide."
"Don't hide."
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Getting Old, Getting Real
In the Velveteen Rabbit, two stuffed animals talk about what it means to be loved and to become Real:
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You becojme. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
_____________________________________
Women, decorate and take care of yourselves over your lifetime because your beauty is not dependent upon what culture has told you to believe. Decorate and take care of yourselves because you are already beautiful. Men, tell your women often that they are beautiful because you know the truth, which is that they are already beautiful. Don't roll your eyes due to the fact that they need to hear this from you often and why won't they just believe the truth? What you need to understand is that it is our role and our power to tell them the truth in this area so that they can believe the truth over time. Women, this is where you offer your vulnerability. Men, this is where you nurture their vulnerability. When they fail to believe you, it isn't because there is something wrong with you, it is because they need your help to believe the truth about themselves. They really need us and this is where we get to use our strength over and over again.
Men, take care of yourselves physically and emotionally, not so that you can prove your power, but to demonstrate the power you already have. Your body will break down but your strength will not. You will have to find new ways to exert the strength you have. Your power will come from your words. Men, you have the ability to tell others their identity - your wives, your children, and other men in your life. As you grow older, your new power becomes your words. In fact, this is the way you become like God - you instill the words of identity into others. Your wives and daughters learn their beauty. Your sons and other men learn their strength.
Women, believe your men when they tell you who you really are. Don't demand them to declare words of identity to you. Instead, invite them to do so and tell them the type of beautiful power they have to do amazing things to your heart. It is a huge risk to stop demanding and start naming your desires with only an invitation. Refuse to criticize him for not doing it the way you want him too. Instead, explain to him how he can be most powerful and how his words can affect you most. He will know if you are inviting or demanding. It will take amazing patience. But, in the end, your man might find the strength he thought he was losing. Your invitation, instead of your demand, is the way in which you invite his strength. This is one of the best ways you can love him.
Synopsis:
Women, believe in your beauty. Men, declare their beauty.
Men, exert your strength. Women, invite their strength.
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You becojme. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
_____________________________________
Women, decorate and take care of yourselves over your lifetime because your beauty is not dependent upon what culture has told you to believe. Decorate and take care of yourselves because you are already beautiful. Men, tell your women often that they are beautiful because you know the truth, which is that they are already beautiful. Don't roll your eyes due to the fact that they need to hear this from you often and why won't they just believe the truth? What you need to understand is that it is our role and our power to tell them the truth in this area so that they can believe the truth over time. Women, this is where you offer your vulnerability. Men, this is where you nurture their vulnerability. When they fail to believe you, it isn't because there is something wrong with you, it is because they need your help to believe the truth about themselves. They really need us and this is where we get to use our strength over and over again.
Men, take care of yourselves physically and emotionally, not so that you can prove your power, but to demonstrate the power you already have. Your body will break down but your strength will not. You will have to find new ways to exert the strength you have. Your power will come from your words. Men, you have the ability to tell others their identity - your wives, your children, and other men in your life. As you grow older, your new power becomes your words. In fact, this is the way you become like God - you instill the words of identity into others. Your wives and daughters learn their beauty. Your sons and other men learn their strength.
Women, believe your men when they tell you who you really are. Don't demand them to declare words of identity to you. Instead, invite them to do so and tell them the type of beautiful power they have to do amazing things to your heart. It is a huge risk to stop demanding and start naming your desires with only an invitation. Refuse to criticize him for not doing it the way you want him too. Instead, explain to him how he can be most powerful and how his words can affect you most. He will know if you are inviting or demanding. It will take amazing patience. But, in the end, your man might find the strength he thought he was losing. Your invitation, instead of your demand, is the way in which you invite his strength. This is one of the best ways you can love him.
Synopsis:
Women, believe in your beauty. Men, declare their beauty.
Men, exert your strength. Women, invite their strength.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Gottman on Building Trust
What I've found through research is that trust is built in very small moments, which I call "sliding door" moments, after the movie Sliding Doors. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.
Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship. One night, I really wanted to finish a mystery novel. I thought I knew who the killer was, but I was anxious to find out. At one point in the night, I put the novel on my bedside and walked into the bathroom.
As I passed the mirror, I saw my wife's face in the reflection, and she looked sad, brushing her hair. There was a sliding door moment.
I had a choice. I could sneak out of the bathroom and think, I don't want to deal with her sadness tonight; I want to read my novel. But instead, because I'm a sensitive researcher of relationships, I decided to go into the bathroom. I took the brush from her hair and asked, "What's the matter, baby?" And she told me why she was sad.
Now, at that moment, I was building trust; I was there for her. I was connecting with her rather than choosing to think only about what I wanted. These are the moments, we've discovered, that build trust.
One such moment is not that important, but if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship - very gradually, very slowly.
Taken from an article by researcher John Gottman @ www.greatergood.berkeley.edu who wrote The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples, as quoted by Brene Brown in Daring Greatly.
Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship. One night, I really wanted to finish a mystery novel. I thought I knew who the killer was, but I was anxious to find out. At one point in the night, I put the novel on my bedside and walked into the bathroom.
As I passed the mirror, I saw my wife's face in the reflection, and she looked sad, brushing her hair. There was a sliding door moment.
I had a choice. I could sneak out of the bathroom and think, I don't want to deal with her sadness tonight; I want to read my novel. But instead, because I'm a sensitive researcher of relationships, I decided to go into the bathroom. I took the brush from her hair and asked, "What's the matter, baby?" And she told me why she was sad.
Now, at that moment, I was building trust; I was there for her. I was connecting with her rather than choosing to think only about what I wanted. These are the moments, we've discovered, that build trust.
One such moment is not that important, but if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship - very gradually, very slowly.
Taken from an article by researcher John Gottman @ www.greatergood.berkeley.edu who wrote The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples, as quoted by Brene Brown in Daring Greatly.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Struggle
My wife asked me to write a blog about some of the struggles we have faced both prior to marriage and within marriage. I can understand why she's requested this one. A lot of my blog entries could make it seem like we are the perfect couple and why can't I live up to that or why can't my spouse be more like him or her.
The truth is - we all struggle.
My wife and I have our own stories coming into marriage and our own story that we are now developing within marriage. I'm a man and she's a woman. Frankly, we fall into a lot of patterns that are similar to others. When my shame gets triggered, I go silent. When her shame gets triggered, she wants to control. Neither of us wants to do harm to one another, but we do. When I go silent, I'm harming her, despite my desire to do just the opposite. When she gets controlling, she harms me, even though she doesn't want to do so.
Here some examples:
Today, we were talking about finances on our drive. We recently sold our car and have some money. Sounds great right? But, what about how to spend it? That can cause problems. In fact, it has done so already. We've gone back and forth on a number of ways to spend it. I've gone silent and I've tried to control. She's gone silent and tried to control. We've both reacted a number of times and it has taken a lot of emotional risk to keep going back to the discussion to meet each other.
So often in situations like this, I'm tempted to say, "Whatever, just do whatever you want to do with it." This would of course be the worst thing I could do because I'd essentially be saying, "I'm bowing out. I'm not going to stay engaged with you in this process." From her point of view, this would be me telling her that I don't love her. Nevertheless, even though I've stayed in the arena with her, I have still harmed her with my silence and control and she has harmed me with her silence and control. The beauty is that if we choose to stay engaged, then things like our finances can become a place where we form some of our deepest bonds of intimacy, having gone through the process together. The reality is - we've been doing this for three months now and we've only survived about 25% of our budgeting sessions without conflict and hurt.
It is a struggle.
How about other day to day stuff? Let's talk about how to do things around the house. My wife is someone who values efficiency. I'm someone who never does anything efficiently. My wife is someone who thinks about all the ways that something can be accomplished. I'm someone who thinks about what problems may arise. My wife is open to relationships. I'm more selective and often fearful. My wife drives aggressively. I drive tentatively. Can you see the conflict inherent in this relationship?
I love my wife, but I really have to believe the truth, which is that she isn't my enemy when everything wants to tell me that she is. So often we can believe that the other person is out to make us men feel like we aren't good enough or make us women feel like we're too much. The reality is that we have to declare those beliefs as utterly false so that we can find what is deep down in our hearts, and often hard to find - that they aren't the enemy and that we want to do good to them.
I know that many of you might be thinking - but what if I don't know whether or not I want to do good or do harm to my spouse or not? This sort of ambivalence causes a lot of shame and guilt, especially for those of us who have been engaged in years of cycles of harm.
The reality is that we are all mixtures of goodness and harm. There is a dark side of us that wants to harm - truly. There is a good side of us that wants to do good - truly. The thing we have to remember is that our true self - the one that God has created - wants to do good. No matter how loud the voice of the dark side might be (sounds like Darth Vader here) we have to ask God to help us find that something deep down inside us, which is our desire is to do good to our spouse. When we engage with our spouse and try to believe that they aren't against us, then much can be accomplished in terms of intimacy and emotional health.
Commentary Question: What changes have you made in your marriage to help work through struggles?
The truth is - we all struggle.
My wife and I have our own stories coming into marriage and our own story that we are now developing within marriage. I'm a man and she's a woman. Frankly, we fall into a lot of patterns that are similar to others. When my shame gets triggered, I go silent. When her shame gets triggered, she wants to control. Neither of us wants to do harm to one another, but we do. When I go silent, I'm harming her, despite my desire to do just the opposite. When she gets controlling, she harms me, even though she doesn't want to do so.
Here some examples:
Today, we were talking about finances on our drive. We recently sold our car and have some money. Sounds great right? But, what about how to spend it? That can cause problems. In fact, it has done so already. We've gone back and forth on a number of ways to spend it. I've gone silent and I've tried to control. She's gone silent and tried to control. We've both reacted a number of times and it has taken a lot of emotional risk to keep going back to the discussion to meet each other.
So often in situations like this, I'm tempted to say, "Whatever, just do whatever you want to do with it." This would of course be the worst thing I could do because I'd essentially be saying, "I'm bowing out. I'm not going to stay engaged with you in this process." From her point of view, this would be me telling her that I don't love her. Nevertheless, even though I've stayed in the arena with her, I have still harmed her with my silence and control and she has harmed me with her silence and control. The beauty is that if we choose to stay engaged, then things like our finances can become a place where we form some of our deepest bonds of intimacy, having gone through the process together. The reality is - we've been doing this for three months now and we've only survived about 25% of our budgeting sessions without conflict and hurt.
It is a struggle.
How about other day to day stuff? Let's talk about how to do things around the house. My wife is someone who values efficiency. I'm someone who never does anything efficiently. My wife is someone who thinks about all the ways that something can be accomplished. I'm someone who thinks about what problems may arise. My wife is open to relationships. I'm more selective and often fearful. My wife drives aggressively. I drive tentatively. Can you see the conflict inherent in this relationship?
I love my wife, but I really have to believe the truth, which is that she isn't my enemy when everything wants to tell me that she is. So often we can believe that the other person is out to make us men feel like we aren't good enough or make us women feel like we're too much. The reality is that we have to declare those beliefs as utterly false so that we can find what is deep down in our hearts, and often hard to find - that they aren't the enemy and that we want to do good to them.
I know that many of you might be thinking - but what if I don't know whether or not I want to do good or do harm to my spouse or not? This sort of ambivalence causes a lot of shame and guilt, especially for those of us who have been engaged in years of cycles of harm.
The reality is that we are all mixtures of goodness and harm. There is a dark side of us that wants to harm - truly. There is a good side of us that wants to do good - truly. The thing we have to remember is that our true self - the one that God has created - wants to do good. No matter how loud the voice of the dark side might be (sounds like Darth Vader here) we have to ask God to help us find that something deep down inside us, which is our desire is to do good to our spouse. When we engage with our spouse and try to believe that they aren't against us, then much can be accomplished in terms of intimacy and emotional health.
Commentary Question: What changes have you made in your marriage to help work through struggles?
Saturday, September 15, 2012
One Car
In college, I went to an event in our dorm on creative
dating. The man who presented had
written a book about he and his wife and their creative dating practices. I can’t remember his name or the book he
wrote, but I do remember one thing. He
said, “My wife and I drive one car. On
purpose. Our driving times together are
times that we get to talk without interruption. A lot of good, quality time happens during those drives.”
Now, I’m not saying that you need to drop down to one car,
if you have two. And, you might even
need two cars, depending on your situation.
However, even if you have two cars, my question is – how often do you
drive each other to work? Or, if that isn't a possibility, how often do
you drive together to different functions, errands, and different events when it would be
easier to use two cars?
Comment Question: What are some things that you and your spouse do to increase the amount of uninterrupted quality time?
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Do Good Once a Day
In my last blog entry, I talked about how if you practice saying "I love you" to your wife once a day, then it will probably turn into more than once a day.
Similarly, for either husband or wife, if you try to do one good thing a day to him or her, then you will probably begin to do two, three, or four good things to him or her a day over time. Once-a-day turns into more-than-once-a-day. It has the opportunity to snowball.
When we do good to our spouse, simply for the sake of doing good to them, it becomes very powerful and life giving. This is hardest for struggling marriages, and that is why I say - give it a try just once a day. That way it doesn't have to be so overwhelming. Just try doing good once a day and see where it takes you.
Oh, and if you want to take a huge risk, ask your partner, "What is something good I could do to you today?" What you think and what they think might be very different. Especially across the sexes.
Similarly, for either husband or wife, if you try to do one good thing a day to him or her, then you will probably begin to do two, three, or four good things to him or her a day over time. Once-a-day turns into more-than-once-a-day. It has the opportunity to snowball.
When we do good to our spouse, simply for the sake of doing good to them, it becomes very powerful and life giving. This is hardest for struggling marriages, and that is why I say - give it a try just once a day. That way it doesn't have to be so overwhelming. Just try doing good once a day and see where it takes you.
Oh, and if you want to take a huge risk, ask your partner, "What is something good I could do to you today?" What you think and what they think might be very different. Especially across the sexes.
Monday, September 10, 2012
I Love You
Men, I heard this guy say one time that he makes sure to tell his wife that he loves her at least once a day. I decided to follow suit and I've done it ever since. Truth be told, once I started this practice, it turned into more than once a day. I think that in many things with our spouses, an intentional once-a-day can turn into more-than-once-a-day, almost without meaning to.
Oh, and by the way, it doesn't get old for them to hear you say "I love you", especially when your desire is to do good to them out of an honest heart. There are all of the in-between moments or regular occurances throughout the day, but then there are also those crucial times when they are down about something and they need to hear your words say "I love you", not to try to fix them in that moment but simply to know that you love them in the middle of it.
Oh, and by the way, it doesn't get old for them to hear you say "I love you", especially when your desire is to do good to them out of an honest heart. There are all of the in-between moments or regular occurances throughout the day, but then there are also those crucial times when they are down about something and they need to hear your words say "I love you", not to try to fix them in that moment but simply to know that you love them in the middle of it.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Double Dating
In recent entries, I've stressed the need to find and grab hold of
our own individual interests and the need to endorse the interests of
our partner. This is part of the individuation we need in our marriage
relationships - the need to be our own person. On the flip side, there
are a few mutual things we need to cultivate and nuture as well.
One of those activities is double-dating. I'm sure that now or in the past that you've run into that newly married couple who used to hang out with ya'll, but now they're married and you never see them for the light of day.
That kind of couple has got to get themselves out into the world.
You and your spouse have got to get outside yourselves. Dinner-out and a movie can only go so far. You gotta get out there. You need to double-date. See, most singles think they have it made once they get married because they have that companion that doesn't have to go home at the end of the evening. And yes, this is very true in-and-of-itself. The reality is, however, we all know that our spouse, dinner, TV, and a movie won't cut it over time. Boring. Boring. Boring.
Our spouses might not be boring in-and-of-themselves, but give it enough time without any outside contact to the world and even the most interesting Las Vegas showtime entertainer won't catch your eye for much longer. In addition, reclusing into your own two-selves for long periods of time just isn't psychologically healthy. We were designed for relationship. Our partner was designed to be our primary human source for relationship, but not our only one.
So, it's time to get out there. Feels strange to say this, but it's sort of like dating all over again. A number of married couples already have a network of built in double-dating relationships and somehow they knew the need to get out there and be with other couples. On the other hand, a number of us (me included) would sink into the recesses of our homes if we didn't intentionally force ourselves to get out there and meet the rest of the world. For those of you in this boat, those of you who eat the same meal every day, watch the same news program every night, and take the same route to work every day - you're going to have the greatest difficulty. How in the world are we supposed to find others to double-date? Who do we do this with? How do we get out there?
In our Cable TV, Wireless Internet, Wii, PlayStation, Netflix, and Hulu based culture, double-dating can present a bit of a problem if you aren't already a part of a community. This is in contrast to the experience most of us had in high school and for those of us who went to college. We hung out with our friends in-between classes during high school and drove off campus during lunch time with upper classmen friends. We went to high school football games, participated in clubs and organizations, and then hung out on weekends at parties or just at friends' houses. During college, we lived in the dorms, met people, and did life with lots of others. We ate lunch and dinner, studied together, played paintball, went rock climbing, middle-of-the-night Walmart runs, fraternity and sorority events, religious club activities, and dorm social activities. The whole lifestyle was conducive to activities outside the dorm room. Dating and double dating and hanging out were almost effortless, at least for a number of people. When we leave college, get married, and especially have children, the getting-out-there process becomes more difficult. If we never socialized much growing up, then the task becomes even more daunting.
Neverthless, you and your spouse have a desperate need to get out there with others. It really is a life or death situation - at least psychologically and spiritually speaking.
There are two ways I can think of to start meeting other couples and start going out on those double-dates, and I'm sure there are plenty of other ways. First, I think Meetup.com and other social websites are a great place to start. Sit down with your spouse at the computer, iPad, or iPhone and start searching. What would you guys like to try out? Maybe Meetup.com Horseback riding. How about Meetup hiking or painting. One time I looked up writer's groups and found like five or ten of them right in my own area. There are all sorts of things on the site. In fact, there probably is some sort of married-couple-double-dating Meetup for all I know. Truth be told, I haven't even looked. But, there's a ton of stuff out there.
Another way to meet others is to hook up with your church if you happen to be religious. Religious centers are designed specifically to bring people together. Meet some of those other married couples. Attend a marriage class. Go to the church volleyball picnic or the church-wide family pool party. Say "hi" to someone. Once you feel comfortable, see if your spouse feels comfortable asking out such-and-such a couple to a baseball game, coffee, or to play more volleyball. Maybe you invite a couple of couples to a barbecue at your home or in the park. Make sure your partner feels comfortable too, or it'll backfire. You might have to wait a little bit or look for another couple they feel comfortable asking out. Remember, you're doing this dating thing as a couple now.
One concern that I hope you have right now as I make these suggestions is this - how do I know these new people are safe? Well, remember that one thing you don't have to do is ask them out right away. You can hang out in those Meetup's or church activities for a long time before you ask anyone on a double-date.
The other great resource I strongly recommend is a book called Safe People by Cloud and Townsend. A complimentary book to go along with it is Boundaries by the same authors. The idea is to get yourself out there as a couple, gather up the courage to ask others out, and take some emotional risks, while keeping in mind some of the principles found the books Safe People and Boundaries.
On a final note, you might be wondering how often you should be getting out there for a double-date? How often should we be try hanging out with a new couple? The reality is that we are all different and we all have our own sets of fears, much less the fact that our lives are so busy and fast paced anyway. My wife and I generally seem to be doing a double-date about one to three times a month - and I'm even lumping lunches, visits to their house, and coffee into the mix, much less more creative type dates. This is made much easier by the fact that we are already part of a church community and that we're already intentional about getting ourselves out there. If you and your partner haven't tried doing this before and it feels scary, why not just try to do a double-date once-a-month? That goal is achievable, and if you guys start liking the whole thing, then it will probably turn into more than once-a-month.
So, if you seem stuck or if you keep meeting with the same couple once every two months but can't seem to break into any new couples for a double-date, then you're gonna have to take a risk and do the whole Meetup.com thing or the church activity thing or something like that.
Several years ago, I read a book by Henry Cloud called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. The book was for singles, but I think it applies to married couples as well. In the book, Cloud recommends that those in their thirties, who haven't successfully found a marriage partner, try to date at least five people at a time. I'm not talking five serious relationships - I'm talking about going out on dates for the sole purpose of going out on dates - nothing else. I tried it out and by the time I got to person three or four, I actually ran into my now current wife. The point was to stop thinking and start dating - just get out there.
Similar to dating singles, double-dating is the same. You gotta get out there and go on some initial dates with these other couples. It doesn't mean you're going to be best friends with them for the rest of your lives. In fact, maybe you decide you don't like the couple after the first double-date and you never go out with them again. There's nothing wrong with that. On the other hand, maybe you'll find a couple or two couples or three couples or more that you can do things with on a regular basis.
As spouses, it is crucial to get outside ourselves for the psychological health of our marriages and our children. Our spouse and our children were never designed to bear the weight of our full set of needs. The larger community has been provided to complement our families and meet our needs and desires as our additional resources. As married couples, one need we have is relationship with other married couples. Double-dating is a great way to improve the health of your marriage.
One of those activities is double-dating. I'm sure that now or in the past that you've run into that newly married couple who used to hang out with ya'll, but now they're married and you never see them for the light of day.
That kind of couple has got to get themselves out into the world.
You and your spouse have got to get outside yourselves. Dinner-out and a movie can only go so far. You gotta get out there. You need to double-date. See, most singles think they have it made once they get married because they have that companion that doesn't have to go home at the end of the evening. And yes, this is very true in-and-of-itself. The reality is, however, we all know that our spouse, dinner, TV, and a movie won't cut it over time. Boring. Boring. Boring.
Our spouses might not be boring in-and-of-themselves, but give it enough time without any outside contact to the world and even the most interesting Las Vegas showtime entertainer won't catch your eye for much longer. In addition, reclusing into your own two-selves for long periods of time just isn't psychologically healthy. We were designed for relationship. Our partner was designed to be our primary human source for relationship, but not our only one.
So, it's time to get out there. Feels strange to say this, but it's sort of like dating all over again. A number of married couples already have a network of built in double-dating relationships and somehow they knew the need to get out there and be with other couples. On the other hand, a number of us (me included) would sink into the recesses of our homes if we didn't intentionally force ourselves to get out there and meet the rest of the world. For those of you in this boat, those of you who eat the same meal every day, watch the same news program every night, and take the same route to work every day - you're going to have the greatest difficulty. How in the world are we supposed to find others to double-date? Who do we do this with? How do we get out there?
In our Cable TV, Wireless Internet, Wii, PlayStation, Netflix, and Hulu based culture, double-dating can present a bit of a problem if you aren't already a part of a community. This is in contrast to the experience most of us had in high school and for those of us who went to college. We hung out with our friends in-between classes during high school and drove off campus during lunch time with upper classmen friends. We went to high school football games, participated in clubs and organizations, and then hung out on weekends at parties or just at friends' houses. During college, we lived in the dorms, met people, and did life with lots of others. We ate lunch and dinner, studied together, played paintball, went rock climbing, middle-of-the-night Walmart runs, fraternity and sorority events, religious club activities, and dorm social activities. The whole lifestyle was conducive to activities outside the dorm room. Dating and double dating and hanging out were almost effortless, at least for a number of people. When we leave college, get married, and especially have children, the getting-out-there process becomes more difficult. If we never socialized much growing up, then the task becomes even more daunting.
Neverthless, you and your spouse have a desperate need to get out there with others. It really is a life or death situation - at least psychologically and spiritually speaking.
There are two ways I can think of to start meeting other couples and start going out on those double-dates, and I'm sure there are plenty of other ways. First, I think Meetup.com and other social websites are a great place to start. Sit down with your spouse at the computer, iPad, or iPhone and start searching. What would you guys like to try out? Maybe Meetup.com Horseback riding. How about Meetup hiking or painting. One time I looked up writer's groups and found like five or ten of them right in my own area. There are all sorts of things on the site. In fact, there probably is some sort of married-couple-double-dating Meetup for all I know. Truth be told, I haven't even looked. But, there's a ton of stuff out there.
Another way to meet others is to hook up with your church if you happen to be religious. Religious centers are designed specifically to bring people together. Meet some of those other married couples. Attend a marriage class. Go to the church volleyball picnic or the church-wide family pool party. Say "hi" to someone. Once you feel comfortable, see if your spouse feels comfortable asking out such-and-such a couple to a baseball game, coffee, or to play more volleyball. Maybe you invite a couple of couples to a barbecue at your home or in the park. Make sure your partner feels comfortable too, or it'll backfire. You might have to wait a little bit or look for another couple they feel comfortable asking out. Remember, you're doing this dating thing as a couple now.
One concern that I hope you have right now as I make these suggestions is this - how do I know these new people are safe? Well, remember that one thing you don't have to do is ask them out right away. You can hang out in those Meetup's or church activities for a long time before you ask anyone on a double-date.
The other great resource I strongly recommend is a book called Safe People by Cloud and Townsend. A complimentary book to go along with it is Boundaries by the same authors. The idea is to get yourself out there as a couple, gather up the courage to ask others out, and take some emotional risks, while keeping in mind some of the principles found the books Safe People and Boundaries.
On a final note, you might be wondering how often you should be getting out there for a double-date? How often should we be try hanging out with a new couple? The reality is that we are all different and we all have our own sets of fears, much less the fact that our lives are so busy and fast paced anyway. My wife and I generally seem to be doing a double-date about one to three times a month - and I'm even lumping lunches, visits to their house, and coffee into the mix, much less more creative type dates. This is made much easier by the fact that we are already part of a church community and that we're already intentional about getting ourselves out there. If you and your partner haven't tried doing this before and it feels scary, why not just try to do a double-date once-a-month? That goal is achievable, and if you guys start liking the whole thing, then it will probably turn into more than once-a-month.
So, if you seem stuck or if you keep meeting with the same couple once every two months but can't seem to break into any new couples for a double-date, then you're gonna have to take a risk and do the whole Meetup.com thing or the church activity thing or something like that.
Several years ago, I read a book by Henry Cloud called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. The book was for singles, but I think it applies to married couples as well. In the book, Cloud recommends that those in their thirties, who haven't successfully found a marriage partner, try to date at least five people at a time. I'm not talking five serious relationships - I'm talking about going out on dates for the sole purpose of going out on dates - nothing else. I tried it out and by the time I got to person three or four, I actually ran into my now current wife. The point was to stop thinking and start dating - just get out there.
Similar to dating singles, double-dating is the same. You gotta get out there and go on some initial dates with these other couples. It doesn't mean you're going to be best friends with them for the rest of your lives. In fact, maybe you decide you don't like the couple after the first double-date and you never go out with them again. There's nothing wrong with that. On the other hand, maybe you'll find a couple or two couples or three couples or more that you can do things with on a regular basis.
As spouses, it is crucial to get outside ourselves for the psychological health of our marriages and our children. Our spouse and our children were never designed to bear the weight of our full set of needs. The larger community has been provided to complement our families and meet our needs and desires as our additional resources. As married couples, one need we have is relationship with other married couples. Double-dating is a great way to improve the health of your marriage.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Refuse Anything Less Than Equality
Refuse anything less than equality with your spouse.
So many of us go into relationships because we want to rescue or be rescued, teach or be taught, fix or be fixed. All of these sorts of relationships are ones of inequality.
I decided early on to believe the truth, which was that my wife (then girlfriend) was my equal. I decided to listen to her and refused to think about how I was going to respond until after she had finished. I decided to speak to her before I knew whether or not I was right or wrong. I decided to take her seriously. I decided to take myself seriously.
In equality, we decide to let the other person be in their own process in life and with God and with others. We stop trying to change them. We share our desires, but we refuse to make demands. We have healthy boundaries and respect theirs as well. We allow their involvement and decide to let them in but refuse to succumb to their every whim.
In equality, we refuse to rescue or be rescued, teach or be taught, fix or be fixed. We see each other for who we really are - a mixture of good and bad - and we decide that both of us have much to offer and much to learn from. We meet them in each and every conversation on the same level and refuse to downplay either their desires or our own desires.
We meet them as our equal.
So many of us go into relationships because we want to rescue or be rescued, teach or be taught, fix or be fixed. All of these sorts of relationships are ones of inequality.
I decided early on to believe the truth, which was that my wife (then girlfriend) was my equal. I decided to listen to her and refused to think about how I was going to respond until after she had finished. I decided to speak to her before I knew whether or not I was right or wrong. I decided to take her seriously. I decided to take myself seriously.
In equality, we decide to let the other person be in their own process in life and with God and with others. We stop trying to change them. We share our desires, but we refuse to make demands. We have healthy boundaries and respect theirs as well. We allow their involvement and decide to let them in but refuse to succumb to their every whim.
In equality, we refuse to rescue or be rescued, teach or be taught, fix or be fixed. We see each other for who we really are - a mixture of good and bad - and we decide that both of us have much to offer and much to learn from. We meet them in each and every conversation on the same level and refuse to downplay either their desires or our own desires.
We meet them as our equal.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Learn Everything You Can From Them
Learn everything you can from your spouse.
There. I said it.
This is a source of conflict for many couples. The reason is that once we get to know our spouses, we begin to see all of their flaws and that makes it difficult to learn from them. However, opening up ourselves to learn from our partner is actually a very difficult, but very rewarding way we can extend grace to them.
If I open myself up to learning from my partner, then I am telling them, "I know all of the flaws, all of the sin, and all of the dysfunction between you and me. Nevertheless, I'm going to try to find all the things I can to learn from you because you have value and you have things I can learn."
When a husband opens himself up to learning from his wife, then she feels that he's inviting her involvement and she feels loved. When a wife opens herself up to learning from her husband, then he feels respected, endorsed, and maybe even admired.
Oh, and one more thing. When you learn something from them - tell them about it. In the moment you tell them what you've learned from them, it is like the power of God has run through you and spoken to them. It is truly amazing. It is grace running through us into them and it becomes addictive - a joy.
There. I said it.
This is a source of conflict for many couples. The reason is that once we get to know our spouses, we begin to see all of their flaws and that makes it difficult to learn from them. However, opening up ourselves to learn from our partner is actually a very difficult, but very rewarding way we can extend grace to them.
If I open myself up to learning from my partner, then I am telling them, "I know all of the flaws, all of the sin, and all of the dysfunction between you and me. Nevertheless, I'm going to try to find all the things I can to learn from you because you have value and you have things I can learn."
When a husband opens himself up to learning from his wife, then she feels that he's inviting her involvement and she feels loved. When a wife opens herself up to learning from her husband, then he feels respected, endorsed, and maybe even admired.
Oh, and one more thing. When you learn something from them - tell them about it. In the moment you tell them what you've learned from them, it is like the power of God has run through you and spoken to them. It is truly amazing. It is grace running through us into them and it becomes addictive - a joy.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Take an Interest in Their Interests
A couple years ago I had coffee with someone who said this, "I read some author a long time ago who says to take an interest in your spouse's interests. So, that is what I try to do. For example, sometimes I take her to to the bookstore and we have to find books that we've never read before. Then we share with each other about the books, why we chose them, and why they interest us. It helps us to keep remembering that we need to learn about our spouse's interests."
Well, let me tell you something - I recorded that idea in the old data banks and saved it for a later date. When my wife and I first started dating, I took her to a bookstore and that's what I did. I called it a "bookstore activity". I told her we had 30 minutes to find 3 books that we'd never read before and then we'd meet to share about why we chose them after the 30 minutes. During our time of sharing, I found out that one of her interests was gardening. Several months later, I bought her some antique style gardening tools for Christmas. I was able to apply what I had learned about her.
Taking an interest in the other person's interests doesn't mean we try to force ourselves to like what they like, but it does mean that we try to find different ways to endorse their interests. I'm not planning on gardening this fall as much as my wife plans to do, but I do plan to help her out as I can and to ask her about her plans and what she wants to do with her gardening.
Try to discover your spouse's interests. Try a bookstore activity or simply ask them about their interests. Ask them what activities or dreams they've given up on over the years. Why have they given them up? Why have they stopped painting, writing poetry, cycling, or training dogs competitively? Encourage your spouse to try out new things that might generate new interests.
Cautions
If you and your spouse have lots of individual interests and few shared interests, then maybe it's time to do the opposite and figure out some ways to find shared interests. But, that's a topic for another blog entry.
Well, let me tell you something - I recorded that idea in the old data banks and saved it for a later date. When my wife and I first started dating, I took her to a bookstore and that's what I did. I called it a "bookstore activity". I told her we had 30 minutes to find 3 books that we'd never read before and then we'd meet to share about why we chose them after the 30 minutes. During our time of sharing, I found out that one of her interests was gardening. Several months later, I bought her some antique style gardening tools for Christmas. I was able to apply what I had learned about her.
Taking an interest in the other person's interests doesn't mean we try to force ourselves to like what they like, but it does mean that we try to find different ways to endorse their interests. I'm not planning on gardening this fall as much as my wife plans to do, but I do plan to help her out as I can and to ask her about her plans and what she wants to do with her gardening.
Try to discover your spouse's interests. Try a bookstore activity or simply ask them about their interests. Ask them what activities or dreams they've given up on over the years. Why have they given them up? Why have they stopped painting, writing poetry, cycling, or training dogs competitively? Encourage your spouse to try out new things that might generate new interests.
Cautions
- Don't try to get your spouse to like what you like.
- Don't secretly hope your spouse will begin to like what you like.
- Don't feel guilty for not liking what your spouse likes.
- Simply take an interest in their interests. It is much more rewarding and satisfying.
- Shared interests will come over time.
- Let them have their own set of individual interests.
If you and your spouse have lots of individual interests and few shared interests, then maybe it's time to do the opposite and figure out some ways to find shared interests. But, that's a topic for another blog entry.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Make Theft a Priority
In teaching, we talk about how the best teachers, in reality, are just good at stealing. We intentionally seek out the best teachers and then steal from them.
I recently read a book called "Steal Like an Artist" by Austin Kleon that reminded me of something that I want to share with you about how I do relationship with my wife.
I steal.
Here are a few ideas. Find good spouses and steal from them. Listen to them. Take note of the things you see them doing that keeps the relationship authentic or fresh. Attend marriage classes, invite your spouse to counseling if they are willing, read books or websites on creative dating, find books on how to love, and and most of all - keep your eyes open.
Make theft a priority.
The Internet is a great place to find all sorts of stuff on creative dating and lots of practical ideas on how to show your spouse that you love them. One time I found a website called "101 ways to show your wife that you love her", or something like that. My wife and I were only dating at the time but I stole religiously from that site.
Making theft a priority is such a good idea because we all have so many weird ideas about what our spouse may or may not like, but the truth is that if we don't make stealing a habit, then we're probably only hitting a fraction of the ways in which they desire to be loved by us. So, steal openly and try things out on your spouse. Have a rule that each of you can tell each other what you like and don't like. The idea is to steal lots of stuff and then see what part of your stolen goods works for them in particular. Over time, through communicating with your spouse, you'll begin to learn more about the things that he or she loves.
I recently read a book called "Steal Like an Artist" by Austin Kleon that reminded me of something that I want to share with you about how I do relationship with my wife.
I steal.
Here are a few ideas. Find good spouses and steal from them. Listen to them. Take note of the things you see them doing that keeps the relationship authentic or fresh. Attend marriage classes, invite your spouse to counseling if they are willing, read books or websites on creative dating, find books on how to love, and and most of all - keep your eyes open.
Make theft a priority.
The Internet is a great place to find all sorts of stuff on creative dating and lots of practical ideas on how to show your spouse that you love them. One time I found a website called "101 ways to show your wife that you love her", or something like that. My wife and I were only dating at the time but I stole religiously from that site.
Making theft a priority is such a good idea because we all have so many weird ideas about what our spouse may or may not like, but the truth is that if we don't make stealing a habit, then we're probably only hitting a fraction of the ways in which they desire to be loved by us. So, steal openly and try things out on your spouse. Have a rule that each of you can tell each other what you like and don't like. The idea is to steal lots of stuff and then see what part of your stolen goods works for them in particular. Over time, through communicating with your spouse, you'll begin to learn more about the things that he or she loves.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Write Notes to Her Everyday
Try to write a note to your wife everyday but give yourself grace when you don't. She will know your desire over time to do good to her. Oh, and don't worry about running out of ideas. The more you write notes to her, the more the ideas will come.
Friday, August 31, 2012
What You Don't Want to Do
Tell your spouse what you don't want to do to him or her.
I got this idea from a man who was telling a story about how he had said a really mean thing to his wife a couple days prior. It really hurt her. At some point after the incident, he had to leave to go to work or run and errand. The silence was awkward and hurtful. It isn't that he wanted to continue to hurt her with silence, but shame had crept in and so he withdrew.
At some point during his drive, something changed in his heart and he knew what he needed - even wanted - to do. He called her up on his cell phone and said, "Wife, I don't want to do that. That's not want I want to do to you."
I'm pretty certain that he drove home later to a woman who was willing to enter and engage with him because he had provided her with the safety of a repentant heart that had a real desire to do good to her and willing to admit when he hadn't.
I have kept this story and this statement of his in my mind. I tell my wife often about the things I don't want to do to her - sometimes after the fact but sometimes even before they happen, as a way to actually prevent them from happening when I am tempted to do so. This is one way to create a sense of safety in a relationship.
Tell them what you don't want to do.
I got this idea from a man who was telling a story about how he had said a really mean thing to his wife a couple days prior. It really hurt her. At some point after the incident, he had to leave to go to work or run and errand. The silence was awkward and hurtful. It isn't that he wanted to continue to hurt her with silence, but shame had crept in and so he withdrew.
At some point during his drive, something changed in his heart and he knew what he needed - even wanted - to do. He called her up on his cell phone and said, "Wife, I don't want to do that. That's not want I want to do to you."
I'm pretty certain that he drove home later to a woman who was willing to enter and engage with him because he had provided her with the safety of a repentant heart that had a real desire to do good to her and willing to admit when he hadn't.
I have kept this story and this statement of his in my mind. I tell my wife often about the things I don't want to do to her - sometimes after the fact but sometimes even before they happen, as a way to actually prevent them from happening when I am tempted to do so. This is one way to create a sense of safety in a relationship.
Tell them what you don't want to do.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Eye Contact
Make eye-contact with your husband or wife. Period.
Eye contact is so difficult because eye-contact requires grace. It requires grace on the part of the receiver and the giver. See, eye-contact is one of the most vulnerable things we could ever embark upon with our spouse because in the eyes we feel either accepance or rejection. Shame tells us we can't look into our spouse's eyes because of what we've done, what they've accused us of doing, or what they would leave us for if they really knew what was going on inside our heads. Judgment tells us the person making eye-contact with us doesn't deserve our returned eyes, our willing hearts, or open ears.
But this is what I want to say to you.
Make eye-contact with your husband or wife. Period.
Eye-contact is a place where we get to truly extend the gospel to another human being. In eye-contact, I refuse to hold my sin or another person's sin between us. I refuse to hold their imperfections or my imperfections and inabilities between us. With our spouse, eye-contact is one feature of the relationship that promotes deeper emotional intimacy.
This is where we have to make a separation between the difficulties in the relationship and the value or worth of the other person. When I make eye-contact, when I place my hand on her cheek, arm, or shoulder, I tell her or him, "You have value. Independent of all the misunderstandings, contradictory desires, selfish actions, or feelings hurt, I will make eye-contact with you and make physical contact with you because I know you are good, that God has made you in his own image, and that you have much to offer the world. I may not feel that way right now, but I'm going to separate the two. I'm looking into your eyes because you deserve it based upon your God given value. I'm looking through all sin and shame to see the inner-core of who you are."
And it is with a heart that contains these types of sentiments that we reveal God to the other person. They begin to have a connection to Him through how we view them. What occurs in these instances are so powerful because as our spouse sees God through us, it is directly through us that this happens. It is sort of like we're a power line and the current has just run through us. This current or surge of energy we feel is a deep type of joy or gratitude and our own connection with God and the other person. Now I'm not saying its always as epic as what I've just portrayed - but sometimes it is.
There are times that I have a hard time looking into my wife's eyes. Just this morning, in fact, I felt insecure about something I had done and thought she might be angry with me. But, I went to her. I refused to hide. I went to her, made eye-contact, and I shared it with her. She, in turn, was able to enter into the issue with me, clarify, endorse, and we were able to walk into the morning together.
Eye-contact is scary at first, but in time, if you offer your eyes to your spouse, you begin to offer your very being to them, and you begin to slowly walk out of the hiddenness of your heart - the deep fears you are afraid to share with your partner.
Over time, eye-contact becomes addictive. I love to make eye-contact with my wife. You know how you can look at a baby for hours and hours at a time? How can we do that with a baby and not with an adult? It's because shame has been introduced into all of our relationships and it takes looking straight through that shame into the person's God given soul in order to make eye-contact. With a baby, there is no shame. Eye-contact can last for prolonged periods of time. But, in a grace-based marriage relationship, just like with an innocent baby, we can begin to practice looking at each other without shame, forgiving all sin, and treating the other person as Christ would treat them. Without shame. Without judgment. Even if we feel shame about ourselves or have contempt towards the other person (in the dark side of our soul) we choose to take a chance and treat them with the part of our selves that wants to treat them with purity and hope.
We make eye-contact.
Eye contact is so difficult because eye-contact requires grace. It requires grace on the part of the receiver and the giver. See, eye-contact is one of the most vulnerable things we could ever embark upon with our spouse because in the eyes we feel either accepance or rejection. Shame tells us we can't look into our spouse's eyes because of what we've done, what they've accused us of doing, or what they would leave us for if they really knew what was going on inside our heads. Judgment tells us the person making eye-contact with us doesn't deserve our returned eyes, our willing hearts, or open ears.
But this is what I want to say to you.
Make eye-contact with your husband or wife. Period.
Eye-contact is a place where we get to truly extend the gospel to another human being. In eye-contact, I refuse to hold my sin or another person's sin between us. I refuse to hold their imperfections or my imperfections and inabilities between us. With our spouse, eye-contact is one feature of the relationship that promotes deeper emotional intimacy.
This is where we have to make a separation between the difficulties in the relationship and the value or worth of the other person. When I make eye-contact, when I place my hand on her cheek, arm, or shoulder, I tell her or him, "You have value. Independent of all the misunderstandings, contradictory desires, selfish actions, or feelings hurt, I will make eye-contact with you and make physical contact with you because I know you are good, that God has made you in his own image, and that you have much to offer the world. I may not feel that way right now, but I'm going to separate the two. I'm looking into your eyes because you deserve it based upon your God given value. I'm looking through all sin and shame to see the inner-core of who you are."
And it is with a heart that contains these types of sentiments that we reveal God to the other person. They begin to have a connection to Him through how we view them. What occurs in these instances are so powerful because as our spouse sees God through us, it is directly through us that this happens. It is sort of like we're a power line and the current has just run through us. This current or surge of energy we feel is a deep type of joy or gratitude and our own connection with God and the other person. Now I'm not saying its always as epic as what I've just portrayed - but sometimes it is.
There are times that I have a hard time looking into my wife's eyes. Just this morning, in fact, I felt insecure about something I had done and thought she might be angry with me. But, I went to her. I refused to hide. I went to her, made eye-contact, and I shared it with her. She, in turn, was able to enter into the issue with me, clarify, endorse, and we were able to walk into the morning together.
Eye-contact is scary at first, but in time, if you offer your eyes to your spouse, you begin to offer your very being to them, and you begin to slowly walk out of the hiddenness of your heart - the deep fears you are afraid to share with your partner.
Over time, eye-contact becomes addictive. I love to make eye-contact with my wife. You know how you can look at a baby for hours and hours at a time? How can we do that with a baby and not with an adult? It's because shame has been introduced into all of our relationships and it takes looking straight through that shame into the person's God given soul in order to make eye-contact. With a baby, there is no shame. Eye-contact can last for prolonged periods of time. But, in a grace-based marriage relationship, just like with an innocent baby, we can begin to practice looking at each other without shame, forgiving all sin, and treating the other person as Christ would treat them. Without shame. Without judgment. Even if we feel shame about ourselves or have contempt towards the other person (in the dark side of our soul) we choose to take a chance and treat them with the part of our selves that wants to treat them with purity and hope.
We make eye-contact.
Monday, August 27, 2012
More Than Encouragement
If your husband or wife loves to play sports then find every way you can to get them out there playing their favorite sport. Writing - same thing. Serving the poor - same thing. Painting, acting, alone time for walks in the morning, cooking creatively, training dogs competitively. Whatever it is - deliberately get them out there to do what they love. Create space in your schedule, watch the kids, set aside money - do these things directly in open conversation. Don't just show a general sense of interest. Get active. Do it simply to do good to them. The stories to be told in such relationships are powerful and beautiful.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Community Based Weddings
My wife and I married each other four days ago, surrounded by family and friends, taking in every bit of it, on a peaceful, cool, late summer evening in Prescott Valley. The honeymoon has taken place in Oak Creek Canyon and Flagstaff, and we are now rounding up the last, playful, financially carefree evening before rolling back down the hill to our Phoenix home.
There is something I want to tell you about our wedding. Primarily, the wedding was born through a mixture of creativity, initiated among the dreams of my wife and God himself, culminating in a crisp, peaceful, early evening wedding. Secondly, the wedding and honeymoon were produced through a collective outpouring of family, friends, church community, and even friends of friends.
Our community delivered a cornucopia of talents, abilities, service, financial contributions, and guidance that culminated in a wedding we could not have construed on our own. The financial aspect alone expresses our fortune due to services rendered by family, friends, and even friends of friends, the value of the wedding likely ten to twenty-thousand dollars higher than our budget. Here are some of the flat-out pro bono services: The venue was free. The photography was free. The sound equipment was free. The musicians and singers were free. The food was free. The set-up was free. These are just to mention a few. In addition, people sacrificed their entire day to help set everything up, some experiencing dehydration and exhaustion. Oh, and the wind kept busting lights and luminaries until the Lord told the winds to be still just prior to the wedding.
I simultaneously experience gratitude and sorrow as I reflect upon the fact that the cost of the average wedding puts so many engaged couples into debt even prior to being married. Our silent culture of isolation, lacking clusters of networks of grace-giving communities, forces engaged couples to go-it-alone in their preparations. Yet, the love of God is expressed in this - when we risk entering community and all of the hurt and pain that may ensue, we create a situation in which it is God's desire for us to experience their hearts as they help us.
I simultaneously experience gratitude and sorrow as I reflect upon the fact that the cost of the average wedding puts so many engaged couples into debt even prior to being married. Our silent culture of isolation, lacking clusters of networks of grace-giving communities, forces engaged couples to go-it-alone in their preparations. Yet, the love of God is expressed in this - when we risk entering community and all of the hurt and pain that may ensue, we create a situation in which it is God's desire for us to experience their hearts as they help us.
The story of our wedding is a story about a divine interplay of the creator, community, and gratitude. Our story prior to marriage already contains difficulties, and our marriage will contain even more difficulties and pain, yet the value and magnificence of the story is about faith, hope, and love which trump everything. The story we write with God, the connection we feel to God in the midst of it, this kind of joy we experienced in the midst of the community that surrounded us.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Labyrinths Untangled
I desire you Lord
More than words can confess
Joy wells up in my soul
I can’t recount such a process
If I attempted to locate
Those deep rivers and powers inside
I’d be lost among the labyrinths
Those You’ve untangled and reconciled
To define such elusive mystery
Translates pride into utter travesty
On that day You dwelled in me
Forces trembled throughout eternity
You told me my name
And told us our name
You took on the enemy
And remove our shame
The Lord is a warrior
Fighting for us through the ages
The Lord is a warrior
Turning us into wise old sages
Friday, May 11, 2012
Melody Beattie on Letting Go
Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness, and love, as much as possible. ~Melody Beattie
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
The Worst Form of Murder
I believe that self-protection is the worst form of murder.
- Isolation
- Aggression
- Manipulation
- Unwillingness to be wrong
- Unwillingness to be right
- Silence
- Wearing a mask that says "everything is okay"
- Avoidance
- Abuse
- Perpetual analysis
- Being extremely "clingy"
- Being passive
- Lack of repentance
- A lack of boundaries
- Too many boundaries that amount to walls
- Giving in all the time
- Never giving in
- Comparing one to another
- Critical spirit
- A constant desire for control
- An unwillingness to hear the other person's heart
- An unwillingness to forgive
- Rarely listening (ignoring or thinking about what to say next instead of listening)
- Rarely speaking up
- Complaining all the time
- Being on guard all the time
There are so many others, but these are big ones. In each of these forms of self-protection, we raise up an invisible wall that prevents intimacy. A marriage, family, or friendship that exists under any or a number of these types of self-protection turns into an utter and unwarranted type of loneliness over time.
This type of loneliness is a kind of death. I believe it is the worst form of murder because it is so deceptive. The perpetrator hasn't physically killed another, but he or she has emotionally murdered the other. It is so subtle, but it is so devastating. Sometimes the perpetrator and/or victim aren't even aware of doing these things and sometimes they are. Often the perpetrator and the victim are interchangeable and harm one another. No matter the pattern, these forms of self-protection essentially turn perpetrators and victims into a walking dead persons.
This type of loneliness is a kind of death. I believe it is the worst form of murder because it is so deceptive. The perpetrator hasn't physically killed another, but he or she has emotionally murdered the other. It is so subtle, but it is so devastating. Sometimes the perpetrator and/or victim aren't even aware of doing these things and sometimes they are. Often the perpetrator and the victim are interchangeable and harm one another. No matter the pattern, these forms of self-protection essentially turn perpetrators and victims into a walking dead persons.
Mark Twain on Right Conduct
Laws control the lesser man. Right conduct controls the greater one. - Mark Twain
Doing Good
This quote from Twain reminds me of a change that occurred in my heart last year. When I started dating my fiancee, I asked God to help me to have a desire to do good to her. This was different from my previous ways of thinking. I mainly used to try to keep away from bad stuff and try to do good stuff in order to make sure that no one was angry with me. That's what it means to "follow the law" as Twain speaks of. But with my fiancee, something had changed. I asked God to help me to do good, simply for the sake of doing good. Not to keep her happy, but to do good to her. This is what Twain means by "right conduct". I call it "doing-good". Doing good simply to do good to your spouse or others is a change in mindset that can restore a marriage or keep a good marriage healthy.
Nice Guys and Bad Asses: The Search for Caring yet Effective Men
One point of clarification: doing good to someone doesn't mean they are always happy with you, especially in the short term. Nice guys finish last because they are ineffective, not because they are nice. Unfortunately, many women fall for bad asses, not because they truly want a bad ass, but because they are looking for men who are effective at loving them. Overly nice guys are ineffective yet caring. Bad asses are effective, yet uncompassionate. Men, what they are looking for is someone who is compassionate, yet effective. You need to stand your ground in your love. Giving in to what someone else wants isn't always the best way to love. Doing good is. Somehow, there is a balance between standing our ground by being our true selves and yet at the same time learning how to give up control and enter things we feel uncomfortable with at times. This interplay of holding boundaries at times and expanding them at times is messy and scary, but it is a road worth going down. Doing-good requires both. A man who does so is a caring, yet effective.
Results
I believe right-conduct or doing-good starts at the core with our spouse or partner, but it goes beyond that relationship into our lives with others and the community at large. We don't need the law to keep us in line. We want to do good to others simply for the sake of doing good to others. I actually have felt more close to God than ever before because I think that in doing-good for no other motivation than to do good is sort of what it is like to be God. Thus, I believe He has helped me to identify more with Him as He has awakened me to emulating Him.
Doing Good
This quote from Twain reminds me of a change that occurred in my heart last year. When I started dating my fiancee, I asked God to help me to have a desire to do good to her. This was different from my previous ways of thinking. I mainly used to try to keep away from bad stuff and try to do good stuff in order to make sure that no one was angry with me. That's what it means to "follow the law" as Twain speaks of. But with my fiancee, something had changed. I asked God to help me to do good, simply for the sake of doing good. Not to keep her happy, but to do good to her. This is what Twain means by "right conduct". I call it "doing-good". Doing good simply to do good to your spouse or others is a change in mindset that can restore a marriage or keep a good marriage healthy.
Nice Guys and Bad Asses: The Search for Caring yet Effective Men
One point of clarification: doing good to someone doesn't mean they are always happy with you, especially in the short term. Nice guys finish last because they are ineffective, not because they are nice. Unfortunately, many women fall for bad asses, not because they truly want a bad ass, but because they are looking for men who are effective at loving them. Overly nice guys are ineffective yet caring. Bad asses are effective, yet uncompassionate. Men, what they are looking for is someone who is compassionate, yet effective. You need to stand your ground in your love. Giving in to what someone else wants isn't always the best way to love. Doing good is. Somehow, there is a balance between standing our ground by being our true selves and yet at the same time learning how to give up control and enter things we feel uncomfortable with at times. This interplay of holding boundaries at times and expanding them at times is messy and scary, but it is a road worth going down. Doing-good requires both. A man who does so is a caring, yet effective.
Results
I believe right-conduct or doing-good starts at the core with our spouse or partner, but it goes beyond that relationship into our lives with others and the community at large. We don't need the law to keep us in line. We want to do good to others simply for the sake of doing good to others. I actually have felt more close to God than ever before because I think that in doing-good for no other motivation than to do good is sort of what it is like to be God. Thus, I believe He has helped me to identify more with Him as He has awakened me to emulating Him.
Richard Gere on Bravery
I don't think that bravery is about skin. Bravery is about a willingness to show emotional need. - Richard Gere
This quotation is threatening to most men, and of course to a lot of women. But, for men, to show emotional need is to allow someone to enter, which is scary because it is so vulnerable. Admitting emotional need and allowing another to help meet that need means they might be able to harm you. There is a willingness to give up control in order to risk love. It is utterly scary. This is exactly why it is called bravery.
Pema Chodron has a quote which I love. It says, "Compassion is learning to relax and moving towards what scares us." For men, allowing another person to come into contract with our emotions is terrifying. We have a hard time relaxing. To those of you who are women, my advice is to ask permission before offering to meet a man's emotional need. Slowly, they might permit you to help and they will be imperfect at it even if they try. But, permission is the key.
This quotation is threatening to most men, and of course to a lot of women. But, for men, to show emotional need is to allow someone to enter, which is scary because it is so vulnerable. Admitting emotional need and allowing another to help meet that need means they might be able to harm you. There is a willingness to give up control in order to risk love. It is utterly scary. This is exactly why it is called bravery.
Pema Chodron has a quote which I love. It says, "Compassion is learning to relax and moving towards what scares us." For men, allowing another person to come into contract with our emotions is terrifying. We have a hard time relaxing. To those of you who are women, my advice is to ask permission before offering to meet a man's emotional need. Slowly, they might permit you to help and they will be imperfect at it even if they try. But, permission is the key.
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